Platonic Life
by Sideos
Summary: Gaz has never needed anyone, never felt attracted to anyone and never wanted to. But now, she begins to question why, which causes her life to tear at the seams as she comes to terms with who she is, and what it is to be an asexual.
1. The First Question

WOO!

Again, tis me, Inavder Sid in the house with another ficage big it up yo, yo, yo. Actually this is being posted up early cos the DUDE that is tyrie2001 decided to give me 3 months worth of subscription on DA.

Thanks dude.

Anyways, I chose Gaz as my subject as I seem to neglect ol' Gaz quite a bit…

OK, this fic will be dealing with a subject I rarely touch on, but others seem to love. Sex. Sex, sexuality and sexual stuff.

HOWEVER! Once again I, me, yes me, all me, no one else, just me, put my neck out and decide to do something original.

As you guys and galls know, I just can't resist making things horribly awkward for myself and making it so that all my fics end up being highly complicated and not full on 'HOWTSLASHOMGKAWAII!" or appealing to any real sort of audience… just people wanting to read something good.

Also, it does not have any pairings, no romance, nothing like that. It's all about emotions, thoughts, confusion and dealing with something I bet only a tiny, tiny few of you could understand.

Asexuality is something that is very hard to come to terms with, far harder in my view that being homosexual or bisexual. At least in those you can love SOMEONE. At least gays get all sorts of attention for being such an 'alternative' people. And if you're not pairing up with someone, then you're obviously some anti-social loner loser, obviously.

It really does hurt me when people throw things like that at me.

This fic is, personally, quite a personal thing. A lot of the things Gaz things and says I've actually thought and said and done myself, so if anyone even begins to criticise what I talk about in this they can answer to my middle finger because IT DOES HAPPEN LIKE THIS. I know, I've been there, pity me.

Of course any normal criticism on my style, grammar spelling etc is still welcomed.

Either way, prepare for a very different kind of sex-centred fiction.

Enjoy…

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"Okay Gaz, I'll see you later," Dib's voice came over from near the doorway. However, he seemed nervous, anxious. The tone of his voice told Gaz that he wanted her to reply somewhat interested.

She didn't. "Fine, whatever," The seventeen year old didn't even bother to look up from her Gameslave Three, she only moved a hand to brush a strand of purple hair away from her eyes.

She was small for her age, unlike her taller than average eighteen year old brother. Her shoulder length purple hair naturally curled towards her face, giving the impression of a pair of jaws. Her face was made-up with typically heavy black eyeliner and black lipstick, her skin was pale enough to not bother applying any white makeup and she had her ears pierced, her left more than her right. She was wearing a long sleeved black top with a light-purple dark-purple striped t-shirt over it and a black skirt with a pair of purple and black striped tights. Around her neck was a skull pendent necklace and on her feet was a pair of heavy-metal boots. She had a thin, skinny form, much like the rest of her family and, again like her family, she had deep amber eyes.

"I'm not sure when I'll be back…" Dib added, again trying to tempt Gaz's interest. Dib was wearing his almost trademark black trench coat, his combat boots, black pants and a blue t-shirt with a pair of blue arm-warmers covering his arms. He had a thin, gangly build with his unusual black scythed hair and glasses. The boy practically screamed 'computer hacker', but was actually more of the state's unofficial paranormal expert; forgiving of course it was a serious obsessive compulsion for him to pick up or pay attention to anything that even hinted at the idea of the supernatural.

Gaz frowned and concentrated harder on her game. "I said whatever."

"Might want to tell dad who I'm with…" Dib even took a step forward this time; obviously he was not going to stop until Gaz showed _some_ interest in whatever menial and pointless outing he was going on.

She paused her game and looked up, making sure to show Dib that she was very annoyed at him. "What? You going on a date with Zim or something?"

Dib looked genuinely offended, "Ew, Gaz, no. But, erm, a date?"

For a second Gaz didn't get it then, slowly, her eyes widened. "Whoa… what? Who? When?"

Dib grinned and gushed out the details, "Gretchen! We're finally going on a date, just to watch 'Blood Ocean' at the cinema of course, but we're going on date!" He was practically jumping in the air from excitement.

Gaz however just raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

Dib stopped his manic heel bouncing, but his smile didn't drop. "Because I really _like_ her, Gaz."

Gaz's expression didn't change. "Why?"

"Because… I just do," Dib's smile dropped slightly, "Haven't you ever _liked_ someone?"

"No." Gaz's answer came immediately and brutally honest.

Dib paused. "What'da mean no? Surely you must have liked someone."

Gaz shook her head, her expression dead. "No. Never. People disgust me."

"Wow…" Dib crossed his arms over his chest. "Are you serious?"

"Do I _look_ like I'm joking?" Gaz finally began to growl, "How can you even _stand_ to be that close to _anyone_?"

"It's natural for people to like other people Gaz," Dib said with a small smile, "That's the way people are."

Gaz's eyes narrowed more then they usually did, "What's that meant to mean…"

Dib quickly took a few steps back, holding up his hands in surrender, "Nothing, nothing. I'm just saying that, you know, it's just normal to like other people is all. I'm sure you'll find someone one day."

"I don't _want_ to 'find someone' as you put it," Gaz growled again. The very thought of 'finding someone' sickened her. How could people even think of even touching each other in such ways? The very idea was making her want to recoil in disgust.

Dib turned towards the door and rested a hand on the handle. "Well… if you ask me," he turned the handle, it was obvious he wanted to escape the moment he'd finished his sentence, "I think you're repressing yourself."

And before he could even see Gaz's reaction, he fled out the door. Gaz growled and stood up, but realised unless she wanted to chase Dib down the street and not play her new game, than she'd have to stay put and let it slide.

At least until he got back.

She sat back down and un-paused her game, quickly going back to playing. The little digital sounds of people screaming and dying and points being collected filled the room and a subtle stillness entered the air. Gaz liked it when no one was home, she felt more… comfortable, calmer even. People disgusted her. They spewed out crap, left only trails of hate and seemed unable to comprehend the fact that life itself was a meaningless drivel of moments that didn't contribute one notch to the grand overall scheme of the world, which of course was probably going to end any time soon, thus making human existence itself pointless and unfulfilling.

At least to her anyway.

However, as she played her game, her eyes darting across the tiny screen, Dib's words floated back to her. _'It's natural for people to like other people, Gaz.'_

The teenager frowned. How could that be true? People are repulsive, the way they act, talk, everything. There were times Gaz wished she could just surrender being human and become something better, but not something stupid like a vampire or an animal, no, she wished she could become a machine.

Something that would be immortal, useful, built for a single undeniable purpose and only exist to fill that purpose, and once she became outdated or broken, then they could just dispose of her. After all, what's the point of keeping a broken machine around? If she could be bettered or upgraded, than why not?

Of course, her ethics teacher had argued the use of emotions. Gaz had simply replied that emotions have, time after time, led only to pain and suffering. Thousands die everyday though emotion. Emotions can be twisted and manipulated. The great weakness of the human race is its inability to keep its emotions in check.

After all, one only has to look no further than the last hundred years to see the effects of 'emotion' on the world. Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, the atomic bomb, all wonderful little products of emotion, all costing more lives than at any time in human history. Oh of course she didn't deny that emotions had created some of the worlds most beautiful products, paintings and art and literature. However, did not all these often encourage things beyond that of human emotion? Did they not try to reach for something further than what a simple emotion could comprehend? Did this not prove, paradoxically, that human emotion itself cannot even understand the reason or why it should act in such ways? Gaz again had finished, pushing forward her point that humans are stupid, unable to understand the emotions that they let rule them.

'What about love?' Her teacher had asked. Gaz remembered the sly little grin on that woman's face as she'd said this, thinking she'd catch Gaz out.

Gaz's answer had been simple. Love does not exist. Maybe at one time it might of, but it had been twisted though the use of other emotions. Like greed. Now love meant only the love of a new product, or fashion. You love chocolate and fast cars and computers with better graphics than last month's model.

True love was just a mediocre way of saying lustful obsession. People thought love was breeding out more and more copies of themselves. How did love help when you're starving and poor? Did love come into question when you found out that the person you 'loved' was cheating on you? Or when you found out that the person you 'loved' had given you AIDS? Or when the person you 'loved' hit's you night after night for no reason.

Love was nothing more than chemicals and a need to not be alone, the natural instinct to reproduce covered by the fact that the world demands people to pair up and raise more consumers.

True love conquers all; expect disease, war, famine and thousands of other problems that extend outside people's personal little spheres of safety.

Gaz smiled as she remembered the look on her classmates, and her teachers, faces. She was never asked another question after that, and Gaz was fine with it. They were leaving her alone for once, something she'd wanted them to do since she got there.

This was why she gave Dib such a hard time. She simply could not understand why he continued to fight for human lives when human lives themselves were pointless. Her views fell onto deaf ears, Dib continued to delude himself with visions of humanity growing to acceptance, to eventually learn and evolve to become higher beings.

Gaz could see that humanity would never evolve or learn or grow to accept anything other than the norm created by religion, corporations, and the mass of the ignorant.

But again, Dib's words echoed in her mind. _'It's natural for people to like other people.'_

She frowned again. Natural…

She shook it off, screw them. She didn't need to act 'natural', she had her stance and she was sticking with it. She didn't need, nor want, anybody.

'_I think your repressing yourself.'_

"Damn." The game bleeped, she'd died. Dib and his stupid words had distracted her. She sighed and turned the game off, tossing it onto the nearby coffee table and leaning back into the couch.

Her eyes fixed onto the ceiling as she mulled over the words of her older brother. _'Repressing myself …'_

Was that even possible? And if so, why would she be repressing herself? Why would she want to hate human kind? Was it something that someone had done to her, or told her early on in life?

She chuckled to herself. Her views on life were of her own making. She had took a step back, observed, weighed the opinions of all sides and eventually decided that she wanted nothing to do with the collective majority of the human race. That life itself was without meaning, that she didn't find any human alive attractive in any way, nor would she ever.

But still, the doubt in her mind lingered. It wasn't that she doubted she didn't like the human race, but if it was even possible for her to like the human race.

Could she actually find another human attractive enough to want to be with them?

----------

WOO!

Well, that's the first chapter for you. I expect many of you are saying "Yo? Sid? Wheres the extra-long chapters that you usually do? This is only 4 pages dammit!"

Well, due to extensive field research, I found that the majority of you guys don't like having loads and loads to read, and would rather have these much shorter type chapters.

Although don't fear! Other chapters will be longer (depending on how long the scenes are) and characters like Zim will appear soon.

I also understand if thou notice's lots of errors here, that's because I'm trying to become a self-editing machine. Tis hard.

Anyways, please R&R, cos you know… reviews and such!


	2. Past Experience

YO! I'm back in black ma reader-peeps, and I'm bringing another chapter of original awesome from the ghettos of the STREETS. Snoogans…

Anyways, this chapter includes some ZIM, cos you can't have an IZ fic without him. After all, the fandom's named after the dude!

Erm… yea, 12 reviews for the first chapter in only a few days… I think it might be the single most popular start to a fic I've ever had. Also, I seemed to have tapped into the seemingly waiting market of asexuals on which is great because after so many fics talking about homosexuality of bisexuality there's finally a serious fic about asexuality.

But really, I'm just glad there's people out there like me who not only appreciate what I'm writing here, but also giving feedback from how they feel and their opinions on Gaz's (and to some extent my own) experience in dealing with their sexuality. If there's something I love more then anything else about writing, is when people give me their opinions back to me.

But enough of my rambling, lets boogie!

(P.S, I own no characters in this thing)

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Gaz walked into the busy school dining hall with her eyes not focusing on anyone. Her black backpack, decorated with metal studs and chains, hung on her shoulder and her boots clicked heavily on the dirty tiled floor.

Around her the stupid and the stupider enjoyed their ignorant but blissful existence. The cheerleaders, the jocks, the film nerds and anime geeks, the punk rockers and the goths, the emo kids and the scene kids, the wanna-be gangsters and the wanna-be rap artists, the cartoonists and the writers, the so-called 'individuals' with all the other 'individuals'.

She knew that some of them had the same look on life as she did, mostly the artists and the writers, but she still didn't like any of them enough to want to hang around with them.

Instead she sat, like she'd always sat, with her brother, who was still the freak amongst freaks, with Zim across from them.

Zim, that green skinned moron still acted almost exactly like he did back when he'd first arrived, the only change being his height so that he was now only a few inches taller than Gaz. The girl let a small smile form on her lips as she wondered how he'd react to Dib going on a date with Gretchen instead of trying to stop whatever stupid plan he'd tried this week.

She sat down at 'their' table, aka, the table that no one else would sit on due to the collective student body's petty labelling system and the natural human want to be accepted by everyone else.

Gaz looked up to see Zim sitting across from her poking at his 'food' with a plastic fork. He was wearing a red and black striped shirt with baggy black pants and boots and he wore a pair of black gloves on his three clawed hands. His black wig had improved after Gir had apparently ate the last one, meaning it was now thicker and longer, more natural looking and sometimes drifting over his blue contact eyes. His form was thin, but also suggested that he was not without muscle.

He looked up. "Where's the Dib-stink?" His voice was still scratchy and nasally, it almost didn't suit his now more mature looks.

Gaz shrugged and placed her bag on the floor, reaching in to take out her Gameslave three and a turkey and lettuce sandwich.

Gaz was something of a neutral ground between Zim and Dib. She hated humanity and cared little enough for Dib for Zim to allow her to talk with him, while at the same time sometimes helping her brother whenever Zim actually got too close to destroying the earth, but only because she couldn't stand to actually see Zim win at something. She considered her role to be one of keeping a balance between the human idiot and the alien moron and stop them from ever actually winning over one another.

Zim poked at the food again before looking up. "He didn't try to stop my _amazing_ plan last night. Lucky for him the generator-"

"Shut it," Gaz ordered. She didn't want to hear Zim's pointless ramblings, "He went on a date."

"Date?" Zim questioned, "Date? Date… as in, that thing you human pig-smellies do with other human pig-smellies of the opposite sex?"

"With Gretchen, of all people," Gaz replied while munching on her sandwich.

Zim's eyes widened, "What?! Since when did he have time to do _stuff_ like that?"

Gaz raised an eyebrow at 'stuff' but shrugged, "Since he became a teenager I guess."

Zim scratched his chin. "But are you not a 'teened-ager'?"

"Yes." Gaz replied slowly, wondering what Zim was getting at.

"But you haven't gone on any 'dates' to do _stuff_ like the other sub-monkeys of your _pathetic_ race," Zim wondered out loud.

Gaz's eyes narrowed. "So?"

Zim played with the plastic fork, balancing it between his black gloved claws while a smile slowly formed on his face, "Why not?"

Gaz shrugged, "I don't like anyone."

"_Really_?" Zim chuckled wickedly, "I thought all you humans thought about past smeethood was mating and producing more of each other. Your very society seems to evolve around that goal." Gaz narrowed her eyes, Zim's statement had hit a bit harder than she'd expected it to. The alien knew it and he carried on, not caring what Gaz would do to him, it was rare that he could land such an insult on her without it being paid back immediately. "That means," He looked back to the fork, smiling, "That you are _different_ from society, a broken human…" his grin grew wider, "Or as we irken's call them, _defectives_."

Gaz slammed her hands down, letting out a dangerous growl. "What about you? All you irken's think about is killing and conquest."

Zim chuckled again. "We call it survival of the fittest. We happen to be the fittest and we're making sure that we survive."

"So you're saying that you don't exist to breed?" Gaz asked, angry but also attentive, it wasn't often she and Zim had an actually interesting convocation.

"Oh, we do breed, but we don't _obsess_ over it like _your_ race does," Zim smiled maliciously back, "The point in human life is to have sex and that's it." He shrugged and poked his food again, "Or at least that's what I can gather from my research."

"No its not," Gaz quickly answered, surprised at herself. She'd almost sounded desperate to say it, "There is no meaning to human existence."

"And yet you always try and stop me from ending it," Zim mused.

"No, I don't," Gaz countered, "Dib does. I couldn't care if we all died horribly."

"Even if _you_ died?" Zim asked quickly, his voice telling Gaz that he was actually interested in her reply.

Gaz paused then looked down. "I couldn't care if I lived or died," she paused again and bit her lip, thinking of the best way of putting it, "I'm not suicidal, I don't actively want to end my life. But I accept that I _will_ die, and I'm not going to actively try to keep myself alive just to live."

Zim narrowed one eye and jutted his bottom lip out as he mulled over Gaz' words. The he shrugged and went back to poking at his food. "Meh, whatever."

----

"Today you will learn about how to write creatively," Mr Durden, the English teacher told them from where he sat on his desk.

Usually the prospect of finally being able to do some creative writing in English class would have quickly caught Gaz's attention, after all, it wasn't every day Gaz got to flex her creative talent in English class.

However, once more her mind was drawn by current topics. Zim, an outsider to Earth society, had said himself that their civilization was obsessed with sex. Yet, again as Zim had so nicely pointed out, Gaz seemed to be separated from this cultural fixation.

She had no sex drive.

The thought worried her, but what worried her more was _why_. _Why_ the hell did the prospect of not finding the idea of sex with anyone scare her? She knew she was different from everyone else; it was inherited from being a Membrane. Her dad was different, her brother was different and she was different. All in their own separate ways of course, but different nevertheless.

Now she was different because she had no _desire_. Everyone seemed the same to her, no one seemed special or pretty or in any way superior to anyone else. Her eyes widened as she realised she'd never even felt love before, at least not romantic love, that's of course if such a thing even existed.

"Gaz!" Startled she looked up to see Mr Durden frowning at her, "Pay attention." He turned back to the rest of the class, "Today I want you all to write about how you define love."

Pieces of lined paper were passed around, one inevitably landing on Gaz's desk.

Taking out a pen she wrote the assignment title and her name at the top. Then she placed the pen on the first line, ready to write.

But she couldn't. Usually she would've automatically been able to write about how love is nothing but chemical reactions and a corporate selling point. But she couldn't write that now… because she was starting to wonder if it was actually true.

How could she prove that love doesn't exist, if she couldn't find it within herself to even try to find someone who she could test her theory on?

'Love is…' She managed before stopping; again she stared at the paper. 'None existent, an invention.' Her heart wasn't behind the words, how ironic, 'Love can be bought and sold. Love can not be understood or truly felt in a modern society. Mankind cannot define what it cannot understand.' She gulped, and wondered if she should write down what she really felt, before deciding that she had to.

"I don't know what love is, because I can't feel it?"

She jumped and turned in her seat to see Mr Durden reading out her work. One or two of the class looked up, but most didn't.

Mr Durden frowned in interest. "You don't really think that, do you?" Gaz looked back to her work, wishing he'd go away. He chuckled when she didn't answer him. "Everyone feels love Gaz, its normal. We're not machines you know."

'_I wish I was a machine,'_ Gaz thought slowly.

Mr Durden chuckled as he moved to walk on. "Only monsters and murderers don't feel love."

Gaz froze. _'What the hell…'_ She looked up, her eyes blazing. "What? Are you saying I'm a monster?"

Mr Durden stopped and turned his head to look back to the furious girl, "Erm, no, I'm just saying… Love isn't just defined as between two people. You can have love for God or your family. Maybe that's how you interpret love."

"But the most _important_ version of love is defined as between two people, right?" Gaz couldn't help answer back, "That's the kind of love you _wanted_ us to write about."

Mr Durden now turned completely to look at the teenage girl a mixture of surprise and annoyance on his face. "Well, no, I said how _you_ define love, if you have trouble doing the task than don't blame me."

Gaz froze, biting the inside of her lip before putting her head back down. _'If you have trouble doing the task,'_ She couldn't define something that she'd never thought existed. She couldn't write about something she'd never felt before. She couldn't even begin to understand something that she was afraid she was unable feel.

----

Gaz sat, alone in her room, the sound of some randomly picked band playing from her computer. Outside it was dark, the night had come slowly, crawling into her room before she even realised it.

She was again, alone in the house. But this time, for the first time in a long time, she wanted someone to be with her. She wanted someone to sit next to her and listen as she tried to explain the confused chaos of her mind.

Her whole belief structure had come under attack, and it was falling. She had been so secure in her ideals. She needed no one and wanted no one, but now, for the first time, she was beginning to wonder if she was wrong in her ideas. She felt… empty. Like something inside her needed to be filled, some gap that she'd never noticed before.

But at the same time, she didn't _want_ the gap to be filled. She didn't want to be emotionally shackled to anyone, nor did she have any _urge_ to go out and screw someone just for the sake of having sex.

She felt, as Zim had summed up, defective. She was a defective human being.

She had realised three things today. One: that human's must need sex if they are to feel complete. Two: she had no desire to have sex as she wasn't attracted to either male or females. Three: love was needed for a person to function properly.

This had led her to her summery that she was broken. Something inside her mind was not working and that she wouldn't feel better until she had fixed it.

Whether it was the scientist blood in her, or just the way her fathers approach may have rubbed off onto his children, Gaz decided to solve this matter in a way that she usually solved most matters that troubled her mind. She would use an experiment, the scientific approach, to solve her problem.

Her subject would be herself, her experiment would be to see if she could find, or maybe even force, herself to find someone whom she could feel attracted enough towards to love, and perhaps, have sex with, although, the very prospect of sex made her feel sick to her stomach.

Gaz may be a virgin, but that didn't mean she was completely naive. It wasn't like she'd never kissed someone or made out with someone, after all, summer camps away from everyone she knew were perfect opportunities to act out of character or open up to others without having anyone back at home knowing.

However, Gaz frowned as she remembered the three boys she'd ever gotten _that_ close to. The first being when she was only thirteen and at a youth based summer camp. They'd both hit it off immediately as being the only two in the camp to listen to heavy rock and wear black all the time. They'd gotten closer and closer, both revealing to each other how they always felt different from others and their families, until the last day when, just as Gaz was leaving, they kissed outside the bus.

She never saw him again.

The second time, a year later, again summer camp but in a different place, again another outsider like herself, dark clothes and a darker attitude. However Gaz remembered liking this boy very much. He'd been rebellious and had gotten himself, and Gaz, into trouble for causing various petty pranks on people. She'd had her first make-out session with him behind their cabin two nights before she left.

She now wondered how the hell she'd ever liked such an asshole of a person.

The third had been two years ago, again another summer camp but this one had been an art and writing camp. He'd been funny, intelligent but very skinny and quiet, almost anti-social in his attitude towards others. She'd noticed him when he wrote a story describing the pointlessness of existence, causing her to begin talking to him immediately. He'd introduced her to works such as Kafka, Dostoevsky and found answers for questions she'd always asked, showed her that she wasn't alone in her nihilist wonderings. He also self-harmed, running a box cutter blade across his arm. Something that Gaz had only found more intriguing about him, such a sharp mind, yet with such self-loathing. They'd sneak out together, into the nearby woods and sit, talk, kiss and share their musings at life.

She'd remembered reading five months later that he'd killed himself out of depression. What a poor waste of a great and talented young mind.

As she sat on her bed, her legs curled up to her chest, she wondered if by being with these three boys made her straight. She remembered liking them, but not feeling any of the so-called symptoms of love. She'd hardly missed them when she'd left the camps, never really thought about any of them much, although she did feel bad for the third one when she'd read about his death in the papers.

She hadn't loved them, or liked them enough to go any further then making out. She'd never liked anyone else that much since.

Her brow furrowed as she thought on these experiences. What had been different about these boys? Or was it more of the environment that she'd been in? Yes, perhaps it was the way she'd acted. She had been in a freer mindset, less pre-occupied with the consequences of her actions, more willing to open up.

Perhaps if she was more like that now, she'd be more likely to find people attractive, or at least interesting, enough to _try_ and love.

She nodded to herself, but she didn't smile. This task was probably going to be much harder then she already thought it would be.

----------

And so, it's all over till the next update!

The 'not caring about life' thing is something I though suited Gaz well, so I put that in there and the part with the teacher asking if I really believed in the 'no love' thing actually happened to me, full on debate in English class and all.

Well, Mr Durden comes from that AWESOME film and book, FightClub (of which Gaz can actually be seen reading in the show, under the name 'PunchClub' (Episode: Rise of the Zit Boy)).

In the first chapter some of you expressed your… distaste at the highly nihilist attitudes and the anti-emotion, anti-love opinions. Well, I want to tell you all now that this story will contain heavy tones of anti-commercialism, critical views of the use of sex in our society and a negative view of different groups in society due to the _real life_ experiences I've had with them on explaining my position.

However, the most complained about aspect was the anti-love element of Gaz's character. I want you all to know that I don't consider every asexual to be loveless or cold or nihilist, I just consider Gaz that way because of her character in the show.

The next chapter is gonna UP the maturity and throw ALL sorts into chaos, so be warned.

But in the meantime, till our next sweet meeting, R&R!


	3. Wet Dream Blues

RIDE THE LIGHTING! (Commences intense thrash-metal headbanging)

Anyway, this chapter is really just dealing with more stuff and will begin to move into more adult-themed themes, but also, will break all known cliché's of them at the same time.

As you do.

Gaz also tries to force herself to find people attractive, which in my opinion is an IMPOSSIBLY hard thing to do.

So. Warning label as follows, there's a very short very crappy scene involving dreams and… erm… things. You'll know when you get to it ok?

So you all know, I don't particularly like this chapter very much. It's not that I hate it, it's just… not as good as I wanted it to be, you know?

Whatever.

So, I own nowt. Yup.

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One whole week. It'd been one whole week since her promise and as Gaz wandered through the halls of her high-school, keeping herself as far away from others as she could, the words of her, so far unfulfilled, promise entered her thoughts.

'_Try and look for someone,'_ the voice of her conscience whispered to her, _'Try and find at least one boy physically attractive.'_

Gaz forced her gaze up, glancing over the people that passed her by. The first males her eyes landed on where a group of average, normal, totally un-out of the ordinary college rock fans. Baggy jeans and t-shirts over long sleeved shirt types.

'_Boring.'_

Then a group of moaning depressed, all very similar looking emo boys, all wearing their little sisters pants, all star trainers and some kind of band t-shirt with eyeliner made to look like they've been crying.

'_No.'_

Goths, all dressed in black and white makeup, heavy metal boots, chains, piercings and lots of hate for the norm.

Gaz paused. She considered herself to be something of a goth dresser but she didn't go through with the thing as a whole. Goths were often just as bad, sometimes worse, than their prep enemies when it came to liking certain bands, clothes and opinions in general.

And besides, all of these guys looked unattractive anyway.

As she walked past each group of people, she scrutinized each and all of the males she saw. None of them even registered.

By the time she was sitting down across from Zim, Gaz was feeling highly disappointed with herself. She'd tried, actually tried, to find at least someone attractive, but each time she just felt nothing. It was like whatever it was that caused desirability towards others just wasn't there, a vital cog removed from her heart.

She felt… almost disgusted at herself. She was increasingly finding that she was broken, and alone, distant from others. Almost as if there was a glass mirror, and on one side everyone was happy, smiling and hugging and kissing and feeling the effects of love, while she was on the other side, dark and alone and cold.

'_I'm going to die alone…'_ The thought seeped into her mind as she stared at the table, _'I'm going to die alone, and cold, and having never felt love.'_

She cursed herself. She wasn't meant to care so much, she was Gaz! She never needed and never wanted anyone before, so why should she care so much now? Her hands clenched into fists. She felt like smashing the table up in anger, but she didn't.

Instead she reached into her bag and took out her Gameslave Three and began playing, wishing for the game to wipe her mind of her problems for a while.

Zim watched as Gaz began to play her game, an unusual look of forced concentration and anger on her face.

The irken however, said nothing. He knew better then to annoy Gaz while she played a game and by the look on her face Zim assumed it'd be suicide should he even say a thing.

Instead he looked around, this was the third day in a row Dib hadn't sat with them, but at least last night he'd be caught trying to sneak into his base. So he'd had the chance to mock and lightly threaten him over his new girlfriend before setting robot chipmunks on him.

That'd be a good laugh for an hour or so.

A sudden, not often heard sound hit the irken's disguised antenna, the sound of a computerised 'you lose'. His eyes widened, Gaz hadn't lost a game during lunch since that great flu epidemic last winter, and that'd only been when she'd be so run down that she didn't have the energy to keep her eyes open to play.

Something was most defiantly wrong with the girl.

Gaz slammed the handheld down and cursed. Her eyes looked up and locked onto Zim's surprised expression. Her face twisted as she snarled. "What?"

Zim quickly looked away, "Nothing, human, nothing at all."

"No, what is it?" Gaz growled, her annoyance at herself being forced out onto Zim.

"You never lose during the lunch hours," Zim commented slowly, not wanting to entice the Gaz-human's wrath, "So you're either ill or troubled by some… troubling thing."

'_I'm ill, I can't feel affection,'_ Gaz quickly answered in her mind. She quickly brushed the thought away. "Mind your own business."

"Fine," Zim replied, "I've got to think of a new _amazing_ plan anyway."

Zim began poking his food with a fork while leaning onto the table, supporting his head with a hand.

Gaz wanted him to ask again, to try and pry into why she was feeling so angry and so sad. But she quickly realised that he wouldn't. No one would. Because she'd never needed to before, so why should they start now?

Gaz' stomach dropped as she realised, not only could she never reach out to other people, but no one would ever reach out to her.

----

'_What's wrong with me?' _The question had been echoing in her mind since she'd arrived home. She'd gone right into her room, as usual, with the intent of drowning her thoughts with images of bloodshed in high graphics and occupying her mind with thoughts of winning the game she'd been playing.

However, she couldn't concentrate. The plot to the game had a romance, a pairing of the main character to the classic damsel in distress. Gaz couldn't play anymore, the game was reminding, almost mocking her of her own problem.

Everything around her was reminding her of nature's fundamental law. Love is in everything. Everything expect her. She was a freak of nature.

Gaz sat on her bed, her legs up against her chest and her arms wrapped around herself. She felt sickened at herself.

All this time she'd been laughing at humanity for its failures, its drawbacks and its mistakes, at humanities inability to see its own worthlessness but now she realised that it didn't matter if the majority were idiots who were slowly killing themselves, because they could stand it as long they could at least _feel _that someone was there for them.

As long as they had love, they didn't need anything else. Such a powerful emotion could sustain an entire civilisation from collapsing in on itself with the pure horror of what they'd done to each other, to their world, to the life that existed around them.

And Gaz would never know how it would feel.

She was isolated, completely and utterly, both physically and emotionally. She had no friends to turn to, she'd quickly isolated herself from others at a younger age, her mother was… gone, her father was too busy to care and Dib was now completely preoccupied with his own life, his own love.

She'd never felt alone before.

She'd always had her games to keep her company but now they'd turned against her, and unlike her games no magic spell would help rid her of her confusion at her sexuality, of her self-hate at her own cold heart or at the repulsion she felt whenever she even thought about trying to reach out to someone, although she was desperate for someone to listen to her.

Her mind was conflicting, warring and fighting against itself. She felt torn, tired, hurt almost.

'_NO!'_ Her mind yelled at her, _'Stop this! You _can_ fix this! You _can_ pull yourself together and figure out what's wrong with you!'_

Gaz lay down onto her side, crawling up her bed until her head rested on the pillow. _'How? How can I fix this? How can I fix _myself_?'_

Her eyes closed and didn't re-open. The week had been so tiring, so hard. Her mind was exhausted from its inner fighting.

Slowly, Gaz let sleep drift over her, she needed a good night's rest. As she slept, she began to dream. She was in her dream, but so was Zim.

It was like Gaz was watching the scene from a TV, watching Zim and herself talk, but she couldn't make out their faces properly, like they were blurred. Then suddenly, they were on a bed. Then they were touching each other, then kissing, then there clothes vanished, then they were having sex, very passionate, very graphic sex.

Gaz' eyes snapped open; she shot up in her bed. She felt sick, very sick, almost to the point of throwing up.

She took in deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. But she couldn't. The images were still playing through her mind like a repeating cassette, over and over again, making her feel even sicker. What's worse was that she feeling wet…

'_Holy… FUCK! I'm getting turned on by this!'_ Gaz felt repulsed with herself. She wanted to dig her nails into her skin and tear it off. She felt like digging knives into her legs just to feel pain. She felt like slashing at her face, her brain, her mind, just for conjuring the thoughts.

She was panicking, and she knew it. She wanted to get these thoughts away, she wanted to stop feeling disgusted with herself, she wanted to scream and shout and tear her body apart in a excruciatingly gory way for its treachery.

Instead she settled for curling up into a ball, biting her lip and pressing her nails against the skin of her arms. She'd never felt so revolted at her own body, not even when she'd had her first period, that was something completely unavoidable, this was something her own mind was doing to her.

Her fingernails dug into her arms and the pain felt… good. It distracted her from her thoughts while also giving her a sense of punishment. She was hurting herself for thinking such things, it was only right. She hated herself, she should feel pain, it'd make her feel better about being such a cold unfeeling being, about her own mind rebelling against her heart.

Replace the emptiness with pain, because she _deserved_ it.

Her mind warned her where such thoughts could lead, pain was never a good way to deal with something like this, but Gaz didn't care. She felt sick, repulsed at herself, and even scared.

Right now she'd take any cure.

----

"And so, my _amazing_ new plan will end up destroying all the water on this planet!" Zim ranted on; unaware that Gaz wasn't even listening.

It was lunch time, once again, and Gaz had taken her usual place across from Zim on the table.

Dib wouldn't be joining them; he'd be watching Gretchen in band practice. It was something of a mixed blessing. On one hand, Gaz didn't have to listen to him and Zim argue all the time, on the other, she now had to put up with Zim more then she had to in the past. Right now he was telling her about his new plan to evaporate all of earth's water supply.

However, Gaz wasn't listening. She was just staring at him, wondering why the hell her mind had chose Zim as the subject to her little un-wanted fantasy.

She not only did she find him annoying, he was stupid and not to mention not even human. She supposed Zim wasn't unattractive, if you ignored the lack of ears or nose, but she didn't personally didn't feel attracted to him.

So why had she wet-dreamed about them having sex? What the hell was going on inside her mind? Was she going mad? Was this some kind of repression working itself and using Zim as just something to project her inner needs onto?

If so it linked back to her first dilemma, why Zim?

Either way, that feeling of self-loathing hadn't left, it had softened, but it felt like it was hiding just under her skin, waiting to strike again at her mind and drive her more into confusion and hate.

"-And that's how it'll all work," Zim finished with a sure-fired nod. When no one replied he frowned. "Gaz-human?"

"Wha?" Gaz snapped out of her thoughts, "Oh, yea, very pathetic Zim."

Zim narrowed his eyes at the girl, "Oh you'll see how pathetic my plan is when you all DIE!"

"I'm sure I will," Gaz mumbled, looking down at the cheese sandwich in her hands. She didn't feel hungry in the slightest, but she hadn't eaten any breakfast this morning, and she reasoned that she had to eat to keep her energy up.

But the sight of food was making her feel ill. Whatever, she could live off drinks anyway.

"You seem distracted Gaz-human." Zim commented as he crunched a lettuce sandwich. Zim could eat vegetables; he'd slowly managed to build up a tolerance to Earths mass of water, after all, being on a planet that's three quarter's acid was hardly safe for him. However, very strong alkaline and acids still caused him pain, as well as meat. Zim didn't mind, he just passed himself off as a vegetarian, although Dib still threw the odd piece of baloney at him, just to remind him how much meat pained him.

Gaz wondered how they did it. How did they manage to keep up this fighting for so long? It wasn't even about saving the earth anymore, Gaz suspected that they both knew the armada wasn't coming, yet they still battled.

Maybe it was true hate, enemies to the end. Maybe it was because they liked to fight. Gaz liked to think it was because it both gave them a sense of completeness; they fought because they were unsatisfied with themselves. It was like self-harm, only without hurting yourself you hurt someone else and in turn they hurt you back.

Why was it that pain seemed to be just as accessible in society as love? It was almost as if the two where linked, married almost. Whenever people weren't having sex, they were suffering some painful affliction. The ultimate high of love was always followed by the horrors of pain.

And if you didn't have someone to fuck, then you were only feeling hate.

Gaz felt a lot of hate towards herself lately, and since she was now sure she couldn't feel love, she realised she was looking at living an existence only filled with pain.

Her mind flashed with images, a knife, a wrist, blood and pain. Stabbing herself in the stomach, cutting her arms open in great bloody swathes, ripping her body apart, one slice at a time.

She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, but they still lingered, in the back of her mind, itching at her.

What would that feel like?

"Gaz human?"

She snapped around again, quickly covering her shock at her spacing with an angry glair. "What? Quit bothering me!"

Zim laughed, but didn't say any more.

----------

So!

Yes, Gaz is falling into that classic pit that I'm sure all asexuals go into at least once, the 'I'm a cold unfeeling person' pit.

Will she climb her way out? Well, you'll have to keep reading to find out…

And in other news, yes vegetarian Zim. What? What'cha looking at me like that for? I though it was a good idea at the time dammit!

Erm… yea. R&R is nice! Thank you please!


	4. The Downward Spiral

Well! Tis time for an update on everyone's favourite fic about asexuality. I can assume it's your favourite because it's the _only_ fic on asexuality.

Anyways, this chapter is my favourite. Why? Because it does several things different from other fics dealing with this subject, and thus, add's to the uniqueness that I strive to achieve within my works.

It is also CHOCKED FULL of Nine Inch Nails references and also introduces a brand new character! WOO!

Anyways, I won't lie, as most of you might have guess, this chapter is all about SELF-HARM, a subject that has always fascinated me. Why? Because there is so many lies and misconceptions about the whole thing, and everyone's self-harm is different.

It's such a mis-understood and mis-used topic to deal with.

Anyways, for all ya'll self harmers out there, this chapter may be 'triggering' as the experts put it. However, I think that if you do end up self harming from my descriptions in this, then… yea.

Anyways, don't say I didn't warn you.

I own nothing.

----------

Gaz sat and stared at the object sitting on her desk next to her laptop, the falling numeral screensaver adding a shadow to its already metal grey hue. It stared back up at her, almost mockingly, like some little demon sitting, waiting to be used, its edges glinting from the green glow of the screen, hungry and waiting to be fed, the cut out in the centre grinning like a wolf.

Gaz gulped to herself and turned away, a shiver running up her spine. Her eyes hurt, they burned, she'd been staring at the computer screen all week, everyday since she'd gotten home from school, without fail. She'd been searching the internet for an answer, for some help, for anything that could help her.

Since the first dream two weeks ago, more dreams had followed. Sometimes including her, sometimes not, but all the while they scared her, made her panic, made her feel so disgusted with herself she wanted to be sick.

But worst, was how she'd been dealing with them. The first few times she'd dug her fingernails into her arms, slowly increasing the pressure. Then she'd gone further, raking a nail file down her left arm, causing a big, angry red line to show.

Now she'd taken a razor blade from the bathroom.

Gaz wasn't stupid, she knew this was wrong, foolish, and in no way helpful. She knew that this could only lead on a downward spiral and she'd probably regret this and any scars would be there for the rest of her life.

But she couldn't see any other way. This would happen sooner or later, she knew it. She couldn't hold back the self-loathing, the images of pain, the feel of relief whenever she hurt herself. Besides, at least this was one way of dealing with her problems, and she reasoned that keeping her hate bottled up inside would only lead to worse things.

She brushed a finger across the touch-pad, causing the screensaver to blink out of existence and be replaced with the image of her Dethklok wallpaper and a box asking for her password.

_Reznor _

The box vanished, instantly to be replaced with the web page she'd been looking at, Right now she was on the forum, posting as a guest. Usually she'd never do this, ever, but this was not a usual thing, this was desperation.

She couldn't turn to Dib, he'd fret and panic and worry over her like he always did, taking his role as her protective big brother slightly too far, as always.

Her dad was never around to talk to, and he'd never listen anyway. He never did.

But this was an age were you didn't need to seek help from your family, or even your friends anymore. This was an age where obscurity and assistance were easily available though the help of the internet. Where you didn't need to give a name or address or even a face to gain the help you needed. All they knew about her was her screen name, 'EmptyInside'.

Gaz's slightly shaking fingers hovered seconds over the keys of her laptop. Her eyes trained on the keyboard, waiting for her mind to come up with the right words.

"I… I don't know what's happening to me." She typed in silence, "I can't stop thinking about hurting myself. I have a razor blade next to my laptop. I don't want to use it, but I can't see any other way of dealing with my feelings."

Gaz scowled to herself. It sounded so corny, like some fourteen year old who'd broken up with her boyfriend and automatically assumed her love life was forever over and that now she could only reconcile her complete loneliness by scratching away at her wrists with a plastic knife.

However, she reassured herself that she didn't need to care about how she sounded. This was the internet, the digital world of obscurity. It wasn't like anything could actually happen to her if she did sound corny.

She clicked the post button and leaned back, breathing a sigh of relief. It felt… good to finally write that out, to tell someone about it, even if she knew she'd never even hear their voice or see their face. But she preferred it this way. No actual confrontation, no actual need to be near to them, but still talking.

The digital world was a modern blessing to the anti-social.

She looked again to the razor blade waiting on her desk. Such a small object, but it had such a hold over her.

Slowly, nervously, she stretched out a hand towards it, sliding it off the desk with her fingertips and holding it in between her finger and thumb. Her eyes travelled down the blade, letting the dull light of her laptop reflect along the sharpened edges.

Slowly, without much thought behind her action, she brought the razor blade up to her mouth, biting down onto it, letting the metal click softly in between her teeth. Her tongue pressed against the edges feeling the sharpness, tasting the steel in her mouth.

She looked back up to the screen and refreshed the page as an odd nervous feeling entered her stomach. She was edging closer to taking the blade to her skin and she knew it.

The page re-loaded and showed that she had three replies to her post. She couldn't help a small twitch of a smile grow on her lips. That small feeling of comfort again entered her as she saw that there were other people out there in her position. She slowly brought the page down as her eyes read over the posts.

The first was from someone named 'colormecrimson', "i tink u suld go c a thripst."

Gaz snorted. _'Fuck that. I don't need a shrink to tell me how insane I am while he takes all my money.'_

"i kut myselv wen my boyfrnd ceetd on me," Gaz read on, growing annoyed at the terrible spelling, "it wz oly a few tymez, but I reely regrate it. im so gld i didnt get ane skars cuz itz nut wrth it."

Gaz was itching to reply with "learn to spell, idiot," but, biting her anger back, she ignored it and read on.

The next post was by someone called 'HeAdLiKeAhOlE11', "You should try and talk with someone. Maybe a friend, family or loved one?" Gaz felt a tinge of hurt at 'loved one', "If you're feeling this low then you're defiantly depressed about something, so try to identify what it is and deal with it. Cutting will take only some of the pain for a while, but it won't work forever and it's not worth the extra pain it brings."

'_Well at least they can spell,'_ Gaz thought as she mulled over the message, _'But I can't go to Dib or dad… not about this…'_ she took the blade from between her teeth and began to play with it in on hand, watching the innocent yet highly tempting razor move between her fingers_. 'It's too personal. They'd never understand, not in a million years. They'd laugh and think I was making it up or something…'_ She frowned. _'Ok. Logic states that I can't be the first person in the world to feel this way, but what I feel must be rare. So rare that not enough of… people like me are around to constitute enough to be counted in the overall collection of sexuality types, meaning that it's more likely to be some disorder or something.'_

Gaz again felt a surge of depression and disappointment in herself. Again, she felt that sense of being defective, wrong. She wasn't a true human, she didn't respond to people properly and now she was close to self-harm, actually drawing blood from herself just to cope, just to make physical the pain of being broken inside. Just to know that she, as an unfeeling being, could feel something, even if was pain. Just to know that she was being punished for being a wrong human.

She sighed and looked back to the screen, scrolling down to find the third post. This was much bigger then the other two, and was posted by someone calling themselves 'SqueeGee777', "It's your choice if you self-harm." Immediately Gaz's eyes widened, this was something she never thought she'd see on this site. "Self-harm helps, that's the truth. It'll make you feel better, feel in control, but keep in mind it won't do that forever. You have to keep control of your own harming or it'll take control of you. Use self-harm as a way to keep yourself sane while you find a better, more effective answer to your problems, that's what I do. I don't regret self-harming at all, it's my choice and I acknowledge that. I still cut myself, but only when I really need to, otherwise I deal with my problems through talking with people, by writing or drawing."

Gaz' jaw would have dropped should she have not been reading so attentively. This person, this 'SqueeGee777' had spoken her thoughts almost directly, even adding to them with actually helpful suggestions.

She felt better. Better about her decision, about her own feelings towards what she was about to do. She felt like whoever this person was, they could understand her.

Again, the blessings of the obscurity of the internet served her well. She quickly requested a private chatbox with this person. She waited to see if they would accept, which to her surprise and delight, they did.

Gaz wasted no time in going right to the point. "You read my mind," she typed out, "I only want to deal with my self hate until I can find an answer, and cutting myself seems the only good way to cope right now."

"I bet you can't talk to your parents either," SqueeGee777's words blinked into existence under her own, "Am I right?"

Gaz again was quietly surprised. "Yea, my mom's… not around, and my dad would never even listen, even if he stayed home enough."

She could almost see him smile on the other side, "My moms here, but she'd too out of it to ever listen. My dad's completely unapproachable."

Gaz paused, than typed, "What's your motivation? Why do you hurt yourself?"

"Why do you want to?" Gaz could tell this was defiantly a fellow intellect.

"I can't feel love." Gaz replied slowly, sadness entering her expression again, "I don't have any attraction to anyone, any sexual attraction… I'm a defective. I need to hurt myself, because…" Gaz paused, thinking of the right words, "I know if I don't, I'll do something much worse. I need to release the pain inside me or I'll explode."

There was a notable pause before their answer. "I'm defective. I'm scared of so much, I see so many terrible things happen all around me and I…" they paused, then they continued. Gaz assumed they must feel the same she felt about them, "hear things… voices. They only make me more scared. Cutting helps me get away from all that, it helps relieve the fear and it makes the bad things go away for a while…"

Gaz' eyes fell onto the blade she was now holding in her hands. She smiled sadly and quickly typed. "Life sucks."

"Indeed." She chuckled at the answer.

She placed the blade back in-between her teeth. "I've got to go…"

"I understand," her hidden message had gotten through, "One tip."

Gaz raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Cut up your arm and not at your wrist," SqueeGee777 typed back, "If anyone suspects you can show them your wrist and they'll accept it. People think all cutters only use their wrists because they're suicidal."

Gaz shook her head and typed. "I don't want to kill myself."

"But I could die tomorrow and not care?" SqueeGee777 finished for her. Gaz, for the first time in a long time, felt impressed.

"Exactly," She smiled wearily. "… You know, maybe we should talk again."

"I'd enjoy that." The answer lifted her mood slightly, and she bet the same was for her new online friend.

"Take care, EmptyInside."

"Thanks. You too, SqueeGee777." Gaz would have never shown such sensitivity if she was talking to this person face-to-face and she knew it. But this was someone who she could relate to, someone who was going to be blankly honest with her, and she to them. It was a relationship based purely on honesty. She wished that relationships like that could exist in real life.

She closed the box, ending the convocation and walked over to her bed, sitting onto it and crossing her legs.

She pushed her sleeve up her left arm and took the blade out of her mouth. She stared at the blade itself, choosing a side to use. Then, she licked it, as if cleaning it, readying the blade for her blood.

She brought the blade down on one arm, away from her wrist, watching her already pale skin grow whiter under the light pressure. Her arm tensed and she clenched her free hand into a fist. A nervous, sick feeling was growing in her stomach.

Could she really go though with this? Maybe not now, but if not now, when? When it'd be her wrists as she attempted suicide from the amount of bottled up pain?

She thought about the way her heart and body and mind continued to betray her, how she couldn't feel the most important of all human emotion, how she was now destined to die alone and cold. How she was a broken, unwanted, defective human being.

Before she realised it the blade was already cutting into her skin and a sharp but expected pain shot up her arm.

She looked and saw she wasn't bleeding. She placed the blade again on her cut and drew across, pressing harder, wincing at the pain. She drew blood this time; she could see it welling up within her cut.

Gaz flexed her hand, letting the pain pulse through her. She focused in on it, letting it become the only thing in her mind.

She sighed, closing her eyes. It felt… good. The pain, the blood, it felt good. It was like some blanket, comforting her emotions and her mind. She felt… better. She couldn't believe it, but she felt better about herself. All that pain, anger, self loathing and confusion was gone, and while she knew they'd come back, she didn't care. She'd missed feeling complete.

Gaz looked down to see the blood was edging along the cut, threatening to run over the sides. She moved her arm up and licked the wound, tasting the iron of her own blood on her own tongue.

She watched the cut for a few seconds longer, but it seemed either she hadn't cut deep or that her blood was already clotting because it didn't bleed much, even the pain was dampening.

Satisfied with her work, she placed the surprisingly blood-free razor on her bedside cabinet and took off her pants and shirt, preparing for sleep.

As she settled in her bed, she lifted her arm up and looked at it, the fresh but small cut still hurt, but in an odd comforting way. She ran her fingers over it gently, wondering how long it'd take to heal and if she'd get a scar.

'_Hold long until I cut again? A day? A week? A month?' She_ blinked, slowly as sleep began to come over her. She smiled to herself, _'At least I'm feeling better.'_

----------

WOO!

How'd you all like THAT piece of EXTREME realism? Oh yes, super mega description going on there…

Anyways, hope you all likes this. And before you ask, I DO believe in Squee's statement about self-harm, and so do practically every other cutter I know (and I know a lot of them).

So, R&R my readers! You're opinions fuel me!


	5. Look At The Alternatives

BANG! And in a flash of smoke, I appear…

Yes, anyways, many of you might find this chapter kinda short. Which it is.

The reason is because while the chapter is because the next chapter is MUCH longer then this one.

Sooo, last chapter was received far more… bettely(?) then I though it'd be. Lot's of peeps saying "Yes!" rather then "No!"

Anyways, yes, short filler chapter with some small points about cutting, summore. If peeps reading this get any hints then it'd be like 1) YEA! It works! And 2) I gave cutting hints out on the net…

So… whatever.

I own nowt lid.

----------

It was weird, the first morning after her first cut. She could still feel the hurt of the small wound, so sensitive on her clothes, and a dull throb throughout the day. She felt unusually self-conscious, always wondering if anyone would suspect anything.

But they didn't.

Nothing changed, no one noticed. Zim was too busy fighting Dib and failing with his stupid plans, Dib was too busy fighting Zim while trying to keep Gretchen happy and her father… well he hadn't been home in three weeks, but his messages to clean the dishes and tidy their rooms kept popping up on the answering machine.

The week went on and the cut healed up, quicker than she'd thought it would. The thing about cutting with such a sharp object is that the cut is clean and thin, allowing the skin to heal up much faster then an accidental jagged cut.

The next week, she cut again, and then the same for the week after that. A pattern quickly emerged; one cut a week, each time getting a little deeper, a little longer, a little more reliving. She'd been surprised to find that unlike all those stories and the odd fan-fiction she'd read, blood does not spill down your arm like stream, at least hers didn't. However, she never gave it the chance; she would always lick up the blood in order to get a clearer view of how deeply she was cutting.

She had thought about how she'd now have to forever wear long sleeved shirts, but it wasn't like she was a fan of t-shirts before. How she'd never willingly go swimming again, but then again she couldn't remember the last time she went swimming.

SqueeGee777, or as he'd revealed after a month, Todd, had also been a great help in easing her into the techniques of keeping her new habit secret. Hide your tool in plain sight. Buy boxes of band-aids. Only leave your tool at home, taking it to school would only lead to an unhealthy dependence and an increased suspicion.

While the dreams hadn't stopped, even stepping up to include a fictional version of Todd, she'd made some progress on her confusion. She'd eventually found that she could have a number of different mental disorders, each one being characterised by a lack of emotional feelings and no sexual desire.

There was some comfort in this answer, but also an increased sense of feeling broken and wrong. One of the fallbacks of self harm was an increased sense of isolation and loneliness, her only other outlet being Todd, someone who she could talk to, someone who understood. Someone who she felt needed her just as much as she needed him.

She'd found they both hated the world for its constant rejection, promotion of promiscuous behaviour and forced image of who a person should be. They both felt isolated from everyone and trapped into being alone. They both went to school every day to see people being paired off, sex being constantly labelled the number one achievement in life, marriage and children and looks coming second while getting a job to by fast cars and new clothes coming third.

Creativity, arts… all was pushed aside for the achievement of academic standards. Why learn to use your brain, when you can just memorise information and spew it back out.

Another thing Gaz found herself doing was checking people wrists. Not consciously, but whenever she had a minute or so in class, after finishing whatever work she'd been set, she'd lean back in her seat and let her eyes drift across the classroom, falling onto people's bare arms. It was as if she was trying to find another cutter, but she knew it was unlikely she'd see one without something covering their arms.

She began noticing other teens who constantly wore long sleeved tops or arm-warmers, even in the hot spring-summer weather they were having. She wondered if Dib would ever notice anything, ask why she kept wearing long sleeved shirts or notice the razor blade on her bedside cabinet. But she soon realised that Dib wore long sleeved shirts, even arm-warmers inside the house anyway, but that was just his style. Also, he'd long since learned that even going near her bedroom door equalled certain doom.

All those stigmas connected to her old perceptions of self-harm where constantly being proved wrong. She'd been online, looking at different sites with people describing their own experiences, but she didn't feel connected with them at all. When she read about people admitting their problems she laughed, actually laughed, when they'd come out and admitted it. There was no pity for those who couldn't handle their cutting. In fact, looking at some of the stories and pictures, she sometimes felt jealous. Jealous at the size of the scars, the amount of blood split. It was such an odd reaction, one she didn't expect to feel.

"Your scars may not be as deep or as numerous as other cutters," Todd had typed to her, "But that's not what counts, it's the fact you are cutting that counts."

Keeping her secret was far easier then she'd ever expected it to be. There was no sneaking around, no constant fear of anyone noticing. The only thing she had to do was make sure her cutting arm was always covered when she was in school; otherwise there was no problem at all. Act normal, and no one would ask any questions.

It'd been two months since her first cut and now Gaz' arm was striped with scars, each one getting a little deeper and larger as they moved down her arm, changing from a milk white to a pinkish red and her latest cut being of three days ago was healing well, the brownish line of a scab already starting to shrink from her arm.

"How are you?" The words popped up in a message box, a sound quickly alerting her that Todd was talking to her.

Gaz clicked and typed out her reply, "I'm fine. My arm hurts, but that nothing new."

"Heh, tell me about it," Todd typed back, "I'm starting to wish I was ambidextrous."

"How are you?" Gaz typed back as she looked at another web page explaining how to spot people with schizoid disorder.

"I'm fine," the reply blinked into existence, "I just got the new Nine Inch Heels album, it's a great listen."

"I got that ages ago," Gaz chuckled, "A little late for it aren't you?"

"I'm not rich like you, Gaz," she knew he was typing it without any mean intent, "I had to save up for a while."

"Well, it's still good you got around to buying it." Gaz typed back, not really sure what else to say.

There was a pause, then suddenly, Todd's message came up. "How goes your search for answers?"

Gaz' eyes dropped to her keyboard before looking back up. "Badly. I don't know if I have this schizoid disorder or not, but I know there has to be some reason why I find no boys attractive."

"Can I ask you something?" Gaz frowned at Todd's question; it was rare he was so cautious towards her.

"Sure," Gaz typed out, not watching her fingers, "As long as it's nothing too personal."

"It might be."

The answer caused Gaz to narrow her eyes, but her curiosity took over. "Go ahead."

A small sentence below the text box told her Todd was typing his message out, and Gaz was filled with a sense of uneasiness. Todd was smart, but most importantly, he had sense. If there was one thing that Dib and Gaz both agreed on, was that the world had no sense anymore. People were stupid and ignorant and that was a harsh truth that even Dib accepted. The arguments began when Dib said that humanity was still worth the effort because it could improve while Gaz remained firm on her idea that humanity was a lost cause.

If Todd was about to ask her something personal, most probably a theory on why she couldn't feel love, then it wouldn't be something he'd just thought up on the spot.

The speakers alerted her that Todd's message had popped up, and she clicked to read.

"Maybe you're gay." Gaz felt a sudden shock run through her, followed by a deep, fearful, uncomfortable feeling in her stomach. "You said you couldn't find boys attractive, but maybe that's because you aren't attracted to boys. Maybe you're attracted to girls, and your dreams are just your mind trying to express your feelings but it has yet to realise how."

"No way." Gaz's fingers tapped the answer out angrily, "I'm not gay."

"How do you know?" The answer came back, somewhat quickly. It was amazing how even without hearing Todd's voice she could still detect anger from him.

"Because…" Gaz stopped, "I've kissed guys before."

"Look, I'm sorry." Todd's answer came quickly, he obviously meant it, "I'm not saying you are gay, it's just a theory that I think you should at least look into."

"…maybe." Gaz clenched a hand. "Fuck… now I'm even more confused then before."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… just… it's a possibility, ok?" The boy on the other side apologised, but it didn't affect Gaz' now destroyed sense of self.

What if she was gay? The idea seemed insane, she'd never even thought about girls like that, she often found them to be just as stupid and as stupid as boys, each sex was just as bad as the other. Her mind was already racing with images, visions she didn't want to see. She felt more repulsed at herself then ever.

"I… I've got to go." She sighed off before Todd could even reply. Immediately she got off her desk chair and almost ran towards her bed, grabbing the razor blade from her bedside cabinet.

She pressed the blade against her arm, harder then ever before and raked it across. For the first time ever she drew blood on the first cut. She cut again and again across her new cut, deeper and deeper. Her arm screamed in pain and Gaz grimaced, trying to focus in on the sensation of her own bleeding, her own pain, finding comfort in her own suffering.

She gulped and then sighed. She felt calmer now, the confusion, the panic and fear was driven away for a while. She could take the time to think, to get her thoughts sorted.

She couldn't deny the fact that the evidence was all there. She didn't find boys attractive, she was confused about herself and she hadn't ever thought about girls before, meaning she had yet to even try to find them attractive.

But what if she did? She reasoned that she was confused, meaning she could feel things that aren't true. And she'd kissed those three boys, meaning she had at one point been interested in boys enough to try that. If she was a lesbian, then shouldn't she have kissed three girls instead?

She was drawn away from her questions by an odd, almost tickling sensation on her arm. A single line of blood, tracing from her new cut, had ached its way down her arm. She looked at it with some grim amusement, so that blood drip thing really does happen? She quickly licked the blood up, brushing her tongue along the roof of her mouth. It was a strange practice, but she found some strange added comfort in tasting her own blood. It was like it made the whole thing real, it confirmed to her that this was her body, her blood, her wounds.

She lay back on her bed. She may not be gay, but she had no proof of this. She'd have to go to someone who specialised in advice like this. She'd have to go to the most open queer in high school, the president of the schools gay-bi-lesbian alliance club.

She'd have to ask Keef.

Gaz immediately scowled. She hated Keef. Not because the guy was gay, Gaz wasn't homophobic, but because of the way he presented himself. He wasn't just gay, he was a screaming camp queen of a gay, and Gaz couldn't stand being near him.

She hated anyone who openly flaunted themselves like that, who thought it was ok to walk around flirting with everyone, wearing stupidly bright and revealing clothes and having some kind of constant annoying lustful smile on there face's as they knew they made others uncomfortable.

Of course, no one could say anything. Tell Keef to shut up and he'd scream hate crime. Gaz was all for tolerance of different lifestyles, but it couldn't work if the other side abused that tolerance.

She sighed, the group met tomorrow after school, she knew because there were fliers everywhere on the corridors. She didn't want to walk in and introduce herself; she couldn't handle that many people at once, so she'd have to wait till after the group met, she'd catch him while he was leaving.

She felt nervous about this. Both outcomes could leave her feeling bad. On one hand, anything Keef tells her could lead her to realise she was gay, but what then? How would she tell dad or Dib? And what if she found she wasn't? Then she'd just be back at square one all over again feeling frustrated and angry that she hadn't found an answer.

She looked down to her still painful arm, the bleeding had stopped, but by the looks of it this had been the largest, deepest cut she'd ever made.

Gaz sighed and placed her hurt arm across her thin stomach. Life sucked.

----------

Well, that's another day another chapter.

As you guys may guess, this aint my fave chapter, but the next one is much, much better then this.

IT HAS KEEF!

Keef is always the gay guy in my fics. Why? Cos he's SCREAMING in the show, that's why. I mean he has a rainbow on his SHIRT!

Anyways. Erm, yes. I think there's a point in every asexual's… realisations, if you will, were this question pops into their minds.

I can tell you, it's not nice.

And as you see next chapter, it's even worse realising you're still not attracted to people.

So, R&R my lovely lovely lovely fans of awesome loveliness!


	6. Hard Questions With Hard Answers

ANNNNND UPDATE!

Well, this chapter is VERY, VERY important as it addresses several issues.

The first being the very touchy subject of homosexuality. Now, lemmie first and foremost lay down a personal policy of mine.

I DON'T HATE GAY PEOPLE.

However, lemmie point out another personal policy of mine

I HATE HUMANS.

See what I'm getting at?

Keef in this chapter represents a type of person I hate, and a type of character I hate. He represents the kind of gay person that I ALWAYS see on and DA with slash supporting fans. He's the kind of gay person who acts stereotypically gay just because that's how people (and all those 14 year old slash fans) assume all gay people act.

I wondered if, after pianycst's last review, I should edit some of these lines. My answer came to a resounding 'no'. I considered that it could be see as anti-gay, but in the end, this is MY story and I'm telling it how I want to. I know it's not meant to be anti-gay, I know I'm not anti-gay; therefore I shall not change it.

Just like my decision to present MY view of cutting, I'll present MY view of people who continually re-enforce their own stereotypes.

People who behave the way they THINK they should, not how they FEEL they should.

Anyways, onwards with the symbolism!

I own no characters.

----------

Gaz could hear Keef's annoying, purposely lisped voice yawning on from inside the room.

She stood, leaning against the corridor wall next to the club meeting room, her arms crossed across her body and her schoolbag on her shoulders and again, her angry extreme power metal music playing into her ears, the epic seven minute super-fast guitar solo's indicating the band was Dragonbreath.

She could feel the gentle throb of her cut healing and she crossed one leg casually across another. She momentarily raised a hand to brush a piece of hair away from her eyes, but it automatically fell back into place.

She was nervous, but she'd long-since trained herself not to show it. She felt that revealing her emotions would get in the way of extracting proper information. Besides, she'd never been good at showing emotion in the first place. She'd struggled to laugh at jokes on TV, to show sadness at funerals, to really feel any emotion. Only anger seemed to pass this rule, she found she was good at feeling anger.

Maybe it was because it was such a strong, raw and powerful emotion. Maybe it was because she'd be secretly unhappy with herself this whole time, and so her anger was really anger at herself.

She smiled slowly. Maybe she was looking too into herself and she just had a bad temper.

The classroom door opened, snapping Gaz' attention up and making her press herself closer to the wall, as if she wished not to be seen by anyone but the one she wanted to see. Teenagers, some older, some younger, all walked out of the room, chatting to each other happily. Some even holding hands.

Gaz envied them. At least they were content, secure with themselves. She wondered if they'd been in her situation, wondering why they didn't find the opposite sex interesting, wondering if they could feel love.

Once she was sure they'd all left, she moved from the wall and into the doorway of the room, turning off her music. Steeling herself and making sure she looked as stoic, but as serious as she could.

Keef immediately looked up from where he was putting papers into his bag. He was wearing a pair of black tight pants, a student belt and a pair of clipped boots. He had a long sleeved ridiculously short top, patterned by a single white stripe which showed off his pierced belly button and almost his whole chest. He had a thin face, matching his thin body, with a head of obviously dyed black hair, bowl cut and combed to one side. One of his ears was pierced and he was also wearing eyeliner with a pair of black thick-rimmed glasses that he probably didn't need over his wide green eyes.

Gaz's teeth gritted, _'Fucking trend following emo kid.'_

Keef's eyes widened and a smile grew on his face, "Hey, Gaz right? Dib's thithter?"

"Yea," Gaz took a step forward, trying to ignore that annoying stereotypical gay lisp that he was putting on. "I wanna talk to you."

Keef smiled and sat up onto the desk. "What about? Oh wait, I can already gueth…"

"No." Gaz quickly cut ahead of him, "I'm not going to join your stupid club, or attend any of your pathetic parades, or even acknowledge your existence after this meeting."

Keef pouted, "Well what is it then, thilly?"

Gaz felt like punching him, Keef was beginning to grate on her nerves again. She growled, making Keef shrink away. "I need to know… how to tell if…" She looked down and clenched her fists mumbling, "I'm gay or not."

Keef's eyes widened and his hands flew to his mouth in an overly effeminate way. "You're finally coming out!"

Gaz immediately stiffened as her, so far held back, rage exploded within her, "WHAT!?"

Keef, in that horribly cursed way of his, seemed oblivious to the almost murderous teenage girl in front of him. "I always knew it you know, always." Gaz's eye twitched, "You never paid any athenthion to boys, always so withdrawn, all the clathic hallmarks of a clothet sithter."

One moment, Keef was sitting there, a big grin on his face, happy with his delusional little theory, the next moment he was on the floor, pain ripping through the back of his head as the front of his shirt was held tight up to his face and the horribly angry, furious face of Gaz growled down on him, her other fist held tightly, and raised, at her side.

"Now you listen here you FUCK!" Gaz screamed at him, the cut on her arm suddenly seemed to hurt more, "I came here looking for answers, not to be judged by some annoying EMO FAGGOT with a fake LISP."

"You can't call me that!" Keef quickly breathed out, dropping his fake lisp, "That's offensive to homosexuals!"

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" Gaz screamed at him, "I walk in and you automatically assume I'm gay? You cast judgement on me just because of a question? That's offensive to _me_!"

"Then why _are_ you here?" Keef was shaking, but it seemed he had enough bravery to at least form some feeble resistance against Gaz. "You said you wanted to know if you're gay…"

Gaz froze for a moment, then let go, causing Keef to breathe a sigh of relief. "I want to know if I'm repressing my own sexuality because I might be gay. _Might_. And I was hoping you could help, being head queer and all."

Keef frowned slightly, but slowly pulled himself onto his feet. "I don't know if I can really help you."

"What?" Gaz growled again, causing Keef to flinch backwards. "You're the head of the gay-bi-lesbian club and you _can't_ help me?"

"I'm _gay,_ Gaz, as in with other _men_." Keef explained anxiously, as if expecting Gaz to attack him again, "You should really talk to a lesbian."

As if on que, the door to the room opened, and the two teens turned their heads to see a girl step into the room. "I think I left my ISlave in here…" she saw the looks of the other two and her face dropped, "What's going on?"

Keef quickly moved towards her, away from Gaz, and smiled. "Izzy! Justh the girl we need!"

The girl now looked rather anxious. "What?"

Keef took her hand and pulled her into the room. "This is Gaz, she wants thome _questhions_ answered."

Gaz glared at Keef's return to his almost insultingly stereotypical gay behaviour before turning to look at the girl.

She seemed about Gaz' age, although she was some inches taller. Her black hair was wavy and at shoulder length, pushed away from her face with a red hair band with a flower on it. She was wearing a red t-shirt with some anime character speaking some anime phrase printed on it, drawing some attention to her well-shaped chest. She was also wearing a pair of blue jeans and some trainers. She had a slim, but not entirely thin body and a pair of deep brown eyes which went with her light brown skin.

She raised an eyebrow at Gaz. "Keef, knock it off with that fake lisp, you sound like an idiot."

Gaz immediately liked this girl, at least more then Keef. However, the teen still kept her space, this was another unknown person after all and Gaz never got on with people, especially unknown people.

Keef frowned, "Look, are you going to help or not? Might I remind you that you're vice president and it's your duty to help anyone who comes to the club with questions on homosexuality?"

Izzy sighed at Keef's anal attention to detail and looked over to Gaz, smiling politely. "What's the problem? Have you started to notice that girls are better then boys?"

"No," Gaz replied sternly, "I've noticed that neither are as good as one another, in fact, I find both sides rather repellent and ugly. That's my problem."

The girl's eyes widened. "…okay…"

Keef waved a hand in the air and tisked, "Oh you," He turned back to Izzy, "Gaz here thinks she thinks she might be gay but she's unsure."

Izzy nodded. "Alright, I'll help as much as I can."

Keef squee'd and Izzy rolled her eyes. "Alight then, I'll leave you to it!"

"Alright then!" Izzy answered with an annoyed impatience. "Please leave now!"

"Ok! Have fun girlfriends!" He tired to wave, but Izzy shoved him out the door before he could say another word.

Gaz chuckled. "Why is he the president of your club?"

"Cos no one else wanted to be; no one wants the extra work," Izzy shrugged. She made her way to the teacher's desk and sat down onto it. "Well, I'm Elizabeth, but everyone calls me Izzy. I'm the vice president of the club."

"So it seems." Gaz answered coldly, sitting on a desk opposite the girl, "So… you're a lesbian?"

Izzy cast a half-smile. "Yes I am. Amazed?"

"What did it feel like before you knew you were gay?" Gaz didn't dance around with idle chit-chat, she wanted answers.

Izzy raised an eyebrow. "Right to the point huh? Alright," She lent back, her hands grasping the end of the desk so she didn't fall over. "Well… I knew after my second boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" Gaz questioned quickly.

Izzy looked back to Gaz, smiling slyly. "I only went out with him because all my friends had boyfriends. I didn't wanna look weird being the only freshmen without one. But then I saw Alyssa Jones in tenth grade and I fell in love, _hard_. That's when I realised I was a dyke." She chuckled to herself, "I fretted, complained, but eventually realised it's not all bad and accepted it," She chuckled lightly to herself. "Actually I felt a hell of a lot better about myself. I mean sure, I lost a few friends," she looked away for a moment, "But I gained some better ones."

"But you had a boyfriend before that," Gaz quickly asked, wanting to try and stop the girl from unloading her life story again, "So did you like him?"

Izzy looked a bit taken back by Gaz' questions, but she sighed and answered. "I… suppose. But that was just puppy love stuff; everybody has one of those."

"Not me," Gaz looked down, "I've never found anyone interesting."

"You've never liked boys?" Izzy cocked a head. "But you think you might like girls?"

"I don't like _anyone_." Gaz looked back up. "So does that mean I'm repressing myself?"

"Honestly? It's possible," Izzy shrugged. "A few of the people in the club came in saying they never liked anyone before realising they were gay, but they were usually glass closet cases…"

"Glass closet?" Gaz inquired, pulling a leg up to cross her other leg.

Izzy smiled. "You know, people who are screamingly queer but don't know it?" She frowned thoughtfully. "You don't fall into that category…"

"Yay for me," Gaz sarcastically commented back.

Izzy ignored it. "The only other type of denial case is where they like people but can't have sex with them, or when they do they think about the opposite sex."

Gaz couldn't help feel sick at the idea of sex. "So basically I'm some kind of head case."

"I didn't say that," Izzy momentarily frowned before she bit her lip, "I hope you don't mind me asking, and this is in complete confidentiality by the way, but have you ever had any… bad experiences with sex?"

"No." Gaz bluntly replied, quickly picking up on what she was implying. "I've never had sex and never want to."

"That's… sad." Izzy replied honestly. "Sex is important Gaz; it's a big part of life. People _need_ sex."

"Fuck you." Gaz didn't flinch. "I've never ever wanted sex with anyone. The thought of it makes me sick."

Izzy looked down, obviously wondering how she should reply to such a statement. "Maybe you just have a low sex drive, maybe your hormones are messed up or something… Maybe it's a phase."

"A phase that's so far lasted me for seventeen years?" Gaz growled. Something was clicking in her mind. She realised at that moment that she was most defiantly not gay. But at the same time, she wasn't straight. She was something in-between, some sexuality so rare that it was practically unheard of.

Gaz's face stayed emotionless, but inside she was reeling. She was some kind of reject from all the other people, gay and straight. She couldn't even be accepted by a minority. She'd never find her answers because no one cared for those who couldn't find it in themselves to feel attraction to others.

Izzy shook her head. "Can I… ask you something? And it's a bit… personal."

Gaz looked back up, considering the proposal. She didn't want to reveal personal information about herself, it was hard enough even talking about this subject already without going to the personal statistics. However, she sighed as she realised that in order to get answers, she'd have to open up and talk. "Ok."

"Do…" Izzy looked down and gulped silently, "Have you ever… masturbated?"

"GOD NO!" Gaz almost jumped off the desk in revulsion. "Egh! That's disgusting!"

Izzy sighed. "Well… maybe that's the problem?"

Gaz's eyes twitched and her hands curled into fists. "What?"

"Maybe you should, you know… _help_ yourself before looking to others?" The lesbian shrugged, "Maybe you don't feel attracted to others because you're still uncomfortable with yourself, or the idea of sex."

"Fuck this." Gaz growled out, "Why would I want to do _anything_ like that? I've never _ever_ wanted to do _that_ before, _ever_, and I'm not starting now."

"Come on," Izzy frowned. "You can't tell me you've never wanted to do _it_ before?"

"You… I thought you'd be helpful." Gaz grabbed her bag and turned towards the door. "All you've done is made me feel more of a freak then I already am."

"What?" Izzy looked genuinely hurt, "Wait!"

"Thanks for nothing." Gaz slammed the door shut behind her and turned to march down the corridor, only to see Keef bounding up towards her from near the exit.

"Well?" He smiled, "Did you come out the closet?"

Gaz's cold, furious, but also slightly upset expression didn't change as she moved slightly to the side of Keef and landed a swift fist into his stomach. The boy gasped, winded, and fell back against the locker, his face a mix between trying to find air and looking like he was about to cry.

Gaz could hear the door to the classroom open behind her and Izzy gasp at the sight of Keef. She must have stopped to help him because she didn't run up to catch the gothic girl marching out the doors.

Gaz looked down as she placed her headphones back into her ears. _'I need a cut.'_

The music began blaring into her ears again, making it easer for Gaz to ignore the rest of the world, which was good, because right now if even one bit of the world tried to get her attention she was ready to kick the living breath out of it.

Gaz was now sure that she wasn't gay. But that meant she was back to square one, not straight either. She'd never felt so… angry, so sad, so conflicted at herself before.

She couldn't even be a homosexual. Not only could she not find the opposite sex attractive she couldn't find her own gender attractive.

She was the definition of being alone. She'd tried being straight and tried being gay and found that her body and mind had decided to make sure she abandoned both.

Gaz never cried, ever. But that didn't mean she couldn't express her feelings in any other way, one of those ways she was about to express when she got home and to the blade waiting patiently for her in her bedroom.

'_WHY?!'_ Gaz screamed to herself within her thoughts, _'Why can't I be like EVERYONE ELSE!'_ She realised that what she was thinking went against many of the things she'd always stood against, but now she no longer cared. She'd gladly give up being who she was for even a day of being about to feel attraction to anyone, girl or boy.

She just wanted to know what it was _like_. She wanted to know why people found other people so _appealing_. She wanted to know how it really felt to truly _need_ someone.

But she couldn't, and she knew she would never be able to feel that way.

Gaz's eyes narrowed closer together. _'You are a failure at life.' _

----------

Well, yep, that's it.

As you can tell, Izzy is a representation of most REAL gay people. Normal people who just want to get on with things while also wanting to bring acceptance to who they are.

These are the type of gay people I see all the time. Not these overtly flirtatious revealing queens who run around making everyone uncomfortable and making eyes at every boy (or girl) they see, but these people who just live life like any other person while wanting other people to just tolerate them and accept them and get on with life.

Keef reinforces a stereotype while Izzy is the reality.

However, it is no coincidence that Izzy doesn't con on to the fact Gaz is asexual. I remember talking to two lesbians at a party who seemed to refuse to believe that asexuality was a real and valid sexual preference. And while I know not every gay is like that, it's still an experience that stuck out in my mind. It showed to me that just because you're of an alternative sexual choice, doesn't mean you're suddenly excused from all ignorance of tolerating or accepting other lifestyles.

Bah. Either way, another controversial chapter dealt with, possibly THEE MOST controversial chapter in the whole fic.

R&R as I'm sure you all have at least SOMETHING to say about this chapter.


	7. Things Dearest To Dib

WELL!

Time for another helping of your FAVOURITE homophobic fic! Chock full of gay-hating, republican supporting goodness!

Yea! WOO! HAIL FUHRER BUSH!

No, I kid, I'm actually a socialist at heart. Not a strong socialist, but still a socialist. I'm also fortunate enough to live in a country that has allowed pretty much anyone to do anything they want with their lives for a long time. I mean, over here we've got gay-rights, same sex marriage, the whole works, which is probably why I always find it amusing to see America put things like gay-rights as things to decide votes over.

Anyways, after last chapter, it's time for some filler-ness with some lovely, almost fluffy stuff from the one pairing in IZ I could ever see ACTUALLY working.

Dib-Gretchen.

I once read somewhere that one fan asked another why they thought this couldn't work and the answer was 'she isn't pretty enough'. If that ain't shallow, I don't know what is. Out of ALL the characters in the show, Gretchen was the ONLY one to ever actually show any interest in Dib, she gave him valentines gifts and everything!

And yet, the whole IZ community shuns her because 'she isn't pretty'…

Sigh… a cookie for anyone who can guess where 'Eric' is from…

SO! Read on and remember Vasquez PWNS teh characters in this…

----------

Gaz sat, naked in the shower, her legs curled up to her chest. The warm, hot water from the showerhead, pulled down to its lowest, rained down onto her, causing her hair to plaster against her head, falling and shadowing over her eyes.

She looked only forward, her mind unusually blank. _'So… I'm not gay.'_ She looked down to her arm, where a long, deep and very fresh cut looked back up at her, sitting comfortably next to the scabbed cut of yesterday. _'But I am getting out of control with my cutting… twice in two days, and both of them deeper then before…'_

She sighed and looked up, closing her eyes and letting the calming effect of the water hit her face and forehead, making her hair fall back.

'_I need a vacation or something…'_ She smiled, _'At least I'm not cutting at school, so I suppose I still have __**some**__ control.'_

A knock on the door snapped her attention back to reality. "Gaz!" Dib's voice floated somewhat urgently through the door, "Hurry up please! I need to get a quick shower!"

Gaz smirked. "You can wait."

"Come on!" He pleaded, "I've got to go out soon!"

"To do what?" Gaz questioned. If he was going after Zim, then he could wait, if he was going out with Gretchen then she might let him in. She may not be able to feel love herself, but she didn't feel right stopping her brother from enjoying the feeling. True, it wasn't like she cared much for the couple, but at least it was better for Dib to be doing something other then obsessing over saving the Earth or obsessing over Zim.

"Gretchen's coming soon; we're going out and I've gotta get a ton of things sorted before I leave, so come on hurry up!" There was a second pause, "Please!"

Gaz sighed, "Fine, whatever."

The girl stood back up, pushing the showerhead back into its original position. She turned the shower off and immediately shivered lightly as her naked skin reacted to the sudden drop in temperature.

She brushed aside the shower curtain and quickly reached out to the shower rack to put up a pre-placed towel. Wrapping it around herself she walked over to the bathroom mirror-cabinet and leaning onto the sink she quickly wiped a hand across the fogged mirror so she could see an admittedly blurry version of herself looking back. Her eyes automatically travelled down to her arm where her now twenty-something cuts looked back at her, her freshest two yet to properly begin the healing process and turn into scars. There was something about having a shower that caused scars to flair up, to suddenly become angry and red against the skin however they'd fade down again back to their dull pink soon enough.

She shook her head and leaned away from the sink, brushing her wet hair back with her hands before unwrapping the towel from around her and drying herself off with it. This had become fairly normal practice, as before she would have just walked out with the towel wrapped around her and dried off in her room, however, due to her scars she now got changed into her clothes directly in the bathroom. She'd dry her hair off in her bedroom.

Another knock and another, far more urgent call from Dib, Gaz smirked, she enjoyed torturing him over things like this, mainly because he was so easy to wind up.

Quickly getting dressed she finished by wrapping the towel around her hair and unlocked the bathroom door. Dib practically fell into the room and Gaz chuckled evilly as she walked out listening to him lock the door quickly behind her.

The teenager walked into her room, rubbing her hair with the towel and plopping down onto her bed.

'_I wonder how Dib feels about Gretchen?'_ The question seemed to have been plucked out the air, but it was a vaguely intriguing one nonetheless. It was true he spoke very highly of her, almost with as much passion as his hate for Zim. Even when they'd seen each other all day and even gone out later that night he'd still phone her and talk to her for hours on end.

In a way, Gaz was actually glad for her brother. He'd been an outcast, like her, but he'd actually been bothered by it. He'd always tried to reach out and help his fellow human, but they'd turned him away because he wasn't like them. Now he'd finally found someone who actually wanted to spend time with him, maybe even believe some of his theories.

Sure, Gretchen was hardly the prettiest, or even the most intelligent girl in school, but Gaz knew that hardly mattered to Dib. She supposed that could be a good thing for Dib, someone normal to be around, it might make him become more normal himself. She knew that at the end of the day all Dib needed was for someone to listen to him, and supposed Gretchen could be that person.

Gaz finished combing her hair into place when she heard the doorbell ring.

"GAZ!" Dib shouted from the shower, "Can you get that please!"

"God, I'm everyone's slave today," Gaz growled as she walked out her room, "Maybe I'll clean the whole house and go do all the shopping or something."

Ok, Gaz knew she was just being lazy and complaining over nothing, but it was still fun to complain anyway.

The girl lifted herself up just a bit to be able to look through the eye-whole of their door, only to see a fish-eye view of Gretchen standing at their doorstep.

Gretchen was a thin teenage girl, taller then Gaz but shorter then Dib. She had a small chest and a thin face with milky skin. She had big green eyes and dyed dark pink hair, tied back into thee short ponytails. Around her neck was a small black band and on her wrist where various bangles. Her face was made up with peach lipstick and light green eyeliner to match her eyes.

She was wearing a purple dress that ended at her knees with some yellow and purple sleeves and a silver belt hanging loosely from around her waist. On her feet she wore a pair of green zip-up boots that went up to her knees. In her hands she held a small black bag with a cute little skull printed on it.

She smiled, with a hint of impatience, flashing the braces on her teeth, although, by the look of things they were ready to come off any day.

Gaz opened the door, casting her usual bored look as Gretchen's smile dropped when she saw it was Gaz and not Dib.

"Hey Gaz," She linked her hands behind her back, "Is Dib ready?"

"No," Gaz stepped aside, "But you can wait for him."

"Okays," The teen girl smiled as she walked into the house, admittedly rather quickly past Gaz as she shut the door. Gaz turned and walked into the kitchen, wanting to get a soda before going back to the security and sanctity of her room were she could muse on the day's events and talk with Todd when he got online.

Gretchen followed her in, probably unsure what else to do while waiting for her boyfriend.

"So," Gaz's eyes shut in annoyance as she opened the fridge to get her cola. She didn't want to talk with Gretchen, the girl had a tendency to be rather naive most of the time and she was one of those people that'd go on about their something for hours on end, much like her boyfriend. Gretchen however, didn't notice Gaz's annoyance. "How are you?"

"Thirsty." Gaz replied as she took her cola out the fridge and shut the door.

"Oh… okay." Gretchen looked down and bit her lip, she did that a lot. Something having a very large brace for several years would do to you. Just as Gaz was about to leave the room Gretchen looked back up. "Erm, will you be up late tonight?"

Gaz stopped and narrowed her eyes. "Why?"

"Well," Gretchen managed a small smile, "I'm taking Dib to my mom's fortieth birthday and we might only get back late… and so you might have to let Dib in."

"What time?" Gaz opened her soda, trying not to think of how she'd never get to go to any boyfriends parties because she was couldn't feel that close to anyone.

"About one or two-ish…" Gretchen bounced on her heels, "Depends on when the party ends you know?"

"Whatever," Gaz wanted to go back to her room desperately. It was Friday and Todd was on really late on Fridays, as was she. Besides, she'd gotten the new Robotic Uprising Two game and she wanted to kick some ass online, with Todd at her side if he'd managed to get a hold of it. Until recently she'd never known how fun playing online with a friend was, even if she'd never met that friend. There was an added joy in killing someone when working with someone else.

"Heh, this'll be the first time he'd be meeting my whole family," The pink hair girl grinned, "He gets along with them better then I thought he would."

"Yea…" Gaz turned back and re-opened the fridge, not wanting to let Gretchen see the depressed look in her eyes. Dib was having so much fun with Gretchen, and by the sound of it he'd already been accepted by her family. No wonder he went around there so much. Why stay in a house where your family hardly talks with you when you could go to one where you're treated with some respect?

"Have you… got a boyfriend yet?" Gretchen's innocent question made Gaz freeze. She'd never get a boyfriend, even if she wanted one. She was too cold, she couldn't supply any _needs_ that her partner could want and it was unlikely they'd stay with her after they realised that.

"No, I haven't." Gaz grabbed a yogurt, wanting to leave right away. The cuts on her arm suddenly seemed to hurt that little bit more. However, as she turned to leave she realised that for a yogurt she'd need a spoon. Cursing her choice of snack she turned towards the draw they kept the knives, forks and spoons in.

"Oh, well, are you looking for one?" Gretchen asked, again oblivious of Gaz's increasingly self-hating mood. "Because my older brother's friend Eric is single and you two might get along you know? Although," Gretchen frowned in thought, "He and Dib don't get along because Eric said he was a vampire and Dib tried to stake him." She laughed, drowning out Gaz's low, but increasing growl. "You know how is about those things. Anyway," she went back to smiling, "He's into goth stuff and video games you know? So if you want I can-"

Gaz turned on the girl, snarling, "I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want a girlfriend, I don't want ANYONE. So, SHUT UP and leave me ALONE."

And at that, spoon clenched tightly in hand, she pushed past a startled Gretchen and stamped back upstairs into her room, slamming the door. Once inside she grabbed her hurt arm and clenched tightly, sighing at the light bite of pain. She was becoming too reliant on hurting herself, and she knew it.

She needed to calm down for a while, take some time out away from the blade. Sitting down onto her computer chair she loaded her laptop up and was soon online. However, before she could sign into her IM service, an irritated knock was heard at her door.

"Gaz," It was Dib, but he sounded angry. However, this was not his usual anger, or even his especially reserved anger for when he was shouting insults at Zim, this was… different somehow. Some kind of quiet fury was residing in his voice. He must be here because of the way she'd treated Gretchen, and they said chivalry was dead.

For a second Gaz looked at her door with wide eyes, amazed that Dib could have such a tone of voice, but then she realised that she could easily make him back down with her own fury.

Getting up she walked silently over to the door and swung it open. She was about to ask an annoyed 'what' but she paused, shocked at the rage in Dib's eyes. She'd never seen such a look on her brother's face before. This strange, silent rage, like she'd damaged something very close and very dear to him.

She supposed, in a way, that she had.

"Why did you shout at Gretchen?" His voice was so, blank, so seething yet dauntingly calm, like he could snap at any moment.

Gaz took a second to gather herself, fighting back with her own angry glare, "Because she was annoying me."

"If you _ever_ upset her like that again," Dib suddenly seemed to be… darker, his height made him tower over Gaz, and for the first time ever in Dib's presence, she was worried that he might actually hurt her, "I'll… You'll pay."

Before Gaz could reply he turned and marched off along the hallway and down the stairs. Gaz watched him go, her eyes widened in amazement. He'd never stood up to her like that, ever. No matter how far Gaz had pushed him, no matter how many times she'd hit him or insulted him, he'd always taken it. Always. Gaz never knew why he did it, in fact, sometimes she'd expected him to fight back. Sometimes she'd _wanted_ him to fight back, just to show to her that he could. But not once had he ever retaliated.

Yet, now, she'd only shouted once at his girlfriend and he'd literally _threatened_ her at her doorstep, almost scared her into making sure she'd never do it again.

Gaz realised that this must show how much he truly cared for her, if he was willing to stand up to her for Gretchen, than Dib really did love that girl.

Gaz turned and went back into her room, that old familiar depression creeping over her as she was once again reminded by life that she'd never have anyone to stand up for, or even have anyone stand up for her.

She sat quietly onto her computer chair, the urge to play her new game gone, replaced by the one wish that even if it meant abandoning who she was, even if it meant becoming a slave to the feeling itself, she wished she could feel love.

'_Fuck… when did I get like this,'_ she thought in silence, staring down at the keyboard, _'When did I become this depressed self harming broken person?'_

She put her head into her hands, closing her eyes tight. She wanted to cry, but she knew she wouldn't. Gaz never cried, ever and she wasn't about to cry over something like this.

'_Why must my body and heart and mind suddenly have to go to war?'_ She grimaced at herself, _'Why couldn't I just have stayed happy and content like before?'_

She sighed and looked up, deciding to see if Todd was online. She felt like she really needed to talk with someone who would understand, someone who would listen. A small smile formed on her face as she was that he was indeed online.

She took her IM of its offline setting and brought up the chat box. "Hey."

A second waiting. "Hi Gaz. How are you?"

"Bad," She typed quickly back, "You may have to listen to me rant."

"Oh." The reply came back just as fast, "Well, feel free to get it off your chest, I'll listen."

Gaz immediately began to type swiftly, hammering the keys as she vented her anger out, putting her thoughts on Dib's love-inspired power to fight back, her own inability to feel something she desperately wished she could feel, her loneliness, her cutting habits, even that day's disastrous meeting with the gay-bi-lesbian club, it all poured out of her.

"I'm sorry," She typed after finished the mini-essay, "I just needed to say all that, you know?"

There was a pause, a long one, long enough to cause Gaz to wonder what Todd was considering on the other side. Finally, the message popped up, and as Gaz read her eyes widened slightly, "Gaz, would you like to meet me?"

"What?!" the teen typed quickly back, "I don't know where you live, and you don't know where I live. We could be on opposite ends of the country for all I know."

"You're Professor Membrane's daughter, right?" A cold chill ran down Gaz's spine. "You said your brother was named Dib, you said he chases an alien around, it wasn't hard to notice you on 'Probing the Membrane of Science'."

"…fuck." Gaz replied slowly, "Was it really that easy?"

"Fraid so." Todd mused, "But don't worry, I've not told anyone and I don't know your exact house location, but I do know we live in the same state, in the same area even."

Gaz took a moment to think on this. On one hand, she would rather like to meet her online friend, and if they lived in the same area then it could be rather easy to do so. However, on the other hand, there was always that fear that Todd wasn't who he said he was and she could be walking into some terrible paedophile's trap.

"How do I know I could… trust you?" Gaz typed slowly. "There's always that danger about meeting people from online you know."

"The same goes for me as well." Todd typed back, "Therefore, I think we should meet somewhere big, with lots of people, lots of security around… somewhere where we both know we'd be safe."

"Even from each other?" Gaz couldn't help but laugh. "Alright… do you know the Mid-State Mall?"

"It's a bit of a travel; it'll take me an hour or so to get there." Todd replied slowly. Gaz felt a sudden mixture of excitement and fear. She was finally going to meet Todd, but would he be like he was online? The digital world tended to built up a false image of a person. Online someone could be a king, confident, knowing, open and talkative, but in real life the real person would come out, the shyness and ugliness, the very reasons they went into the online world in the first place.

"We'll meet outside the video game store." Gaz smiled as she thought about her favourite shop, "On the second floor, at… twelve o'clock, tomorrow."

"Give me an hour or so time space," Todd agreed from the other side, "But otherwise, considered it done."

"Heh, I can't believe we're going to meet up," Gaz chuckled. "It'll be strange to say the least."

"I know," Todd replied quickly, "We know so much about each other…"

"It'll be the first time I'd be meeting someone who knows I cut," Gaz admitted, "Someone who knows about my inability to love."

There was no reply for a while, each person thinking how what could happen the next day.

"Well…" Gaz finally replied, breaking the strange digital, but still awkward silence, "What do you want to do until then?"

"Play Robotic Uprising?" Gaz could almost see the smile in Todd's words.

----------

WELL!

Another chapter all finished up for thou peeps in thou peepsville. Robotic Uprising belongs to TEH MAN Sanoon, word up to his mother.

Mid-State Mall is from Mallrats, awesome Kevin Smith movie (watch out for more View-askew references!)

Well, there ya have it. Dib stands up to his dear sis and proves his awesome manly honour, which was a cool thing to write cos Dib rarely gets such awesomely cool lines, which is a shame cos Dib is awesomely cool. And manly.

And yes, next chapter will include the AWESOME himself, Sir Todd. I know, the idea is kinda so-so, but… whatever, I wanna use it because it's IMPORTANT for the plot yo.

Anyways… erm… yea.

R&R, cos my fics bring all the boys to the yard…


	8. We Finally Meet!

WELL!

Another chapter coming at you like CRAAAZZAAAYY, and you knows you loves it.

Well, this chapter is a MONSTER of a chapter, going up to 7 pages in length. But, it's dedicated to a very, very good friend of mine, so forgive me. Mainly because we found that we're IMPOSSIBLY like the characters in this chapter, at least in our personalities.

Anyways, this chapter is finally introing the TODD-MIYSTER into the story. He comes in and the joint is rocked… truly. To the nootch.

Ahem, so, a few Clerks references in this daddy-o.

Erm… ENJOY! Cos I own nothing…

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The mall was busy, almost busier then she usually saw it. People were everywhere, going about their daily busy shopping and buying crap that they would probably never need. Gaz's eyes moved across the mall from where she was leaning onto the railings of the second floor, overlooking the first floor and the little greenery that the architects of the mall had placed there.

Swarms of people, moving none stop, some on their own, some in pairs, some in groups. Families with screaming children who weren't getting their own way, the usual mallrats and a large group of gothy teens, near to them the local hardcore punk crew who were glairing venomously at the poser-punk and emo gang and a few groups of college-rock, alt-rock and indy kids floating around. Occasionally Gaz would spot the odd cheerleader or jock group, but they usually hung around the more sporty side of the mall, away from the spooky alternative kids.

The weather was cloudy, chilly almost, but inside the air-conditioned mall the temperature was pleasant and cool. Apparently it was going to rain later on, but so far not a single drop had fallen.

Gaz was wearing a pair of black baggy jeans that cut off to show her shins, with chains and studs, and a black top with black and grey striped sleeves that showed some of her mid-drift. She had her usual boots on and her skull necklace. She wore her usual black eyeliner and lipstick but she had chosen to wear a black choker as well. On her back was her black backpack, inside lay her phone, her ISlave, her Game Slave, some money and a tazer, just in case.

She looked to the watch on her wrist, one she'd taken especially for today, and saw that it was already half twelve. Todd was meant to be here half an hour ago.

She sighed, but he'd said he'd take his time getting here. Again her mind wondered onto what he might look like. She chuckled silently as she realised that even though he knew what she looked like from the rare occasion she'd been forced onto her dad's show, she had no idea what he looked like. She didn't even know his age, although she suspected he was around her age, maybe a year or two older. He'd obviously be dressing in long sleeved tops, wear dark clothing and maybe have long hair…

She laughed quietly to herself, she could guess all she wanted but she would soon have her expectations fulfilled.

Gaz had the sudden feeling like she was being watched and she turned, still remaining casual, to lean with her back and elbows resting on the rail. She didn't want to make herself look obvious she was waiting for someone; the mall had a reputation for people going missing on the odd occasion.

The person who was looking at her was a tall, very thin eighteen-nineteen-ish looking boy with curly dark brown hair, a very thin face with a pair of slightly wonky looking glasses. He was wearing a pair of black pants, combat boots and a black zipped up hoodie with a huge, tattered looking dark blue trench coat hanging over him, engulfing his worryingly thin form. He had some earphones in and was leaning onto his hands, which were linked at the fingers so that only his blue eyes peered over at her.

The moment he realised Gaz was looking at him his eyes switched back to looking at the floor.

Gaz frowned, was that Todd? The look fitted the assumed description of him, but if it was him, he would have held her look or walked over to her as he already knew what she looked like. But then again, it had been a few years since she was on her fathers show.

She was about to consider walking over to him when suddenly his eyes darted up, and Gaz followed his gaze to see a girl walking towards him with a huge smile on her face. She had soft features, hazel eyes with an orange tint in the centre. She was just as thin as the guy and her hair was a copper-esk colour with natural blonde highlights, cut to her shoulders. She was wearing a pair of black jeans and trainers with a long sleeved grey and black striped zip top.

Gaz watched as the boy stood up, showing he had about four inches over the girl who seemed younger than he was, but not by much.

The two shared an awkward sort of greeting before the guy bowed theatrically and asked the girl something, to which she giggled, curtsied and then pointed to the fast food area of the mall. The two then walked off in that direction laughing and talking.

"Excuse me?"

Gaz snapped out of watching the two people to turn and look at the direction of the voice. Standing to her right was a boy younger then her, somewhere around the sixteen mark. He had a sort of round, yet thin face with oddly wide brown eyes, encircled by big dark insomniac rings. His body was starved thin and his skin was naturally tanned but ill looking and light. He looked tall for his young age and was about the same height as Gaz. His hair was a sort of messy bowl cut, and soot black in colour, making his nutrient- starved skin stand out even more.

He was wearing a long sleeved shirt, the sleeves being light and dark grey striped with the main body being red and it had a strange sinister smiling blue face printed on the front. He was wearing a pair of slightly baggy black pants and a pair of worn out looking all-star shoes. He had an old brown satchel around his shoulder, hanging at his waist. His clothes hung around his thin form, making him look almost lost inside them and hinting at a thin, skinny body.

Gaz looked the boy coldly up and down before answering. "Yea? What?"

"Erm," The boy smiled nervously. "Hi."

For a second, Gaz didn't get it. Then it suddenly clicked and her eyes widened in surprise, a sudden nervousness at finally meeting him came into her stomach. "Todd?"

He smiled wider. "We finally meet."

"You're so young!" The statement was said without much thought, and Gaz immediately regretted it.

However, the boy looked down and chuckled. "Well, you're older then you were on TV."

Gaz smirked slowly, "Seriously though, you're younger than I thought you'd be."

Todd shrugged and a sudden awkwardness set in, each one unsure what to say. Finally Todd quickly mumbled, "Well, erm… do you want to get something to eat?"

Gaz nodded glad to be doing something, "Alright then."

The two walked off in silence, barely even looking at each other. Each felt how strange the situation was, each wondering if they should say something, to start some kind of convocation.

But none of them did because in some strange way, they didn't need to. It was silence, but a comfortable one, the kind of silence only shared between the closest of friends.

They went into the nearest Mooby's and ordered some fries with some poop cola, Todd also bought a burger. As they were about to tuck into their meals Todd lifted the bun on his burger, and grimaced. "This looks disgusting."

"I heard they keep their cows in confined spaces and have them eat the ground up remains of other cows before being shot in the head and turned into burgers," Gaz commented casually while eating some fries, "That's why I don't eat the burgers here."

Todd pulled a disgusted face and took his cola in one hand. "I should have known."

"Waddya expect," Gaz shrugged, "It's a multi-national corporation with the one intent of making more money to feed our already over-weight nation."

Todd nodded, "Yea, they'd cut any corner to increase their profits. I'm amazed you're even eating the fries."

"I haven't heard anything bad about their potatoes yet." Gaz smiled slightly, which was odd in itself as she rarely smiled at people.

Todd laughed and then slowly stopped to a much calmer looking smile. "So you really are EmptyInside then."

"You really are SqueeGee," Gaz answered back, "It's… nice to finally meet you."

"Same here," Todd nodded. He looked down at his now pushed-aside burger. "It's weird. I know so much about you."

"And vice-versa," Gaz nodded slowly, "Normally we'd have to go though some kind of get-to-know-you bullshit, but we've already done all that."

Todd took a sip of his cola and also nodded, "I know what you mean."

"So," Gaz leaned back in her chair, "Let's start like we always start. How are you?"

Todd huffed out a breath and leaned back in his seat, looking up in thought and holding his cola in one hand. "My dad wants to send me back to the crazy house, my mum almost overdosed and Shmee tells me he's getting so full of my fears that he might overload anytime soon, and that says all kinds of worrying things about what could happen to me."

"So it's on a downer then?" Gaz mused.

"Yea," Todd nodded, "Just a bit."

"Hey, can I… see Shmee?" Gaz had heard Todd talk a lot about his teddy bear, and the source of his schizophrenia. Todd however didn't think he was all that insane, or as he had put it 'he'd be like his neighbour'. As long as he believed he could still make a real moral choice, he wasn't really crazy.

Todd bit his lip and looked like he was about to say no. Then he looked down to his satchel and slowly opened it up. He took out the creepiest looking teddy bear that Gaz had ever seen.

Its fur was a dark brown, and torn out in some places, showing its age. The eyes were large and rectangular, unusual looking on teddy bears and was easily the most sinister part of the whole thing. Its round, almost cubby body was scarred with stitch marks from where someone at some point someone seemed to have stabbed it repeatedly, even one going through the gap between his eyes, ending at its grinning, one toothed mouth that only added to the strangeness, almost darkness of the toy.

"That's one creepy bear," Gaz couldn't help but comment.

Todd smiled wearily, "I've had him for as long as I can remember."

Gaz cocked her head as she looked at the teddy. She could almost feel it staring back at her; those pitch black eyes, looking deep into her mind…

"Shmee says you don't feel attraction like others do." Todd's statement snapped Gaz out of her staring and the world jumped back into motion again. "He says it's a gift."

"A gift?" Gaz shook her head. "No, it's most defiantly a curse."

"He says that you can see things in a way other people can't because you aren't blinded by love like other humans." Todd blinked. "Is that true?"

Gaz sighed and looked down to her fries. "Yea… I've never actually found someone attractive before, I've never wanted to have sex or anything like that."

"It's so… different when you say it in person." Todd took one of his fries in his bony fingers. "I can't begin to know how that would feel."

Gaz looked up. "You've been attracted to someone?"

Todd smiled sheepishly. "Some girls in my school… but I've never really been with anyone. I've never had the confidence, and besides, the whole thing kinda scares me, you know? People can be pretty on the outside… but then you look closer and they get ugly and creepy."

Gaz placed her gaze back down, taking some fries in one hand. "Well at least you felt something."

Todd cocked his head and looked at Gaz with thoughtful eyes. "Do you not think you could ever be with someone anyway? Just because you don't want sex doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship."

Gaz shook her head quickly, "No… they'd have needs and I could never supply them. It'd be unfair to treat someone like that, even for me."

The younger boy only nodded slowly. "I suppose so… I think it'd be unfair for me to be with someone, lots of shitty things happen to me and I wouldn't want anyone to be in any danger."

"Heh, well don't worry about anything bad happening to me," Gaz leaned back smiling smugly, "I brought a little protection, just in case."

"Protection," Todd raised an eyebrow and hugged his bear tighter.

"A tazer, from my brother's room," Gaz chuckled, "I'm surprised you didn't bring anything."

"I did." Todd smiled a strange, knowing, sly smile that didn't suit him. "But you wouldn't see it 'till the last moment."

Gaz raised an eyebrow and matched Todd's odd smile. "Well, I've faced down alien monsters and horrible piggy demons. I don't think what you have as protection could shock me."

Todd looked away. "You'd be surprised." Before Gaz could answer the boy looked back up, a far more normal smile on his face. "Well, what shop do you want to go to after this?"

Gaz shrugged, "I'm not bothered really."

"Well," Todd looked hopeful, "I need to go buy Robotic Uprising Two…"

"So I can pawn you at that as well?" Gaz chuckled, "Alright then."

The two spent the rest of the day simply going about the mall sharing their thoughts freely about life, the universe and everything. It was almost like they'd been friends forever, like they knew each other inside out.

Time seemed to spin away as the two moved around the mall talking like the oldest of companions, sharing more about their lives to each other than they did to their own parents. For one of the first times in her life, Gaz hadn't grown sick of someone after more than two hours in their presence.

However, as great as the day between them had been, it had to end eventually. The sun was starting to set and a cold breeze was blowing across the emptying streets, the bite of the wind being more effective due to lack of any proper sunlight and the damp heaviness of the air. It was obvious the clouds above were pregnant with rain, and they were about to explode at any moment into a full on downpour.

Gaz and Todd sat with their backpacks and satchels, full of new games and other trinkets from the days shopping, at an otherwise empty bus stop. Gaz was waiting for the bus that would take her home; Todd had mentioned he'd be getting a lift, although he'd been reluctant to say with whom this ride home would be with.

The two were currently talking about how people were always adding labels to everything even though they were rarely ever true.

"Like all goths worship Satan," Gaz chuckled as she sat on the edge of the pavement, her hands crossed and resting on her knees, the bus stop sign stood to her left.

To her right sat Todd, his legs crossed and Shmee sitting in his lap. "Most goths worship some stupid pagan crap. Don't they realise all gods are dead? They complain about Christian parents but they're probably more religious than they are."

"Oh no," Gaz corrected, "They're not _religious_, they're _spiritual_," she snorted and looked down the road, "As if there's any difference."

"They pay for horoscopes while the parents pay for their minister's holidays." Todd leaned back, placing his hands behind him to stop himself falling over. "As far as the supernatural goes there are only demons."

"Demons there most certainly are," Gaz agreed with Todd for what seemed like the millionth time that day. Not that she was agreeing for arguments sake, it was just that Todd and herself seemed to have almost everything in common, their opinions, likes, dislikes, experiences with people… sometimes they found it was spooky how close they really were.

"Although," Gaz added slowly, "There are aliens."

"Oh, yes, those _defiantly_ exist." The boy nodded, his voice shaking slightly in fear again.

There was a moment silence before Gaz cocked her head. "You know what another great one is?"

"What?" Todd was looking wide eyed up at the sky, as if searching for any aliens that might come and get him and shivering as the cold wind blew again.

"How cutting equals emo." Gaz chuckled as she turned to look at Todd, resting her head on the bridge her arms created. "We've been pigeonholed by a _fashion_ of all things."

"Yea," Todd nodded, "I can't stand those guys. They think cutting is cool, like it's some kind of requirement to be in an emo gang." He shook his head, narrowing his eyes slightly in anger, "And worst of all, because of this stupid fashion statement, if you ever go to a therapist trying to get help they just think you got peer pressured into it by following your friends."

Gaz growled. "Meaning those who cut seriously like us get ignored and painted with the same label. We're all trend following emo's if you self harm."

"At least it's better than being called insane." Todd reasoned quietly, "I can handle being slandered with a trend, but being locked up is just…" He shook his head, "It's harsh."

There was another moment of silence. "Can I…" Gaz shook her head and looked away, back down the road. "No it's stupid."

"What?" Todd looked over to her, a small interested smile on his face.

"No it's nothing." Gaz didn't look back to the younger teen. "You'll think I'm being like all those stupid emo morons."

"Oh, now this _does_ sound interesting." Todd moved a little closer to Gaz, causing the girl to turn her head and look at the boy as he nudged her with his shoulder. "Come on. What is it?"

"I… was just wondering…" She shifted her sitting, so that she was no longer crossed legged, her arms lying down onto her lap. Gaz bit her lip and talked slowly, as if waiting for Todd to get angry at any moment. "If I could see your scars…"

"Oh," Todd looked down and leaned forward again, holding onto Shmee tightly and looking down. For a second, Gaz thought he was going to say no. But instead, he smiled slowly without looking back to Gaz he quietly replied. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

Gaz held her still hurt arm with her hand, her fingers brushed over the cuts and the old familiar sting of her healing scars shot up her arm. "Alright."

Todd raised his head and looked around, almost like he was checking if anyone was looking. He then slowly reached for his sleeve and drew it back. Gaz couldn't help her eyes widening.

Todd's scars etched up his arm, leaving only a few inches of unscathed skin to his wrist. They were light at the top of his arm, nearer his elbow, and they grew lighter, but also longer as her eyes travelled down the scars. They were all straight and clean, such was the style of using a razorblade to cut with, but they criss-crossed over one another and had no order or style, just a plain show of pain and sorrow, a reflection of Todd's inner feelings. She noticed one scar looked particularly new, not quite fully healed yet.

Todd looked from his own arm up to Gaz's still interested gaze. "Well?"

"You've got more then me." Gaz said simply. "Is it wrong to feel a pang of jealously? You're younger than me with more scars."

"That's hardly something I can be proud of," Todd answered back with a slight hint of a chuckle about his voice.

Gaz sighed and finally looked away as the younger teen replaced his sleeve. "Well, I suppose it's my turn."

Gaz looked to her hurt arm and slowly drew her sleeve back. Gaz's scars were straight, almost lined and ordered as they went down her arm. Unlike Todd's, Gaz's scars went pinker as they moved down her arm, usually staying the same length and all positioned over the just visible blue lines of her veins. Again, this reflected Gaz's inner feelings, the way that the cutting wasn't something she did in times of overwhelming depression, but something she did regularly to keep herself sane, placed over the veins to provide a good, sharp, bloody cut that would satisfy her for the rest of the week.

She could feel Todd's eyes fall on her two latest cuts. "I've… been a bit stressed lately."

"I can tell," Todd nodded slowly before looking up into her eyes. "It's not becoming a problem is it?"

"No," Gaz shook her head and replaced her sleeve. "It's just… agh," She shut her eyes and placed a thumb and forefinger over them. "You know how it is with that whole gay club thing and stuff."

"Not really," Todd smiled honestly, "But I'll always listen."

Gaz looked down, a sad look slowly entering her eyes. "Thanks. But you know as well as I do that listening only does so much." She looked up at the sky, noting the darkening hue of the clouds and the silhouettes of birds flying through the air. "I think the only way someone can improve is if they start by trying to help themselves first." She sighed, "I just wish… I had just one person, just _one_ damn person to relate to. Someone who feels the same way I do…"

Todd nodded and looked down to Shmee. "Wouldn't we all?"

Another silence settled as the two became lost for a moment in their own thoughts.

"Well, well, well," The two jumped at the sound of this new, sneering, mean voice, "What do we have here?"

----------

BAM!

You knows it rules out loud like a METALLICA album (sept St Anger, which SUCKED).

The cut's thing, as in, the way people cut is something I think is true. You can tell a person and there problems by the pattern of how they self-harm.

SOoooOOOoooo, how does peeps like the interaction between Gaz and Squee? I always thought they'd get along well, I'm not sure WHY, but I always thought they would…

Erm… so yes. Todd is IN the scene and owning souls with his awesome.

Next chapter is VERY important in the whole development of things. So yea, it's gonna own.

R&R, because you read the whole thing, so you know… might was well review now, right?


	9. The Key To Completeness

WELLS!

Another chapter is here, like… here! It's so here it's almost THERE, but it's not, it's here…

Yea…

Anyways, BIG chapter importance here. LOTS OF IMPORTANCE! So much importance that it almost HURTS.

And in a way it does because I HATE this chapter, it's just NOT good enough. But I'm posting anyway because even after extensive editing and re-working, this is about as good as I'm gonna get it.

So. Yes. I'll explain summore about why this is important (aside from the obvious) at the bottom.

For now, enjoy and remember, I own nothing so no suing!

----------

Both teens turned their heads to see five people standing down the street from them, four of them boys, one of them a girl. The one leading them was a tall, thin boy who looked around Dib's age. The ones behind him looked like they'd all taken gym class and had taken a football to the face one too many times, the ugliest being the one girl who was hanging onto the arm of the gangs leader.

They all dressed in obviously second hand trendy clothes, rejects from the 'in' crowd.

Gaz was immediately on her feet while Todd slowly stood up; gripping his teddy bear tightly, fear infecting his eyes.

"An emo and his girlfriend, how nice," The leader of the group chuckled venomously as they walked confidently towards the two.

Gaz's eyes narrowed and a growl entered her voice. "Get lost."

"Give us your backpacks and we will." The girl's voice sounded like she'd smoked way too much.

"If you don't fuck off right now, I swear you'll regret it for the rest of your life." Gaz was slowly reaching into her backpack, if she could get her tazer than she could fight them off.

However, she suddenly felt her backpack pull hard and the group in front of her laugh loudly as she grunted and fell backwards. Todd yelped and jumped, gripping Shmee even tighter, shaking in fear.

Gaz sprung up only see a black teen, one who dressed like the others, laugh and throw her backpack over her head to the leader of the group. The distraction had given the gang the chance to surround the two teens, and Gaz realised that despite their ugliness, there was at least some smarts in their skulls if they'd managed to sneak up on her.

She watched with well disguised panic as the leader opened her back and started throwing things out, eventually reaching her tazer.

"Wow," The leader looked shocked, then turned the tazer on, a sadistic grin growing on his face, "We'll have some fun with you won't we?"

'_FUCK!'_ "Touch me and die." Gaz was doing well to hide her fear, but she knew it was unlikely they would escape a beating; she only wished that Todd would stop whimpering like a child, however she knew he couldn't help it.

The group began to close in, and Gaz couldn't stop her stomach from suddenly being hit by a thunderbolt of sick fear. Her poker face must have dropped, because the group began to laugh maliciously, like hyenas before they pounce on some helpless prey.

The group suddenly stopped as the clouds above finally broke and the hammering of millions of tiny raindrops fell onto the world, quickly increasing until everyone was becoming utterly drenched.

This didn't seem to affect the gang, only making the leader grin more and he looked to the tazer. "Don't these things work better in the rain or summit?"

For a second, Gaz wondered if her Gameslave and other electronics would be rendered useless in the rain, but her mind quickly went back to more pressing matters.

"Gaz," Todd's whisper somehow reached her though the rain and the panic as the laughing gang got closer, the leader charging the tazer dangerously.

"Yea," Gaz was now clenching her fists together tightly. If they were going to get assaulted, then she'd at least put up some kind of a fight, even if her muscles were freezing from the rain and the fear.

"Close your eyes." Todd's answer caused the girl to look at the teen next to her with a curious frown. Todd looked into her eyes, his expression fearful, but a strange sort of calm residing in his gaze. "You might not like what's about to happen."

"Wha-"

"SQUEE! WATCH OUT!" The shout ripped through the air, and before Gaz could even wonder what the hell was going on, Todd jumped onto her, tackling her to the ground with a painful grunt. Even as Gaz yelled for him to get off, she noticed Todd's eyes were screwed tight and his teeth gritted together.

Gaz briefly considering hitting Todd, but then she noticed that the air had filled with screams and someone shouting, "YOU DARE HURT SQUEE!" at the top of his voice.

The water on the ground seemed to take on a reddish hue, something the teenage girl recognised as blood. A new sort of fear gripped her, one not of being hurt, but of being killed.

She looked up to see some dark figure, his face unidentifiable past the draw up hood of his hoodie, he seemed thin, more so even then Todd, and he was wearing black pants, large clipped boots with metal hooves. He seemed to be taller then the two teenagers, however, one could tell that even for his adult age he was shorter then average.

Her eyes moved from the being too see two bodies lying on top of one another. The leader of the gang and his girlfriend, the others seem to have fled into the cover of the rain.

Gaz froze at the sight of the bodies.

"Squee?"

Whoever it was addressing them seemed to have kicked started something inside Gaz, and she immediately began franticly trying to get away and throw Todd off her, trying to hold back a scream. Gaz had seen a lot, but she'd never seen a dead body so… up close before. She'd seen insane megalomaniac aliens try to destroy earth, she'd seen terrifying piggy demons, she'd seen the horrible creations of Zim's lab set loose on the world, but when confronted with death so blatantly, her toughness shattered and was only replaced by a deep rooted fear for her own survival.

Todd let go, and Gaz scrambled to her feet, looking around in wide eyed panic for the maniac who'd saved them.

"Gaz?" Todd's words began to sink in to the panicking teenager, "Gaz? Are you ok?"

"FUCK! Someone's just been KILLED in front of us!" The words didn't seem to have been properly spoken, and they came out rather high pitched.

"Gaz, calm down ok?" Todd stretched out a hand towards her, but Gaz recoiled back.

However, she bumped into someone, and turning around she saw the softly smiling face of an extremely gaunt faced man with sickly, ill looking Mexican skin and very dark eyes. His dark blue hair was plastered to his forehead, slightly covering a scar above his left eye. Gaz gasped as she looked to his chest and realised that the man was covered in blood. "Hey, calm down will you, you're not in any danger."

She almost fell over trying to back away, only to feel Todd's hands grip her shoulders to steady her. She looked to the younger teens face to see him smile wearily. "Gaz, this is my protection, meet Johnny C."

She looked back to the murderer who bowed. "Any friend of Squee's is a friend of mine." He straightened up, "Call me Nny."

"You just murdered those people!" Gaz screamed to the man.

He shrugged. "So?"

Todd looked to the man with a slight, but cautious frown. "Nny? Remember not everyone's like you and me."

"Alright, alright," The man rolled his eyes before looked back to Gaz. "Sorry if I scared you, but you looked like you needed some help."

Gaz was still shaking, "Help? Yes. Killing? No!"

"Don't worry," Nny chuckled, "It's not like we're going to get caught. I never get caught."

"Look, Nny, I think Gaz could use a lift home right about now." Todd's grip on Gaz's shoulders tightened in an odd, comforting way. Gaz was taking in deep breaths, trying to steady herself and stop herself from throwing up.

The man looked to the two, than nodded. "Alright then, wait here."

He turned and disappeared into the pounding rain, running off down the road. Gaz watched with wide eyes, still frozen to the spot.

"Here." She snapped around as she realised Todd had let go of her shoulders and was now holding her backpack out to her. "I think your Gameslave might be broken…"

"I can get a new one." Gaz took the backpack from him, looked down and then looked back up again. "What. The. Fucking. Hell?"

"That's my neighbour." Todd assured in a calm voice, "He's an insane murderer, but don't worry, he won't kill us."

"How the fuck do you know that?!" Gaz growled out to him, now her fear was going and a rage was setting in. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me before?!"

"Because this is how you would have reacted," Todd explained quickly, a hint of panic in his voice at the face of this furious girl, "And I never expected this to happen!"

Gaz took a shuddering breath and closed her eyes. "Alright then… you swear he won't hurt me?"

"I promise." Todd guaranteed with a small smile. "He might be a bit weird, and violent, but he's a good person at heart, he's just a little…" Todd looked away as he searched for the right words before looking back, "Badly wired."

The two turned as the sound of a car screeching around the corner drew their attention. Nny's car was a tattered looking thing, old and rusty, Gaz wondered how it even ran at all.

The murderer pulled up in front of them and leaned over the front passenger seat to take off the lock and open the door. He smiled, "Get in."

The two both got into the backseats of the car and Nny rolled his eyes, shutting the passenger door with a slam. The sound of rain hammering onto the car was all around them, vibrating through the thin metal, sounding like a thousand horses running at once. The heavenly water blurred all the windows onto the outside, making the world around them vanish in a sea of rain.

The seat of the car was lumpy and worn down, but the inside of the car itself was warm and welcoming from the outside cold of the rain. Gaz noticed for the first time just how soaked wet through she really was, and wondered if she'd get a cold from being outside in the rain for so long.

Nny asked where she lived and Gaz gave a fake address, a house at the end of her street. She didn't want the murderer knowing where she lived.

Nny drove fast, making the rain move almost horizontal across the glass windows, causing the view to become even more blurred, like the world itself was melting away, being washed and cleaned by the heavy downpour.

The sound of the front winder wipers was heard, screeching slightly across the glass in a rhythmic, repetitive motion. Exactly the same sound at exactly the same time, over and over again in its pathetic battle to try and keep the water from falling across the drivers view.

"So," Nny asked, his eyes flicking up to look at Gaz in his rear-view mirror. "How do you know Squee?"

Gaz raised an eyebrow at the name and turned to Todd, who just shook his head and mouthed 'ignore it'. She looked back to the driver. "Erm… we met on the internet."

"Internet?" Nny frowned. "What do you mean?"

Todd looked to the girl. "Do you mind if I tell him? He won't tell anyone else…"

Gaz shrugged, she'd seen enough today to stop caring who knew about her harming. "Alright."

Todd looked back to Nny. "We met on a self-harm site."

"Aww, Squee, you don't still do that do you?" Johnny shook his head, clearly disappointed at the teenager, "It's not good."

"Oh," Todd replied in a very un-Todd like way, surprising Gaz slightly, "And killing is?"

"Touché." Nny nodded. His eyes flicked back to Gaz. "I know Todd's excuse," the teenage boy frowned, "What's yours?"

"I…" Gaz wondered for a second if she should trust him, but she reminded herself that this man had just murdered two people to save her and Todd's life, so it probably wouldn't matter if he knew. "I can't feel love."

"What do you mean?" Nny asked, a real interest in his voice, "Like, you don't feel attracted to people or whatever?"

"Yea," Gaz looked down, "I've never been in love, never wanted sex, nothing."

"Oh," Nny blinked, "So you're asexual then?"

At that moment, the world seemed to have slowed down; even the pounding rain that chattered and skipped on the windows of the car seemed to quieten. Something inside Gaz suddenly seemed to stop hurting, some hole was filled.

"Excuse me?" She couldn't remember telling her mouth to form the words.

"You don't get attracted to people, you don't want sex, you don't feel love very strongly." Nny looked at her like he expected her to know about this in the first place. "You're asexual, right? Like me."

"I… I…" Gaz couldn't talk. Some great huge balloon had inflated in her. This was it. This was the answer that she'd been looking for, this one word; this one explanation had set her free. All that pain, that depression, that feeling of being broken had vanished.

"Gaz? Are you ok?" She turned to see Todd looking at her with a worried frown.

Gaz had never been good at emotion. Ever. So even though she wanted to grin, to scream out in joy, she didn't. Only a wide smile managed to crawl its way onto her face, however, the joy was all contained within her narrow amber eyes, which suddenly seem to become brighter.

Nny chuckled. "Why do I get the feeling I've actually helped someone for once?"

"You… have no idea…" She was shaking from joy. Asexual! The word seemed to scream over and over in her head like some glorious beacon. Her life was finally starting to get in order, she could start being herself again and she could stop self-harming. This word was the key she needed! The sword that would slice away her demons! Suddenly, her whole world seemed brighter, better, she felt… complete. It was a feeling she vowed she'd never take advantage of ever again.

"When, what, how…" Gaz may have been unable to physically express her elation, but it was still able to affect her speech. She took a deep breath and tried to steady herself, but she couldn't stop that smile from sticking to her lips. "When did you know you were… asexual?" The word sounded like some key, some password to the answer of confusion, the magic word needed to destroy it all.

He frowned in thought as he turned a corner, admittedly rather sharply causing the teens in the back to grab the seat or whatever else they could to steady themselves. "Ok," Johnny started as they straightened up again, "Well, I suppose I've always known. I always found the idea of sex with people disgusting. Humans in general are disgusting filthy things that can't stop spewing out filth." He smirked then got back onto the subject. "No one ever seemed attractive to me in any way, at least not physically. I never had an ideal person in my mind…" He shrugged, "I just always figured I didn't like people and that was that."

Gaz's eyes widened, there really were others like her out there. This man may have just murdered two people to save her life, but he was still the first person Gaz felt had truly been in her position. "Tell me more," The teenager pressed on, "What about dates or love?"

Johnny suddenly stiffened. "I, well, I have been with some people… but lets say it never got _that_ far. I never wanted to, I just enjoyed being around them." He scowled, "At least until the shit began to appear in them."

"Erm, what about dreams?" Todd questioned, seemingly interested in the subject himself, but also obviously wanting to shift the subject away from 'the shit in people', "Surely you have, you know, fantasies or whatever…"

Nny laughed. "Sure, everyone does, that's normal. But just because you have the odd dream once in a while doesn't mean you find anyone attractive! Shit," he grinned, "You have dreams about murdering people and that doesn't make you a murderer does it?" He snickered slightly, "Well in my case it does, but I'm hardly a common occurrence."

Gaz felt like she should be jumping around in joy, maybe even crying. All her torment, all her questions, everything that had been twisting and fighting and tearing her apart from the inside was finally being answered. It was one of those moments where she assumed she would always remember.

Gaz looked down as she finally got to her final question, her nervousness reflecting in the way she talked. "What about love?"

"What about love?" Nny countered quickly.

"Have you… ever been in love?" Gaz bit her lip; this could be it, her ultimate dilemma answered.

Nny shook his head. "No."

The joy that was inside her didn't vanish, it exploded, but painfully. Like someone had suddenly punched her in the stomach and all the shrapnel dug into her heart, crushing it. "Wha… what?"

"I've never been in love." Nny shrugged like it was nothing, "I've been close I suppose, but love… nope."

"So it's true, I can't feel love…" Gaz could feel that horribly familiar feeling of creeping icy depression on her again. It was like whatever demon it was that controlled the feelings of sadness had only been tempting her with happiness and was now springing his trap, flinging her back into the black void of her own coldness.

"I never said that," Johnny replied quickly, "I know of other asexual's that have been in love." His voice had an obviously hidden sadness to it, as if he was remembering someone else who'd walked away from him.

Gaz's head immediately shot up, that balloon was inflating again, but Gaz was cautious, she wasn't going to let that demon trick her again. "What do you mean? If you're in love you're going to have sex eventually, that's what being in love is all about, liking someone enough to fuck them."

Nny almost served at Gaz's answer before he straightened himself out again. "I've no idea where you got that idea, but it's most defiantly not true. Love doesn't equal sex, that's what all those commercials and movies want you to believe, but it's not true."

"Although you can see where she got the idea, Nny." Todd quipped again, "Society had me fooled for a while."

"An advert can't tell you how to feel something." Johnny mused slowly. "Love is something no one can tell you how to feel; it's individual to each person."

Gaz slowly nodded, more to herself then anyone else. "So… I might feel love one day?"

"In your own way, yea," Nny nodded, and Gaz noticed they were driving past familiar buildings. "Just because you've never felt love doesn't make you any _less_ of a person, just as it doesn't make someone who's been in love any _more_ of a person."

The rain seemed to have stopped. The hail of rain had turned only into the feeble pitter-patter of the last few remaining drops falling from the heavens above. Gaz could see out the window again, the world seemed brighter then usual, or perhaps it was just her.

The car stopped and Nny leaned on his seat, twisting his thin body around so he could look at the teen girl. "Well, this is your house."

"Wha?" Gaz shook her head, "Oh, yea, sure, thanks."

She opened the door, slamming a hand against it when it didn't open the first time. Placing one foot outside she looked to Nny. "Thanks for the ride."

"No problem," The maniac smiled.

She then turned to Todd. "Thanks… for the day."

"Thank you Gaz." Todd smiled back, his eyes lighting up slightly, "Wanna do it again next week?"

Gaz nodded. "Sure."

She then stepped completely out the car and slammed the door behind her. The world around her was still drenched, but at least it wasn't raining. The skies above were beginning to clear and the sun was starting to blink through the white clouds. The smell of fresh rain was infectious, refreshing. Gaz felt like she was more awake somehow, like she'd been asleep for such a long time.

The car tore off down the street and Gaz waved until it was no longer in sight.

Looking at the world around her, Gaz felt a sense of… belonging. She no longer felt so distant from it all, but a part of the world.

It was all because of that wonderful little word that had eluded her for so long. _'Asexual. I am Gaz and I am an asexual.'_

----------

WOO!

And lo, your Platonic fix is… fixed.

SO! The thing of this chapter. ASMEXUAL! Gaz has finally found the answer she's been looking for. Is this the end? NO! I gots things still yet to cover!

The big point is the fact that it was Nny telling her about asexuality. You see, when I was still a wee youngster still wondering why the hell I was all 'Oh, people actually date?' kinda stuff, I started looking towards the things I had for an answer.

One of those things was my collection of Invader Zim episodes downloaded onto my PC (I got rid of them when I got a laptop).

I searched the name and eventually came up with the lord Jhonen Vasquez. I saw his 'Johnny the Homicidal Maniac' comics.

Thinking they looked cool, I read em.

AGH! MY GOD! I'd never been able to relate to anyone as much I could relate to Nny. Seriously, reading book 4 of the JTHM series was like someone explaining my feelings to me, especially the part where Nny says how he detests all that sex stuff and hates being touched (I myself have an OCD about scratching at any skin contact).

So yes, Nny was the first time I could ever relate to anyone on the bases of their sexuality. JTHM saved my life, it really did. I have no doubt if I'd never found it I'd still be thinking I was some strange reject of life because I didn't have a sex drive or found anyone attractive.

Also, the whole 'oh, you're asexual' thing was something that happened to me. Just a normal lunch break with people talking about who's dating who and someone says to me 'how come you aint got a girlfriend' and a friend answered for me, joking, saying 'He's asexual.'

Of course I started using the word to describe myself and, after a wikipedia search, discovered I wasn't alone bla bla bla.

So, in all, I love the message but hate the writing job.

R&R my wonderful reviewer-peeps!


	10. Highs and Lows and Daytime TalkShows

WOOOOP!

Another update for ya'll yo.

This one is like, cool man. Cool… yea…

Erm… well, the 'talk show' on this contains quite a few little things that I'll point out here.

One is that it's based on a real talk show video I whatched on AVEN (Asexuality visibility network dot org) where this woman, who's name I'm not gonna mention, basicly set out to become the anti-christ of all asexuals out there.

I've seen 3 different news reports with her badmouthing and hating us. It's really pathetic to see how she can't accept us for who we are.

I have the feeling she's anti-gay too…

Erm, the people in the interview are kinda twisted versions of real people who I noticed pop up a lot on the videos on AVEN.

I mean no offence to anyone. I only base my characters on these people and in no way attempt to say they represent them or anyone else in any way at all.

Anyways, on with the fic.

----------

Gaz ran down the street, which was odd as Gaz rarely _ran_ for anything. She slammed against her front door, almost scrambling with the lock, but once it was opened she shot through, slamming the door shut behind her.

No one was in, good. Gaz had a fleeting thought about the embarrassment of being caught in such a manic, unfamiliar mood.

She ran up the stairs, taking two at a time in her expressionless joy. The moment she burst into her room she threw her bag, despite its contents, onto her bed. Right now, she didn't care if her beloved Gameslave or phone or anything in that bag was broken or not, she had the key, the password to all the answers she'd ever wanted, and now she was about to get them, so finally stab the demon of her confusion through the heart and rid herself of him forever.

The laptop seemed to load far too slowly today. Same with her search engine. Or maybe it was just her own burning anticipation making everything else see far too slow for her.

Typing the word into the search engine opened up a universe of sites waiting to inform Gaz all about her newfound sexuality. Sites with reports, interviews, even web blogs and uploaded videos.

Gaz's eyes widened as, after she loaded up one web page, she was greeted with the picture of a large inverted triangle with a gradual fade from white to black. Underneath this sign it simply read 'Welcome to the Asexual Network'.

At that moment, Gaz knew she was no longer alone.

Not any more.

Reading through the site made her feel, well, good. They felt like someone had finally clicked and got it, like it'd been there all along and now she was finally right where she belonged, amongst others of her own kind, where it was ok to say 'Sex doesn't interest me'.

It was three in morning when Gaz finally turned her laptop off.

She sighed, and again, that small smile appeared on her face. That night she slept without worry of having any strange dreams, and for the first night in a long time her dreams were empty of anything to do with Zim or Todd or anyone.

As she walked through the halls of her school next Monday Gaz didn't feel like a defective or like she was some kind of cold heartless being. She felt different yes, but in a good way, in a way that she knew she was still a human. In some ways she even felt superior to all those morons who pawed all over each other, bowing to the whims of their hearts and loins.

She was free. Free to think beyond the idea of sex just for sex, free from being convinced that getting laid was the number one priority in life.

She began to draw the asexual symbol on almost everything she had; she'd even managed to draw one on the back of her Gameslave using a permanent marker. Gaz entertained herself with thoughts that she was sending out some kind of secret code, a signal that only other asexuals would be able to understand, like she was part of some very special secret society.

She'd realised, while walking past Keef in a corridor one day, why he was so… fanatic about showing off his leanings. Being asexual, truly knowing how you feel about yourself and the people around you, was something so… enlightening, something that made you feel so happy that you felt like grabbing people in the street and shaking them while screaming your sexuality into their face until they finally give you a worried pat on the back, a nervous smile and say "Good for you."

Of course, Gaz wasn't about to go doing that. She wasn't the type of person to go forming parades or raising petitions or arranging 'tolerance weeks' to raise awareness of the 'minorities' in the school all because of about five hundred students, five or six jocks beat someone up on the bases of how they feel.

People like that will always exist, no matter how many tolerance weeks you have. The important thing was that the rest of the student body was more understanding.

It wouldn't matter anyway. They didn't teach you about asexuality in sex ed, so everyone either thought you were a loner or just not trying hard enough. That didn't bother Gaz, she didn't care what they thought. As long as she knew within herself then she was content.

But than again, even Gaz had to admit asexuals like herself were few and far between. That was even evident on the web sites, with people coming from all over America, even a good few from England and Europe; all claiming they were one of kind in whatever town or area they lived in.

However, there was a theory that floated about the site. A theory that stated the only reason there were so few asexuals, wasn't because their sexuality type was rare. It was because people simply didn't know asexuality was a valid and acceptable choice of sexuality.

Gaz couldn't help but agree with this. Sex was so forced down peoples throats in the moderns world that one is raised thinking that sex is the ultimate goal in life. No matter what happens to you, if you have sex, then you're ok.

Those that don't have sex are labelled either as losers, mentally ill or repressing some form of homosexuality. Society demands sex, almost at any cost.

The pressures of a hyper-sexualised world vs. the natural feelings of asexuality had led Gaz down a path of depression and self harm. She was a living example of what the constant demands of society could do to someone who simply didn't feel the way they were told to.

Walking down the hallways of her high school, Gaz wondered if gay people had felt the same, not being able to relate or behave in the way society told them they should. However, some part of Gaz said that they, especially in the modern age, had it far easier then asexuals did.

Gay support and pride was everywhere, if you were gay there was a million and one places you could go to. Even if in America homosexuals were still a hot topic for society to deal with, the society as a whole was accepting and tolerant of them.

However, compared with being asexual, there was literally no mention of them anywhere.

Only now was the quickly growing asexual community, united by that blessing of the internet, were finally being recognised and talked about by scientists and psychologists and even with the odd news report on TV. But this was still small-time compared to the massive amount of focus on other sexuality types.

She felt like it was a selfish conclusion, but dealing with being asexual was most probably a hell of a lot harder then dealing with being gay.

It was on that Monday night Gaz sat watching TV, tired, for once, of playing her new 'Vampire: The Biting' game on her X-Station 900.

Right now she was just flicking though channels, one by one, trying to find something good to watch.

Her head turned slightly as Dib walked into the room, coming in through the kitchen. He was looking down at a camera in his hands and turning it over, occasionally smacking it on the side like it was some naughty child.

A scowl on the teenagers face told Gaz that the camera was broken, and the cut on his lip told her that he'd been fighting with Zim again.

"Damn stupid gay camera…" Dib sighed and shook his head as he dropped onto a chair and tossed his camera lightly onto the coffee table. "Zim broke it."

Gaz didn't care, or even remember asking, but than again Dib never needed anyone to ask him a question to start answering them.

"I mean, damn. I think I'm cursed or something you know?" Gaz's eyes narrowed in annoyance as her brother's voice cut over the sound of the TV. "I mean six years! Six years Gaz! And ALL my cameras break!" He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, amazed at himself. "Jeeze, I'm just glad dad has such a great job or I'd never be able to afford them all."

"Dib?" Gaz turned her head towards her brother. "Shut. Up."

Dib looked down, realising he'd been talking to himself again. "Sorry…"

Gaz turned back to the TV; she was now flicking through the list of talk-show channels. Gaz's eyes narrowed, she despised talk shows.

However, as she flicked along, one little word reached her ears.

"Asexuals."

She instantly stopped her channel surfing and her eyes widened at the screen.

It was a daytime talk show known as 'The Dr Feto' show. The hostess looked different from other talk show hosts as by the look on her face she just wanted to get away from the majority of slack-jawed morons that made up her audience.

She was a thirty-something looking woman with shoulder-length, curly dark brown hair, dull blue eyes and a shapely body. She was wearing a smart white shirt and a pencil black knee-length skirt with some small black shoes. It looked like she had some stockings on as well as a pair of yellow earrings and some light makeup.

She held a clipboard in one hand, which was crossed across her middle, and a microphone in the other.

She was looking at her guests on the show, who were sitting on comfy looking yellow leather chairs, all positioned in a line on the stage of the show.

She seemed to have spoken into the mic, and was continuing her intro to the show. "In today's society, sex is everywhere. But are America, and the world, obsessed with sex? Today we have on guests who claim to have no sexual desire towards anyone and a couple who say they're happy in a sexless relationship. They call themselves asexuals and we have them on the show today to explain their position."

Gaz's eyes widened as the camera panned over the couple and the other asexual guest, their names popping up on a small bar beneath them with a small explanation of who each person was. The names, May, Johann and Mike came up and Gaz immediately recognised them as people who regularly posted articles from the biggest asexual community site.

"Heh, wow, I can't believe people like that exist," Dib's comment floated over to Gaz, who immediately snapped her head to him. He didn't see it though, as his head was turned towards the screen. "I mean, how can someone _not_ have a sex drive?"

A sudden part of Gaz wanted her to scream at him for that comment, but she decided to keep quiet and continue to watch the show.

"We also have a sexpert, Laura, to give us her opinion." The hostess gave a look like she didn't actually like the sexpert very much.

"Ok, well, lets start with you Mike," The camera focused in on a twenty-something looking man with short black hair and green eyes. He had a thin build was wearing a smart black top and pants with a white shirt and black shoes. "I understand you started your asexuality site because you found there was no other site for," and she paused, choosing the right words, "Asexuality types like you?"

"That's right," He replied and leaned back in his chair and crossing one leg loosely across the other, "You know how when you're about fourteen all your friends suddenly go insane over the opposite sex? Well I saw this happening and I… just had no idea what they found so fascinating. It wasn't until I was about sixteen, seventeen that I began using the word 'asexual' to describe myself, but I found that, you know, _no one_ was talking about this. So, I thought if I set up a website explaining my feelings then maybe, you know, I'd get a few other people coming to share their experiences or something."

"And so," Feto quietly interrupted, "You set up Asexuality Awareness dot Org, right?"

He nodded, "That's right. And I only expected just a few people to appear but, you know, I had like, three thousands hits within the first month and people joining left and right you know? I mean, I had no idea how many people were like me out there."

Gaz couldn't help a tiny smile twitch at the side of her mouth. However, to make sure Dib didn't notice, she quickly leaned back and covered her mouth with a few fingers, making it look like she was silently paying attention.

For some reason, she didn't want Dib to know about her preference, not just yet. She wanted to see his reaction to the show, then she'd know what kind of opinion Dib had of people like her.

So far it didn't look good, he was watching with a small smile, like he found the whole thing amusing.

"So, you've never had sex?" Feto was walking around in the space between the audience and the guests, the camera sometimes moving from following her to looking to the speaking guest.

"Nope, I've never wanted to." Mike smiled as Feto nodded.

"And, I'm saying this to annoy you or anything," Feto stopped, "You've never thought that maybe if you _did_ have sex then you'd… gain a sex drive?"

Mike went to answer, but the woman known as May butted in, "Me and Johann have had sex, but only once. And that didn't affect us in any way." The woman, May, was clearly of an Asian decent and had long black silky hair and green eyes. She was wearing a longed sleeve patterned top and a pair of blue jeans with high heels.

"Yea," Johann commented, "I mean, I'm happier just being with May, just being around her and hugging and kissing her. The idea of anything past that never actually enters my mind." Johann had blond hair and blue eyes, and spoke with a light German accent. He was wearing a white t-shirt, which showed of his slightly muscled form and a pair of black pants with boots.

"Alright," Feto nodded slowly.

"Well," the cry was small, from a member of the audience. Feto quickly walked up the stairs to present the audience member with her mic, "Have you ever wondered if you're gay?"

Mike laughed. "Actually yes, that was one of my initial thoughts. But let's say a little experimentation told me I wasn't gay."

There was a small ripple of laugher from the audience.

Feto frowned in thought at Mike. "Well… and, you know, I've got to bring this up because of the nature of the show and in the interest of the viewers, but have you ever thought about whether it's just low hormones or a mental problem?"

Johann leaned forward. "There is no evidence, and members of the asex community have tested this out, that any low hormones or anything lead people to being asexual."

"And, you know," Mike commented quickly, "I think that if you suddenly wake up one day without a sex drive then you should defiantly see a doctor, I mean, it's not that common, or even healthy, for anyone to have such a sudden change in sexuality like that."

"But what you're saying is, that you've felt this way all your lives, correct." Feto asked with a raised eyebrow. The bunch nodded and agreed. "Alright, well, I'm just saying this is hard for me to understand obviously," Feto smiled, "I mean, you know, it's like any sort of sexuality it has to be questioned and such, right?"

"We'd be worried if people weren't asking questions," May laughed lightly, "Because, you know, being asexual is something that, like any type of leaning, can be divided into its own sub-categories."

"Like…?" Feto asked quickly.

"Well there's aromatic asexuals, people who don't want any relationships, gay or bi asexuals," Mike rolled a hand, "You know, but the one thing that unites us all is a… not a dislike, but just a lack of interest in sex as a whole."

"And you're happy with the way you are?" Feto again crossed her arms across her chest.

The couple turned to one another and smiled. "Yes." And Gaz saw that they were holding each others hands.

"Sex for other people is fine," Mike said casually, "But for us… we just don't want it. Our lives don't include sex like other people's lives don't include alcohol or chocolate or anything like that. It's available for us, but we just don't want to try it because we find it unimportant to us."

"Wow," Gaz's eyes flicked to her brother, who was still watching with that small smile on his face, "That must feel weird, not liking anyone like that… crazy."

"That's stupid!" Gaz's attention was drawn back to the TV. The camera panned to the only guest who had yet to speak, Laura, the so-called sexpert.

The woman wore a red top and matching skirt and matching heels. She had shoulder length brown hair and looked like she'd been under the plastic surgeons knife a few times, making her look less youthful and more ugly looking. She had an average build and weight, and was looking like she'd been quite insulted.

"People need sex," She commented with a small sneer, "Your website has no actual proof of anything, no presentations of these 'tests' of yours."

"Now, now, Laura," Feto moved up onto the stage, obviously wanting to make sure the talk stayed clean. "Why would they want to lie about something like this?"

"Exactly," May said, directing her eyes towards Laura, "There's nothing wrong with us."

"Yes there is," Laura quickly cut back, moving to the edge of her chair to get a better view of May, "You're clearly depriving yourself of something important to every human."

"We're not being deprived of anything," Johann angrily replied back, "Just because we don't have sex doesn't mean we can't feel love." Gaz again let a small smile appeared on her face as Johann attacked again. "Love isn't defined by sex alone."

"But it is vitally important on bringing a relationship together!" The sexpert cried out, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "You can't have a deep and fulfilling relationship without sex! It's like the fireplace in a home; it's the centre of where your love stems from!"

The couple looked very, very insulted. May growled. "So you're saying we're not truly in love because we don't have sex all the time?"

Johann glared at the plastic-faced woman, "What kind of," the TV bleeped the next two words, "are you!? You insult a loving caring relationship that's lasted a hell of a lot longer then most others I know!"

"Don't blame me just because you're relationship is unfulfilling." Laura obviously though she was being clever.

She wasn't.

Johann was on his feet immediately, his hand curled into a fist, his German accent coming through stronger, "Du häßliches Weibchen!"

Immediately the bodyguards around the very edges of the stage moved in, but John stopped them with a hand and sat back down, his girlfriend casting sympathetic looks at him and hateful daggers at Laura.

"Whoa, let's calm down here people." Feto stepped up to the stage and held a hand towards Johann, wordlessly telling him to calm down. She then looked to Laura, "Alright, explain to us why you think that asexuality doesn't… isn't real."

Laura smiled smugly. "It's unhealthy, and clearly a form of repression or mental problems." She moved back in her seat, "If these people really are without sexual drives then they are clearly suffering from some kind of bad childhood experience."

"Whoa," Mike suddenly interrupted, "I grew up just fine, nothing bad ever happened to me as a kid."

"Then it's most likely your lack of sexual experiences as a teenager has effected you," The sexpert grinned, making her ugly plastic face look even more disturbing. "Clearly your libido has been unconsciously switched off by your own lack of real sexual experiences."

"You do realize what you're saying is complete bull." Mike mused and leaned back in his chair. "We never experienced any _drive_ in the first place, and you're talking to a couple who have had sex before and they admit it hasn't turned them 'normal'."

"Thanks because it's already too late for them!" Laura was practically thriving of her own rhetoric.

The camera suddenly turned as a hand was raised in the crowd and Feto jogged over to hand the mic to the audience member. "As a Christian, I believe what you're saying is a sin. God gave us sexual drives as a gift, and by not using it you're not a real human and not worshipping God to the full extent of his glory."

"So now you're saying we're not human?!" May was almost on her feet, "Asexuality was demanded for years by the church!"

"Only until you were married!" The Christian replied, "Then sex was ok!"

Feto turned to the asexuals, who had an odd mix of anger and offence on their faces. "You know, as far as I can see there's nothing wrong with you guys. I mean," she smiled slightly, "If that's how you feel then that's how you feel and the constitution of this country clearly states you're free to pursue anything that makes you happy. However," she walked back to the edge of the stage, "If you were offered something to change, would you?"

They all shook their heads, and Mike soundly replied, "Unless an aseuxal finds their lack of sexual drive distressing, than no, I don't think anyone would want to change."

"Of course you wouldn't!" Laura's, almost screech of an interruption, snapped the camera to her, "Because you don't know how great sex is! You've all got it into your minds that life without sex is ok, but you're really just denying yourself something vitally important to every human's existence!"

"Sex isn't important," Johann commented with an underlining anger, "Happiness is important. Being content with yourself is important. And if we happen to find happiness and contentment within ourselves without having sex, then why should we change?"

"Look," Laura glared at the German, "Maybe some of you are happy with yourselves being without sex, but many of you are self diagnosing yourself from a website, which means that people with underlining mental issues or problems can be lead to thinking they're asexual while really they're ignoring the main problem."

Mike quickly sat up. "We don't do that on our site. We don't say 'if you don't feel sexual attraction then you're automatically asexual'. We have an open discussion about these things because we really want our visitors to make sure they know themselves before labeling themselves asexual. That's the whole point of the site, to have an open discussion about this orientation that's had such little amount of coverage for so long."

"Ok, ok," Feto quickly cut in before any fights could break out, "So… what you're saying is," and she looked to Mike, "Each person should really get themselves checked or at least seriously think about themselves before labeling themselves asexual."

Mike nodded. "That's right. You should defiantly go check yourself out before truly deciding you're asexual."

This statement, although she didn't show it, hit Gaz hard. She'd simply rushed into thinking of herself as asexual, but what if she really wasn't? What if she did have some underlining problem that was waiting to be addressed?

The sudden realization of her struggle to properly form emotions came to her mind, and she felt that old sick feeling of confusion and confliction rising within her.

Her mind whispered the cure, but she didn't want to hear it. Gaz hadn't harmed herself, or even thought about harming herself in days. She was starting to hope she'd never have to again, she thought she'd found who she really was.

Fate, it seemed, was a cruel bitch when it wished to be.

"Well, that's all we have time for on this show," Feto smiled wearily to the camera, "I'd like to thank all our guests for appearing on today's segment. Tomorrow we talk with Sideos, Neep, Tika, Kaiser and Sirra about their views on mur-"

Gaz turned the TV off before Feto could finish, she wanted to escape to her room… to the comforting sting of her blade.

But before she could leave, she had to know what Dib thought.

"Well… those are some weird people…" The teen laughed to himself, and a part of Gaz hated him for it. However, he smiled, "But each to their own right?"

Gaz's eyes widened. "You don't think it's bad they don't have sex drives?"

"Not really," Dib shrugged, "I mean, if that's how they feel, right? It's like gay people or whatever. I might think it's a bit odd, but I'm not gonna stop them being themselves. After all," and he stood up from his chair, picking his broken camera back up, "I've had enough people tell me I'm weird over the years to appreciate what it's like to be hated." An odd knowing smile formed on his face and a small twinkle, possibly hope, entered his eyes, "But one day, I think they'll understand, you know?"

He turned and walked up the stairs. "For now I'm gonna try and fix this stupid camera."

----------

WOO!

Long chapter eh? I wanna mention that 'Sideos, Neep, Tika, Kaiser and Sirra' are all insane irkens from DA, 'Feto' herself is one of the irken therapists who tried to cure them. Tika belongs to her AWESOME Miss Ravenpuff (who drew awesomeage fanart of this fic!) and Kaiser belongs to the living personification of cool, Miss InvaderMari (who also helped with the german insult!).

Anyways, I don't think that 'gays have it easy' thing came across like I wanted it to. I do realize that some gay people have a terrible time with their families or whatever when they come out, and that IS something that will be mentioned in the fic.

I was referring more to being known and accepted as a whole… not on an individual level.

Anyways, yea. I love Dib here. He's the pure liquid smooth awesome. I tried to get his views to match the general views of most straight teenagers today, cos that's who he represents in this fic.

DIB IS THE YOUTH OF TODAY YO!

Anyways, R&R ma homies. Word to your mothers.


	11. Let The Sun Die, Embrace The Moon

WELL!

This week has been… an annoying one, mainly because my net keeps dipping out, and cos my net and my digital TV are run on the same cable, I aren't been able to watch digital TV either.

SO BORED WAS I. Seriously. Bored. Playing though every game on Sonic Mega collection bored.

I don't know when I'll update next due to the evils of my net connection right now… it might be another 5 days, it might be 2 weeks, I'm not sure.

Either way I'll do anything I can to keep it on a regular basis.

Anyways, this chapter is a cool chapter. Why? Cos it just is, that's why. It's the chapter where any ANGST on Gaz's half is really over. She finally gets to the point where she decides that she is who she is, and no amount of assholic talk-show people are gonna tell her otherwise.

So… yea, sit back and chill ma reader-peeps.

I owns no ones.

----------

Gaz waited until she heard his bedroom door close before swiftly getting up from the couch and walking, calmly yet quickly, to her room.

The moment she got inside she shut the door, and turned towards her bed, the blade was waiting for her on her bedside cabinet.

Gaz snatched up the blade and sat onto her bed, shaking. Her stomach felt ill and she could feel her heart beating in her brain.

In her hands, she held her blade, and she was pressing it against her arm. However, she had not yet cut the skin; it was simply taunting her pale skin, begging her to let it taste her blood.

She could feel all her clothes on her, and she could see the trembling motion of her fingers while she held the blade.

'_NO! GAZ! DON'T!'_ Her mind screamed to her, her common sense desperately warning her, _'Don't do this! You were doing so well! Don't go back to square one!'_

However, she wanted to cut. She knew what would happen, the beta endorphins would rush through her from the blood and pain, comforting her and letting her know that for now, her problems had been chased away with the red sacrifice.

A small, sad growl grew on her face, and her eyes narrowed. She thought she'd found the answer, she was so sure of it. For the few days since she'd been introduced to that magical word, asexual, she thought she'd finally realized who she was inside.

She'd been comfortable in her own skin for the first time in such a long time…

But now. Now the idea of being broken had return, and Gaz had been reminded at how truly horrible that feeling was, possibly even more so since she'd been on such a high.

She knew she'd find a temporary answer within the teeth of her blade… but she was so close… so close to being rid of the world of self-harm forever.

She didn't have to do this. She knew she should throw the blade away. Walk out of the room. Go for a walk if necessary.

'_Put. It. Down,'_ Gaz ordered within herself. _'Put it down. Now. Do it. PUT IT DOWN.'_

Gaz's hand snapped up, the indentation from her blade still showing on her skin. Her amber eyes flicked to the blade as she quickly slapped it down on her bedside cabinet. Immediately the call to pick it up and do the job properly arose within her, but she quickly forced it down, suppressing her own desire to cut to relive herself.

'_I don't need it.'_ She told herself, her eyes closing and sigh flowing from her, _'I can pick and choose it if I wish. I'm in charge of me and I choose to… go for a walk.'_

She stood up, almost robotically, and turned towards her bedroom door, throwing it open and marching out.

As she quickly moved down the stairs she heard Dib's door open and her brother call to her. "Hey! Where are you going!?"

Gaz didn't pause as she pulled her boots onto her feet. "Out."

"Where?" Dib's natural inquisitive nature was pushing through.

"Out." The girls repeated answer cause her brother to stop from where he was standing in the middle of the stairs.

The teenager hesitated; Dib had always been weary of prying into his sister's life. He'd long since learned that Gaz was a person who greatly valued their privacy, and fiercely protected it. However, he was her older brother and as much as he knew he'd get snapped at he still wanted to help.

In some way, he suspected that Gaz wanted him to try to help. Even though he knew she'd say no, she wanted him to show that he still cared, sometimes just showing you're there for someone, whether they want help or not, is the best kind of help.

Gaz threw the door open and went to step out, however, Dib had reached the bottom of the stairs. "Gaz! Wait! Tell me what's wrong!?"

"Nothing's wrong Dib," She didn't turn to look at him and she slowly began to close the door behind her. However, while it was mumbled, Dib could still pick out her closing message. "Nothing you can help me with anyway."

Gaz walked quickly, just in case Dib tried to catch up with her. She wasn't surprised when he didn't, she'd taught him enough not to try on fear of being hurt. Besides, she was right, Dib couldn't help her, this wasn't something his knowledge or supernatural expertise could aid her in.

She didn't know where he feet where taking her, she just watched them walk, step after step. Her hands tucked into her pockets and her eyes down, away from anyone else.

She didn't want to talk to anyone, or look at anyone, or even be bothered in any way. She just wanted to be alone with her thoughts, away from her blade and her brother and the people telling her she wasn't human on TV.

Her eyes narrowed as she walked. What if that doctor on TV was right? What if this was just some side effect from low hormones? What if she did only need to have sex once to kick-start her libido?

How could she know she didn't like something if she'd never tried it?

A sudden bird tweeting brought her gaze up, and she realized she had wandered into the local park. A few leaves blew across her as the wind picked up slightly; reminding her that summer was starting to reach an end.

Gaz frowned. Had the months really gone so fast? It seemed only a little while ago she was perfectly happy with herself. No scars, no confusion, before all this asexuality stuff…

She sighed and kicked a pebble that was lying on the gravely path which weaved through the grass park. A few bins popped up along the path, along with some old Victorian-styled streetlamps and some old wooden benches, their surfaces tarnished by the weather and age.

The sun was getting low in the sky, but it wasn't quite reaching it's full artistic beauty of it's setting. It only achieved in creating a dullish yellow glow that cast itself over everything, however, Gaz knew it'd soon burst into a final red explosion as the sun hit the layer of pollution generated by the nearby city before sinking behind the horizon.

Sitting down on one of the old creaky benches, Gaz held her head in her hands and closed her eyes. Just wanting to let go of all her emotions for a short while and bask in nothingness until she chose to go back and re-evaluate her orientation.

She wondered in silence, was she really asexual? Looking back over her life it certainly seemed so. Like how she always used the make-out scenes in movies to go get snacks, or when she'd found sex-ed to be a good time to complete homework while everyone else watched with, in her opinion, with a pointless amount of attention.

She realized, with little surprise, that she'd been rather ignorant of the opposite sex practically all her life. She'd never cared for developing relationships, she'd never wanted to; she'd always though of them as a bit pointless in all. She'd never felt any desire ever, she'd never felt any drive. But most importantly, she'd been happy. She'd be perfectly happy playing video games and watching old movies while the rest of her classmates began to drool all over each other. Up until a few months ago, she'd never even given a damn about finding love or 'getting some'.

"It's the scary Gazzy girly!" A high pitched squeaky voice cut through her thoughts.

Gaz's head snapped up, only to find that she was mere millimeters away from Gir's very smelly, very badly made doggy costume. It was a lime, almost radioactive green in colour, with black for the arms, legs and ears. It was so obviously fake that there was a stitch line running right up the suit and patches of the 'fur' were missing.

And for some odd reason, the smell of the thing only just decided to hit her.

"UGH!" She automatically recoiled backwards, pushing the robot-dog away from her, "Oh, GOD! What the hell have you been rolling in?!"

"GARBAGE!" Gir squealed and jumped into the seat next to her, his little stubby arms reaching out for a hug. Gaz moved as far away as possible, but the little robot only moved closer to her. It's large, almost unblinking eyes staring right at her. "Garbage is coooool…"

"Seriously, Gir, go away. Now." Gaz jumped off the bench and swiftly moved around it, so that there were at least some planks of wood between her and the insane, smelly dog-robot.

"GIR!" Gaz's eyes shot to her left as Zim came running into view, Gir's leash clenched tightly in one hand. Gaz quickly put two and two together and she smirked, "Gir escaped again?"

Zim looked at Gaz like he'd just noticed her and then quickly gathered himself. "No! He was just, erm, on a lone mission to… gather intelligence! Yes." He nodded, "That's exactly what he was doing."

"Yea, sure," Gaz crossed her arms, "Whatever you say Zim."

"MASTEH!" Gir jumped at Zim, launching himself onto the irkens chest and gripping him in a rib-crushing hug, "Master likes the hugs."

"MASTER HATES THE HUGS!" Zim tore Gir off him and growled at the small robot as it danced around him. "I command you to go do… something else!"

"OooOookay doky!" The little robot jumped up, spinning rather dramatically, landing a slightly kung-fu-esk pose then began to run around the park chasing birds and laughing. Zim quickly began brushing his clothes down as fast as he could, his intense fear of germs quickly taking over.

Gaz thought it was rather ironic that, for an invader who was meant to be trying to destroy the earth, the one thing he was truly scared of was the germs. He even took out a spray can, labelled with odd irken writing, and sprayed it onto himself where Gir had hugged him. Only after that did Zim finally sigh in relief and turn his eyes to Gaz. "Gaz-human. What are doing outside?"

"I can go outside if I want to Zim," Gaz growled back.

Zim however, let a small, but not mean smile appear on his face, "But you don't usually do you? So something must be important for you to leave your dwelling."

Gaz slowly walked back around the bench. "Whatever, it's nothing you would even care about anyway."

"So," Zim shrugged, "That doesn't mean Zim wouldn't listen."

Gaz frowned in interest at the irken. "What do you mean?"

"Well," Zim leaned back on the bench, looking up. "We talk all the time in the school-place, and while I know we don't care about each other, we still talk…"

Gaz couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the irken's statement. "Well, that's true I guess." She followed Zim's skyward stare and wondered if she should speak her next few words. "I… guess you could say we're friends."

Zim looked back to Gaz, frowning. "Friends? Zim needs no friends." However, before Gaz could retaliate, Zim quietly added, "But I accept the Gaz-humans offer of friendship."

Gaz looked to the irken with a raised eyebrow before slowly shaking her head; she supposed that was going to be the best she got out of Zim.

"So," Zim asked his eyes still on Gaz, "Why have you left your primitive domicile?"

"To think," Gaz replied, looking back up. "To just… think."

"About what?" Zim asked again, his voice full of an almost Dib-like inquisitiveness.

Gaz sighed and leaned forward, still not looking at the irken. "Not that you'd understand, but I'm unsure about myself… sexually." Gaz couldn't help feel weirded out; she never thought she'd have to say this to Zim of all people. "I'm unsure if I really am an asexual, as in someone who doesn't have a sex drive, or if I'm just ill in some way."

Zim was silent for a moment, causing Gaz to wonder what he was thinking, before he replied to her, slowly. "Gaz-human thinks she's asexual? Like an irken?"

Gaz's eyes shot to Zim, who seemed to be rather amused by the whole thing. "What? Are you saying… you're asexual?"

Zim nodded. "All warrior-caste irkens like me are created without the means to reproduce." He smiled, "Any desires like that would distract us from training and fighting."

Gaz frowned in interest, "Warrior-caste? Your society is divided by castes?"

Zim smiled and nodded again. "Indeed. Business-caste, medic-caste, science-caste… although, our glorious leaders are chosen by height no matter what caste they come from, that's pure tradition though."

"And, warrior-caste, like you," Gaz nodded towards Zim, "Are the only ones born without sex drives?"

Zim nodded again. "We're created without the ability, or need, to reproduce or mate in any way." He suddenly frowned, "Don't tell the Dib though he still doesn't know that yet."

Gaz's eyes widened. "Wow… So, you've never wanted sex? Ever?"

Zim shrugged, "Maybe, just once, just to see what all those other castes find so fascinating about it but otherwise it's never bothered me."

Gaz slowly smiled. "That's how I feel…" She looked down and then looked back up, "Can you… get yourself fixed?"

Zim frowned, which was odd considering he had no eyebrows, "What do you mean, fixed?"

"Like, you can…" Gaz searched for the proper words, "Take something or get some operation to get a sex drive?"

Zim looked away, his eyes widening slightly in wonder. "… I think so… Once an irken quits military service they can put in a request to develop proper means of reproduction…"

"And… would you?" Gaz couldn't help but ask, "Would you get fixed?"

Zim was silent for a moment, his eyes watching Gir continually head butt a tree. "No. No I don't think I will." He smiled slowly, "I'm already the best I can possibly be, which is obviously quite _amazing_, so any changes would only ruin a perfectly good thing."

Gaz smirked slightly and finally looked away from alien.

"What about you?" The question caught Gaz off guard.

"What?" She asked, turning back to Zim.

Zim's eyes lit up slightly, "Are you really happy being asexual? Would you change if you were given the chance?"

Gaz looked up, the sun was setting, finally bloodying the world in that glorious last burst of red, the toxic smog almost creating the effect that the day was strangling the last life out of the sun before it died and drowned below the horizon of skyscrapers.

The wind was getting colder, slightly stronger and with a bit more howl in its voice. The trees rattled, like the death choke of the sun itself.

"No." Gaz smiled as the night came over the two, "I wouldn't change. I'm happy being who I am. I know how I feel; I know what I want in life." Her smile grew slightly wider. "I'm asexual and proud, and no one is going to tell me otherwise."

Zim grinned. "I think that's the happiest I've seen you in… ever."

Gaz narrowed her gaze at the irken, but didn't drop her smile. "Har, har, asshole." She then stood up, letting out a tired sigh. "I guess I should be getting back home."

"HA!" Zim pointed at the girl, "I knew you couldn't stay outside for long!"

Gaz resisted the urge to shake her head at the moronic invader and turned on her heel. However, she stopped when she realised Zim was also getting up to follow her. Shivering slightly in the cold wind she watched as Zim had to run around to catch Gir, re-attach his leash, and began to drag the small robot away from all his 'squirrel friends'.

Gaz raised an eyebrow. "You're walking me home?"

"No," Zim quickly responded, "I'm walking the same way."

Gaz shook her head again, "Zim, do you know what a cliché is?"

"…A type of fish?" the irken shrugged back.

Gaz paused for a second, resisting the urge to smack some sense into the irken, before carrying on.

She didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything. It was better for them to walk in silence than talk about a stupid topic. She was sure Zim didn't mind, he had to devote all of his attention to making sure Gir didn't do anything too stupid that might 'get them noticed', which itself was a pointless task as the world was far to ignorant to even notice.

She quietly watched the irken as he shouted at Gir for 'bothering', for want of another word, the other dogs on the street.

How long had she known Zim now? Six years? Something like that. In some ways, Zim hadn't chanced a dolt, at least in his attitude. Sure, he was taller, more mature looking now, but he still had the mindset of a moronic alien invader. He still hated humans; he still wished for world domination, he was still fanatical about his empire. For a second, Gaz wondered if she should ask him whether he thought his leaders still cared about his mission but she decided against it.

She didn't care whether his mission was still on or not, it wasn't her business to ask anyway.

"So…" She looked up to the still darkening sky, "What do you think about Dib and Gretchen?"

Zim stuck out a tongue, "Icky. The things they do…"

Gaz frowned in interest at Zim. "Things they do? Like what?"

"Like all that kissing stuff!" Zim screwed up his face even more, "Whenever they go out it's all they ever do! It's _disgusting_!"

Gaz looked slightly disturbed at this information. "Why… would you even know what they do when they go out?"

"Well," Zim suddenly looked rather sheepish, "I… followed them once… for information."

"You spied on their date?" Gaz shook her head slowly. "If you didn't have a sex drive I'd say you were jealous."

"Zim? Jealous!?" The irken looked insulted. "Never! I was just interested as to what you _humans_ do on these _dates_ of yours."

"They're a couple Zim," Gaz looked up again, "What did you think they were gonna do?"

Zim paused, "I… hum… good point."

"You're a moron, did you know that?" Gaz chuckled.

There was a moment of silence before Zim suddenly looked to Gaz and, in an odd, low voice, asked, "Would you ever get a mate?"

"What part of 'asexual' do you not understand," Gaz replied without a moment of hesitation, her voice carrying a hint of anger.

"You might not be interested in those pathetic human mating rituals," Zim replied, a small smile forming on his face, "But you humans still enjoy pairing up." He faked some kind of intelligent look and rolled a hand, "You have 'emotional' needs or some such nonsense."

Gaz stopped walking and looked down, her eyes narrowed. "Maybe…" She chuckled slowly and looked up, a small sense of mischief dancing in her eyes. "Maybe we should go out, eh?"

Zim suddenly looked scared. "What?"

Gaz took a step towards the irken, who stepped back, "Come on, think about it!" Gaz's managed a small, evil smile. "We both hate humanity, we both get angry at Dib a lot, we're both asexuals."

Zim's eyes narrowed. "Have you the brain worms human? You're a human and I'm an irken, we're just too different, literally, we're different species for flirks sake."

Gaz shook her head. "I was joking Zim. I wouldn't go out with you even for all the games in the world."

"Yea, right," now it was Zim's turn to have an evil smile, "You just can't resist the _awesomeness_ of Zim!"

Gaz began to walk on again, putting her hands onto her pants pockets, "Yea, whatever Zim. In your dreams maybe."

"HA!" Zim quickly caught up with her, "Jokes on you human! Irkens don't sleep!"

Gaz looked unimpressed. "Oh, wow," the sarcasm was so heavy that only a moron couldn't tell, "Zim won for once, I am so defeated."

"VICTORY FOR ZIM!" The irken screeched and Gir, who had been running around in front of them diving into trash cans, suddenly opened his head and fired a poor display of confetti at Zim.

Gaz rolled her eyes, sometimes it really was amazing the amount of idiocy that Zim portrayed. She was now back at her house, so she turned and walked up the drive and towards her front door, being careful to avoid the electrified fencing that her father had placed along the edges of the pathway to 'keep those stray animals off the lawn'.

She turned and was somewhat surprised to see Zim still stood there, even if he was glaring at Gir who kept putting his hand onto the electrified fencing and shocking himself. The irken looked up, and Gaz was again surprised as the irken smiled. "See you tomorrow stick-beast!"

Gaz should have expected that Zim couldn't remain that out of character for long. She raised a hand up, "Yea, cya at school Zim."

Gaz watched as the irken snapped the leash back and literally dragged Gir off down the street.

She wondered, and was amazed at herself for it, if she should be serious about going out with Zim. They got on well enough, and Gaz did consider Zim something of a friend. But was that enough to ask him to go out with her?

They did have a few things in common, enough to allow them to talk a lot at their table at school. She thought on how they even managed to make jokes that they could both understand.

However, Gaz realised that this was the best way to be with the alien. Like he said, they were different species, but not just because they were human and irken. Zim was driven by completely different goals and ideas than herself. They were both caught up in two completely different worlds, their own. They were each too into themselves and too self-driven to begin to care for another.

While they could both get along well with each other, Gaz knew that trying to couple their worlds would only lead to a destruction of their friendship.

She smiled slightly. Zim was a good friend, if at times an annoying one, but he wouldn't be a good boyfriend.

And with that, she turned and went back into her house before it got too cold to stay outside any longer.

----------

So, there you have it.

The caste thing is something I think exists in the Irken Empire, but that thing about sex drives is just for this fic.

I also added that, oh so often ignored germophobia of Zim's, which I find to actually be a rather interesting and fun characteristic to write about.

Also, I think my point there about Gaz and Zim is true. While ZAGR is admittedly one of the few pairings I like to read about, I still think they make better friends then lovers.

Oddly enough this chapter doesn't have that much symbolism. Just that dying sun-to-night bit is like, Gaz's old anxious self finally dying and a new, more confident and proud-of-her-sexuality Gaz is born.

How touching, eh?

Anyways, R&R!


	12. True Minority

UPDATE!

Well, it's been a long week for me, what with exams and all, but they'll soon be over and I'll have all the time in the world (literally) to write about stuff.

So yea… woop for me.

Anyways, this chapter contains a little argument based of one I actually had with lesbian once, and also part of something I read about which I thought was absolutely brilliant when I read it.

Try and guess which was which…

Either way, I fully support Gaz's quote on the matter.

Also, as most have you have now realised, only about… 2 chapters are left in this fic. Sorry, but all good things must end sometime.

Either way; for now just sit back and enjoy.

P.S, I own nothing of this!

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The school hall was a vision of silence and emptiness, the clean polished floor, the natural light causing a slight glimmer on the floor and the shadows of clouds occasionally causing a slight darkness to obscure the hall. The dark green lockers stood on either side of the corridors, like guards, keeping a watchful eye on the stillness of the corridor. However, the peacefulness wasn't without its darkness. The pipes that ran along the ceiling, dodging around open pipe-lights and the grimy, dirty stains along the walls reflected the state of the school's pitiful funding.  
There was graffiti from where someone had sprayed a bunch of lockers, yet, no one had seemed to care and so the spray paint had stayed un-cleaned, permanently staining the dull green metal.

The smell of the natural air clashed with the unnatural smell of grime hiding behind floor cleaning liquids. It would almost be sickly if the windows above the lockers hadn't been open.

Suddenly, a shrill cry of a bell was sounded, and the ear splitting ringing causing the scene of tranquillity to almost become distorted in its peacefulness.

Then, every dirty brown door on the corridor opened, and the occupants of the school trampled out, their voices and footfalls creating a sense of life in the cold, serene corridor.

One of the many teenagers now filling out into the hall was Gaz. She was wearing a pair of baggy black pants with a chain and her favourite black and purple striped top with black t-shirt over it with 'Deathbook: Raito Is Justice ' written in classical white letters on the chest. Her boots clicked on the lino floor and her old backpack bounced lightly from where it hung low on her back.

As she walked over to her locker, itself marked with several game stickers and various little notes like "Zim, touch this locker and die," or, "Dib, touch this locker and die." Directly on the front of the locker was a large asex triangle, drawn with a black marker and painted in with wite-out.

She smiled at the sign and opened her locker up, putting her maths books away and picking up her chemistry notes. She also took a moment too look for any spare batteries, her Gameslave was running low, before picked up two of them from the top shelf of her locker and shutting it.

She turned, and paused.

Walking towards her through the crowd was Izzy, and by the looks of it, she was being bugged intensely by Keef. She was wearing a pair of blue, form fitting jeans and a plain white baseball top. On her wrist she had a rainbow wristband and on her shoes were a pair on sneakers. Across one shoulder she had a red backpack with a rainbow triangle stitched into one side and a 'Vicious Whisper' patch on the other. In one hand she held a half-empty bottle of 'Deep Black' cola, and it seemed she was trying to use it as a stress ball.

Keef was wearing a pink shirt with long red and black arm-warmers and a pair of black pants with a matching short pick dress. He was also wearing a pair of all-star shoes and heavy black, but green tinted eyeliner. Around his shoulder and at his waist was a pink satchel with lots of rainbow and pro-gay badges on it, as well as a few band patches.

"Come on!" Keef begged, actually pulling at the sleeve of her white blank top, "You're the _vice-fucking-president_ of the club!"

"No," Izzy turned on him and poked him in the chest, "I'm not going to no god-damn advertising event."

"It's not an advertising event!" Keef whined, "It's a civil rights protest!"

"It's being sponsored by Poop Cola!" Izzy growled, "It's an advert!"

Gaz frowned in interest; this was something she never thought she'd see. Gay people arguing over advertising at gay-right events, it wasn't exactly something she'd read about in the papers. She slowly began to walk over to the two, making sure to keep relatively unnoticed.

Keef waved a hand at the furious Izzy, "Oh so they say we've gotta put their logo on a few signs-"

"It's a god-damn banner!" Izzy raised her arms up in anger, "Its mascots and shit! We're not trying to get equality we're advertising the nicy-nice side of Poop Cola! People will walk off drinking cans instead of paying attention to our cause!"

"She's got a point," The two quickly turned to see Gaz standing behind them, "Equality shouldn't be achieved holding a coke can in your hand."

Izzy smiled. "Gaz! Just the person I wanted to see."

"There's no harm in letting a corporation help us out," Keef blatantly ignored Izzy's glaring that he'd interrupted her. Gaz couldn't help notice Keef seemed to have dropped that lisp, "It's a good thing! They're showing they're supportive of minority groups like us!"

Gaz narrowed her eyes. "Last election Poop Cola gave over a million dollars to the Republican Party and another two thousand dollars to President Marshal. Of course, more money was given to other smaller republican supporting groups as well, to get around the congress gift money laws." Gaz folded her arms and let a smug look appear on her face. "And now you're going to let them sponsor your protest? Smooth move, moron."

Izzy's eyes widened and Keef suddenly looked like someone had slapped him in the face, which is probably what Gaz had just done. There was a moment where Gaz could almost see the embarrassment being worked through Keef's whole system, before he looked down and mumbled. "Izzy wants to tell you something."

The girl turned to Gaz with a smile on her face. "Hey, you know how two weeks back when you were panicking about, you know," she looked around; the corridor was quickly emptying by now with people rushing off to who-knows-where, "The whole 'liking no-one' thing?"

Gaz raised and eyebrow slowly, "Yes…"

Izzy grinned. "Well I think I found something that you should know about. I was watching TV the other day and I saw this talk-show thing…" She took a short breath, "Have you ever heard of asexuality?"

For a second, Gaz felt like the world had dropped away behind her. Then, slowly she looked down, and a strange kind of choke escaped her.

Both Izzy and Keef had a sudden look of shock and sadness. Izzy even braved a hand on Gaz's shoulder. "Hey it's ok…" Then she realised that Gaz wasn't crying.

She was laughing.

Gaz wasn't used to laughing, so her laugher was more like a grinning, choking kind of laugher. Either way, both Izzy and Keef looked to each other as Gaz stumbled back a few paces, a scary looking grin on her face and her hair covering her eyes as she choke-laughed against the lockers.

Finally, after about a minute of this strange behaviour from Gaz, she looked up, a small smile still on her face. She looked like she was going to say something, then she shook her head and just pointed over to her locker. "Do you see that triangle?"

"Erm," Izzy looked to Keef, who looked completely mystified by the whole thing, before turning back and nodding, "Yea."

"That's the international sign of asexuality," An odd sparkle entered Gaz's eye, "But I found that out before I watched the Dr Feto show." Gaz could feel a rise of joy and pride inside her as she straightened herself up, "I've decided I'm asexual, and once more I'm proud of it."

Izzy took a moment to process the information, then smiled and held her arms out, obviously expecting a hug. "Hey that's great news! I'm so glad you found out what you are!"

Izzy might have looked a bit stupid with her arms held out to Gaz, who wasn't about to hug her, but Keef's sudden statement made her turn around and drop her arms. "What's an asexual?"

Gaz frowned at him. "I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone."

Keef smirked and crossed his arms. "That's impossible." A sudden cold atmosphere descended onto the three; however Keef seemed not to notice. "Everyone feels desire towards someone, it's natural."

Izzy growled at the boy, "Have some respect moron, if Gaz says she's asexual then that's what she is."

Keef shook his head. "I don't believe it. She's just going though a tough patch or something. You can't _not_ have a sex drive, you'd be all pent up and stuff, plus you'd be lonely all the time."

Gaz took a step towards Keef, one that seemed to echo darkly through the corridor. "Look, prick, asexuality is a valid and proper orientation. I can't help be asexual just like you obviously can help being a complete asshole." Keef was shaking in the face of Gaz's pure anger, and rightly so. Someone had blatantly insulted her on the basis of who she was, but this went deeper than if someone had insulted her on her dress code or music tastes, this was a defining feature of who she was, something that she'd been through a lot of pain to finally understand and accept. "I do not feel lonely, I do not get 'pent up', I am not going through a 'tough patch'." She slowly clenched a fist and Keef could swear that flames were dancing in Gaz's amber eyes. "I am asexual and I'm happy with that. If you ever try to insult my _personal_ feelings again I'll make sure you'll never be able to _breathe_ again. Understand?" Keef nodded twenty times in a second. "Now," Gaz narrowed her gaze slightly. "Fuck. Off."

Keef vanished down the hallway, almost falling over himself in the process. Gaz watched with a satisfied smirk. She realised that she'd taken another self-asserting test; she'd defended herself from a contradictory moron, even if that moron was expectedly meant to be on her side.

"Well…" Gaz turned to see Izzy standing with her arms wrapped around her middle, a small smile on her face. "You're defiantly a sexual minority now." Gaz raised an eyebrow and Izzy smiled wearily. "You're not a real sexual minority unless someone tells you you're not natural." Gaz chuckled quietly and Izzy looked down, still smiling. "Sorry, I've got a stupid sense of humour." However, she looked back up, "And sorry for Keef, he's a-"

"Moron, yes," Gaz turned to fully face Izzy. "Don't worry about it." She turned and began walking; she needed to get to her next class. Unsurprisingly Izzy began walking alongside her. Gaz sighed as Izzy took a drink of her Deep Black cola, "I'm sure I'm gonna have to deal with that kind of shit for the rest of my life now."

"Welcome to our world." Izzy laughed lightly. "It's sad but you kind of learn to deal with it after a while. Lucky for us modern gays though, the world is a more accepting of us."

Gaz frowned slightly, "I think it's going to be a bit harder for me on the social scale…" Izzy cocked her head in silent interest as Gaz continued, "People are always going to be telling me things like 'you have to find the right person' or 'you're gay and repressing it' or some such crap. I mean, you've got gay clubs and all sorts, it's going to be near impossible for me to find a relationship that wont being up the question of sex sooner or later."

Izzy raised a hand to her chin. "Hum… but at least you don't get a violent reaction from some people… not like us. We get attacked and slandered all the time. Shit, in some counties we get killed… it's a sad state of affairs for those not living in the western world."

Gaz shrugged. "I suppose… but you've got a much bigger community then asexuals, so most of you guys can at least contact someplace safe if your get hated by your family or something. Plus, like you said, the world is more accepting of you guys." She sighed, "People only read about asexuals when talking about single cell reproduction." Gaz suddenly shut her eyes in annoyance. "Oh god… I'm probably going to get called an amoeba or something all the time now."

"As opposed to being called a faggot or an AID's pixie?" Gaz's eyes widened and Izzy nodded. "Yea, I got called an AID's pixie once, it wasn't nice."

Gaz suddenly felt a pang of guilt for all the times she'd said called someone a 'faggot' in anger. Although she knew she didn't mean to insult gay people, now that she realised she too was a minority in the world, and thus, up for mocking also. She could relate to the little points hurt that one felt whenever hearing an insult like that, even if it wasn't used in hate, and she had no illusions that if she told someone she was asexual, it was likely she'd be poked fun at for it. She could stand being joked upon, as long as it didn't drag, but some people tend to take things too far and end up using insults like 'queer' or 'faggot' all the time.

She silently promised herself try and stop using strong gay bashing words as insults, even for online gaming, from now on.

Gaz looked forward again focusing back onto the subject, "Alright… but perhaps that's because you're still wider known then most of us guys. I mean, come on, let's admit it." Gaz turned back to Izzy, "We live in a world driven by sex. It's everywhere, and for asexuals it's a confusing world to live in." She looked down, "You end up thinking you're broken or heartless… I know I did. You don't have anyone to turn to either because we're so rare."

Izzy nodded slowly as she swallowed more of her drink. "I can see that… I can see why you guys have such a large internet base instead of, if you don't mind me saying, real world communities like we do. You guys are probably one to a town, one to a city maybe, so I'm glad to see you guys having a community, especially an online community.

"You checked out the Asexuality Awareness dot Org?" Gaz smiled slightly as Izzy nodded, "Wow… that's… cool of you."

"Thanks," Izzy shrugged and paused to throw her now empty bottle into a nearby bin, "You guys are really getting yourselves organised really quickly. You've got videos and multiple blogs and all sorts, it's really interesting."

Gaz shrugged, "I suppose since we're not sex-mad like the rest of the world, we have more time to make websites or write essays or articles and things."

The taller girl chuckled, "See, that's the kind of attitude to have. Being all up your own ass on your sexuality just makes you annoying, like Keef."

Gaz shuddered, "I guess assholes transcend things like orientation or whatever. Assholism can strike anyone, anywhere."

Izzy laughed and smiled, "That's so true it should be on a t-shirt."

"Hey," Gaz looked to Izzy, "Why did you go out of your way to tell me about the talk-show?"

"I want to become a sexual psychologist, but a good one, you know?" Izzy smiled, "So I make it my business to check out any new things like this." Her eyes narrowed slightly, "I hope you don't mind me saying, but… you're an interesting person Gaz."

The girl frowned, "What?"

"Well, I've never met an asexual before," Izzy shrugged, "So… you're interesting because you're not like anyone else I know."

Gaz just raised an eyebrow and shrugged slowly. "Well, thanks, I guess."

Gaz stopped; she was outside her classroom now however the bell still had a minute or so to ring before she would have to go in. Izzy stopped alongside her and shifted her feet. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"What?" Gaz folded her arms silently confident she could answer anything Izzy had on asexuality.

"Have you told your parents yet?"

Gaz's face dropped, she wasn't prepared for that. Immediately the girl looked down, "Erm… no. I haven't even told my brother."

Izzy nodded, "Hey its ok if you haven't, but… do you plan on telling them?"

Gaz bit her lip, how does one tell their parents about something like this? She could understand bi or gay, again, facts about that where everywhere. Everyone knew what being bi or gay meant, but asexual? How the hell are you meant to come out about being asexual?

"I… don't know…" Gaz looked back up to the taller girl, "Yea I think I should tell them… but…"

"It's a tough thing to do, right?" Izzy smiled warmly, "Its fine, telling your parents anything like this is one of the toughest things you can ever do."

"Have you told your parents?" Gaz asked with a slight turn of her head, "What was it like for you?"

Izzy looked up and breathed out, falling against a nearby locker. "Well I knew my dad would be ok with it, he's a civil rights lawyer, but I was scared my mom might be mad with me." She smiled, "But she was fine with it, I was so glad." She frowned, "But when my granddad found out he went ballistic and now he refuses to talk to me," she sneered, "but that's fine with me because I've always hated the old bastard anyway."

"Lucky," Gaz commented and leaned against the locker next to the taller girl. She sighed. "I want to tell them you know, but… It's just, time and place and shit…" she chuckled, "And I've got no idea what the reaction will be. I think my brother will be ok with it, he watched that talk-show with me and he was cool about it," Gaz smiled, she'd never tell him, but she was impossibly thankful of Dib for that and her respect for him had greatly risen. "But my dad…"

Izzy nodded slowly, "Yea, don't wanna be drawing on statistics here, but it's usually the dad's who react the most negatively."

"… I think I'm going to tell him soon," Gaz nodded to herself, "We have a family outing every year to some restaurant, it's coming up this Saturday and this time it's my turn to choose where we go." She smiled, "Yea, I'll tell my family then."

Izzy nodded and smiled, she then suddenly reached into her backpack, drawing out a small pad of paper and, after a few seconds more searching, a sparkly pen. She quickly tore out a small square and turned to use the locker to write something on it.

Gaz watched this with a silent interest, wondering what the girl could be doing.

When Izzy turned back to Gaz, she was surprised to find the taller girl had an odd, sad expression. "I'm only meant to do this for members of the club, but here," and she held out the paper. Gaz took it and looked at it as Izzy explained, "It's my mobile phone number and house address."

Gaz frowned, "Why would I need this?"

Izzy looked down. "Right now there's a guy staying at my house because his parents refuse to let 'that faggot piece of shit' back in their home." She looked back up to Gaz. "You never know what you're parents reactions are going to be like, so this is just in case… you need somewhere to stay, or even someone to talk to, you know?"

Gaz was, well, rather shocked that a girl she'd only known for a little while, barely even an hour, had given her such a generous and personal helping hand. She supposed not everyone in the world were mindless grinning morons, that some people where actually worth the effort of getting to know them.

"Thanks…" Gaz placed the address firmly into her pocket.

Izzy smiled, "No problem." She pushed herself off the locker as the bell rung out, causing Gaz to wince at the loudness of the ringing. As the taller girl walked away she turned around and waved. "See you later Gaz! And if I don't then good luck!"

"Yea," Gaz put up a hand, "Thanks, bye."

As Gaz walked into the classroom and sat down at her usual desk, she couldn't help reach into her pocket and look at the paper again. A cold sense of dread entered her stomach and ran across her back.

Would her dad actually kick her out over this? She would expect him to be angry, but, and while it might have sounded rather mean, it wasn't like she was admitting she was gay. She was sure her dad might try and talk her out of it, come up with excuses for her, maybe even drag her to his labs and check her hormone levels on some invention of his, but throw her out? Attack her? She was sure he wouldn't do that.

But still… she folded the paper and put it in her pocket again, she'd keep the address on her.

Just in case.

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WOO!

So, another chapter over and done with.

So, I'd like to say that since I told my friends about my asexuality-ness, of which by the way they where fine about, I have been called 'amoeba' a good many time and I have been joked about reproducing by splitting in two and such.

Now, while I can take this as a joke and not get offended, sometimes it does get to me, as it would get to anyone I suppose.

So I thought that I'd mention that… I can take a joke, but sometimes it wears a bit thin…

Also, I think it's true about that thing about asexuals having a hard time with the world at large. Although I know gay people also have a tough time, ON A WHOLE, they have a far easier time then barely 30 years back.

However, my point stands that asexuals do have a tough time telling people about themselves to others. But, rather than us being hated, we're simply completely misunderstood and just, well, dismissed. I can say from my own personal experience that we gotta stand there and explain, over and over again, that nothing is wrong with us.

Either way, while the state of acceptance is good, it's still improving.

Enough of me ranting.

'Vicious Whispers' is from that awesomage book 'Serenity Rose', which I would highly recommend to anyone.

Both 'Marshal' and 'Deep Black' are references to 'How To Totally Rock' by GunGreg89. You know you loved it.

Anyways, R&R cos… you know… reviews are nice to read…


	13. A Goodbye To Closets

FINALLY!

I know, I know, a day late. Sorry about that my reader-pals but I'm afraid that I got a little behind with stuff.

Also, I'm now writing this to keep up with the schedule… which I don't usually do (I usually write a lot and usually have about 1 chapter ready to update with while working on the next).

SO! Good news and bad news I'm afraid.

Good news: There's gonna be a few more chapters added to this after I got some inspiration.

Bad news: The updates are gonna be less… regular, and a lot slower.

So… yea. This is the chapter where Gaz finally walks out of the closet. Although, I really don't think such a term could apply to asexuals, I mean… I dunno, I just think it's more of a bi/gay thing then an asexual thing.

Meh.

Anyways, enjoy the reading ma peeps in the hizzouse!

I don't own whatever.

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The sun was setting outside, and it cast a number of red lines on Gaz's bedroom ceiling as the light moved through her window blinds. The dull light illuminated her room, quietly mixing with the very dark colours of Gaz's wallpaper and the numerous bands and gaming posters.

The girl in question was sitting on her little spinney office-esk chair, pulled up to her laptop desk.

Gaz looked to the very bottom right of her laptop screen; it was almost time to get going to Bloaty's. Gaz had always chosen Bloaty's because of two reasons, one, it had good pizza and two, Zim was deathly scared to go there because of the nightmare-inducing machines they had to supposedly 'entertain' the kids.

Her eyes moved back to the centre of the screen. She was on Asexuality Awareness website and was currently reading someone's account of how they 'came out' to their parents. The account was somewhat positive in their parents responses, however, the author of the article did warn her that she would be in for 'an hour of constant explaining' as they put it. They'd advised her that it was more likely her parents, or in this case parent, would make it an issue should they find anything wrong with it. They would likely try and come up with explanations for her, they'd try and convince her of a number of different reasons why she should be wrong.

She knew however, that she must remain calm and confident and simply try to explain her feelings as clearly as she could. She must control her anger, as she knew that she'd get angry at their excuses, if she was going to get her family to understand her orientation.

She was already mentally preparing herself for what she knew would be a tough next few hours. She had no idea what her families reactions would really be like until she'd revealed her feelings to them. She hoped that whatever it was, it wouldn't result in her being kicked out of her house.

However, that didn't mean she wasn't preparing for that. She had Izzy's address in her pocket, and she was also taking her coat, inside which were her cell-phone and some money.

She was hoping that she wouldn't need them.

Her IM blinked, alerting her of Todd's message. She clicked it up and let her eyes read over his message.

"Are you really sure you really want to do this?" Since she'd told him of her plan earlier that day when they'd gone to their weekly meeting at the mall, Todd had been worrying over her like crazy, "I mean, I don't want you to get into any trouble or anything with your parents."

"I'll be fine," Gaz typed back, but only half-trusting her statement, "Really."

"Well, just so you know," Todd paused, and Gaz could see from the bottom of the IM box that whatever he was writing he'd stopped and deleted it more than once, "I just… want to know that you'll be safe…"

Gaz shook her head and smiled, "Todd, I'll be ok, really. If anything happens I'll phone you." She thought for a second before adding, "I'll phone you even if nothing happens, ok?"

"Alright." Todd's answer blinked up after a second waiting. "Just… you're my best friend Gaz, so… just be careful ok?"

Gaz smiled more as Todd again reminded her that not all people are assholes. "Thanks, it means a lot." She meant it as well. It was amazing how close her and Todd had become in the time they'd known each other. They just seemed to click; it was as plain and simple as that. Todd was Gaz's best friend; she fully acknowledged it, as did he. They talked online every night without fail, often to the early hours. She'd never met anyone who she could just talk to, without having to hold back or explain her points more than once. To have someone who just understood her on first match… it was something she knew she'd be eternally glad for.

"Well that's good to know," Todd typed back after a moment's pause, and for a tiny second Gaz wondered if he was holding something back, but she shook it off.

"Look," Gaz typed back, "I've got to go, so… I'll phone you later ok?"

"Ok," there was another moment where he seemed to be typing, then deleting his message and typing again, "I'll hear from you later then."

"Bye bye Todd."

"Bye Gaz."

Gaz then signed out of her instant messenger and shut down all her current windows before sighing and leaning back in her desk chair, finally deciding to grab the top of the laptop screen and fold it inwards, putting her laptop into automatic standby mode.

It was time to go downstairs and put her boots on; time to face the music.

As she walked down the stairs, having picked up her coat from her room, she heard Dib's voice drifting up from the phone.  
Gretchen and Dib were doing that stupid 'you put down the phone first' thing that gushy romantic couples did. However, as Dib looked up from where he was sitting on the bottom of the stairs to see Gaz slowly stepping down towards him, he said a serious goodbye and placed the phone down.

Dib was wearing his same old trench coat again but he was wearing a white t-shirt with a black 'Z?' printed on the front. He also had a small gold stud in his ear, something he'd gotten last week. His trench coat sleeves were rolled up to show his blue arm-warmers, which he pulled on to stretch them tighter on his arms.

"Can you believe dad won't let me take Gretchen with us?" Dib shook his head and played with his fingers, almost nervously as he stood up and followed her as she went to pick up her boots, "He's so anal on the whole family night thing huh?"

"You don't think that he values the small fact that this is a family-only kind of thing?" Gaz's answer was mumbled rather then actually spoken, but Dib still heard it.

"Well," He looked up, "I suppose it is good that he actually wants it to just be a family-only kind of thing," He scratched the back of his head, "But still, you know?"

"No, I obviously don't know," Gaz turned to the couch, partly to put her boots on and partly hoping Dib might wait at the door.

Like he hadn't even heard his sister, Dib followed her and continued talking, "I mean, I think I should be able to bring my girlfriend you know? Dad's hardly even talked to her," he paused, "Does he even know I'm going out with Gretchen?"

Gaz sat down and turned on TV, randomly flicking through channels, trying to find something to drown out Dib with while putting her boots on.

However, he sat down on the opposite end of the couch, still talking. "Man, you know when you think about maybe Gretchen should come anyway, after all he really should meet her." He looked up, thinking, "Do you think he'd get mad if I bring her? I could still ring her and tell her to-"

"Shut up Dib," Gaz growled out, venting some of that nervousness inside her, masking it with anger, "This is a family night, for the family, and no one is going to interrupt that."

"Oh, sorry," Dib looked down and sighed, "I guess you're right." However, when Gaz's channel flicking landed onto the Dethklok minute, he grinned as the blond hair presenter told them the goings on of his favourite band.

However, Gaz turned the TV off half-way through the announcement of the progress on the bands bassist side project 'Planet Piss'.

Dib frowned and went to complain, but Gaz sent him a look that instantly made him hold back on anything he was about to say.

She stood up and walked past Dib, "Let's just go."

"I still wanted to know about Plant Piss though," Dib mumbled as he followed his sister out the door of the house, grabbing the car keys as he did. Dib was going to be the one driving the car there, but their farther would be the one to drive it back.

Dib always enjoyed driving the family car, mainly because he rarely got a chance to put his driving license to test.

Gaz had also passed her test, but she, unlike her brother, didn't like driving. She'd rather walk somewhere or take a bike than drive. Why, she wasn't sure, but she considered her preference to be far more healthy and enjoyable then sitting in a stuffy car, waiting in traffic and pollution for hours on end to get somewhere.

The car was an average family car, nothing special, nothing exciting, just something that didn't look too bad and got more then three people from A to B. It had a dull blue coating, and there was a sticker on the back window proclaiming, "Honk if you believe in science!" Dib had tried to remove it more than once.

Dib was already in the drivers' seat by the time Gaz had gotten into the passenger seat next to him.

They quickly put on their seatbelts as Dib started the car up grinning; he was loving every moment of this.

Gaz however decided to throw on some music before Dib could open his ever-talking mouth. Quickly looking through some CD's she picked out Rvet Hed's, 'Death To Mankind, Long Live The Witches' album.

Dib grinned wider as the sound of hardcore thrash-punk filled the car, and Gaz couldn't help smile with him. If there was only one thing in the world the siblings could bond over, was their shared love of rock music.

"Man," Dib chuckled as he turned a corner in the car, "Rvet Hed rocks."

Gaz nodded, "Completely. Although, I don't think he's as good as Dethklok."

Dib shook his head, "Probably not musically, but stage-show wise he pounds 'em into the floor. I mean," Dib glanced at Gaz, "The guy has all sorts of weird witchy stuff happening when he does a show, like decapitating bodies and big monsters and stuff. Its pure supernatural awesome in a one hour set."

Gaz frowned at her brother like he was an idiot. "Erm, people _die_ at Dethklok shows_, for real_, they have goddamn pain waivers for crying out loud." She turned to look out the window, "Besides, Dethklok have done some legendary shows, like the Gulf of Danzig 'Go Into The Water' concert."

"Rvet Hed has done some legendary shows!" Dib quickly countered, "What about two-thousand-fours 'Dead But Dreaming' concert when he re-created the re-awakening of the Cthulhu? That was some serious badass shit."

"That was one of Rvet's finer moment's yes," Gaz didn't turn to look away from the window, "But Dethklok still put on far more awesome shows just by their music ability."

"At least they're both better than Vicious 'I'm so far up my own ass I can see out my neck' Whispers." Dib growled at his dislike at the very idea of the singer, "Damn that woman pisses the hell out of me."

"She's just pure crap," Gaz agreed, a rare moment indeed for the siblings, "All her fans are just emo or pansies… or both," She sneered, "Rvet Hed kicks the living crap out of her."

"Agh, she's not even good looking," The statement made Gaz turn to her brother with an odd, slightly interested slightly weirded-out frown on her face. Dib turned another corner and continued, "I mean, I could see how someone might like her looks, but personally I wouldn't even give her the time of day if you paid me."

Gaz said nothing; instead, she silently wondered how anyone could prefer specific looks on people. Like brown eyes or blond hair or whatever. To Gaz, they all looked the same and no traits stood out to her more than others. She silently smiled and turned to look back out the window, letting out a small breath.

She enjoyed knowing her orientation would allow her judge people on their personalities far more than looks, something that was always advised but rarely practiced by most people.

She suddenly realised that Dib was still talking, but she hadn't been listening. Years of this kind of thing had allowed Gaz to perfect the art of tuning her brother out of hearing.

"…And you know, we might have had a bit of an argument about it, but I don't have to go with her everywhere do I?" He hadn't realised Gaz was only just now paying attention to him again, "If Gretchen wants to go see Vicious then that's fine by me, but I shouldn't have to go with her just because we're together. We do have our different music tastes after all. We're not the same person!"

"Relationships…" Gaz suddenly commented, for once it was her speaking her thoughts without knowing it, "How the hell do you keep them going at all?"

"Well," Dib had a sudden air of confidence and an even egotistical look about his eyes and voice, "When you get one, you just make it work… because you _want_ to spend time with each other, so staying together is easy."

"Whatever," Gaz looked out the window to see they where now pulling into the Bloaty's car park. A sudden sense of dread burst over her and that uncomfortable sick feeling in her stomach came roaring back.

This was it, zero hour. She was going to march into that theme restaurant, sit down and tell her brother and her farther that she was asexual and that she was proud of it and that nothing they could say would ever say that would change that and that they where just going to have to accept her for who she was.

'_Easier said then done,'_ She couldn't help but think as she stepped out the car, Dib turning the music off as he turned the car engine off.

The boy then got out the car and shut the door then he used the remote lock on the key to lock the car without even looking at it, pointing it over his shoulder, obviously trying to look cool.

Sometimes Gaz wondered where he'd got it from, this odd confidence that had began to show within him as he'd entered his teens, this slightly quirky sense of good humour. He used to be such a whiney person, always complaining about something or another, so serious. But somewhere along the road he'd lightened up, not enough to fully rid him of his worrisome attitude, but enough so that Gaz didn't tell him to shut up as often.

As she followed her brother into the pizza restaurant, she felt a slight calm on her nervousness, knowing that her brother would be there to defend her, just like he'd always done, was a quiet but big help to her.

However, the moment her eyes set on her father, that calmness quickly became counterbalanced with a deep stab of fear.

Professor Membrane was a tall, pale man with a surprisingly broad shouldered, well built body. Not that he was muscled or athletic for any sense of the word, but he wasn't thin or skinny like most scientists are thought of. His body was completely cloaked in a white scientists coat with a collar that was pulled right over his mouth and up to his eyes, hiding his form and making him seem thinner then he really was. His sleeves were rolled up to his wrists, but his skin was still covered by a pair of thick black gloves. His boots were also black and when he walked his coat parted slightly to show he was wearing a pair of black pants.

Membrane's head was almost completely bald except for a large cowlick of hair that arched back in a large scythe, jutting once, something Dib's inherited scythe was also just beginning to do, however, it was in his hair that his true age showed as it was a dark dull grey tipped with white, unlike his son's youthful jet black. Across his amber eyes, were some crows feet could just been seen, he wore a pair of tight black goggles with a small wire coming from the left and leading, down his arm, to a device attached around his wrist. That was an invention of his, a kind of miniature laptop that he could view on his goggles and also gave him constant updates on his business and labs.

"Ahh, greetings children!" Membrane said happily as the two teens approached the table he was sitting at, "Ready for family night?"

Dib smiled at his father, sliding along the seat to sit next to him, Gaz carefully sat down on the end of the semi-circular seat, making sure that she had an easy escape in case anything went wrong. Of course this idea only made Gaz feel even more nervous.

Membrane leaned onto the table using his elbows and linked his fingers, looking over them, studying his daughter. "Daughter? You seem a little white, is anything afflicting you?"

"Erm, no, just," she paused, but decided that now wasn't the time to come out yet, "Big test at school today, worried I didn't pass."

"Nonsense!" Her father replied, "You're the daughter of a scientist! Passing tests is in your blood!"

"Dad," Dib went to comment, but instead just shook his head and looked to the plastic coated menu, "Lets just get something to eat, I'm starving."

"Yea, me too," Gaz didn't feel hungry at all, in fact, she was almost sick with her anxiety. She silently cursed herself, why was she so scared about this? She was Gaz! She wasn't scared of anything, and even if she was she'd never let it get to her like this!

But than again, this was something new to be scared about. This wasn't like she was being threatened or getting into fight with some evil thing. This was something personal, deeply personal, to herself. This would permanently affect the way both her brother and her father would look at her from now on.

This would change her life, and it was that which scared her more than anything else.

A waitress walked over to them, dressed in the silly uniform of the restaurant, yellow and purple striped skirt, shirt and a hat which had a plastic Bloaty's pig on the front. She looked young and had long light brown hair, deep green eyes and a pretty looks with a thin body. Her nametag read 'Chelsea' and her expression said she didn't particularly like her job very much.

"Have you decided on an order?" She held a small pen and a notepad in her hand, waiting for their answer.

"I'll have a cheese pizza, 12 inch please," Dib always picked that pizza, it was his favourite, "And some Poop Cola."

"Get me… something healthy," Membrane had always believed in healthy food and one of his great accomplishments as a scientist was packing healthy nutrients and vitamins into junk food, even pizza, "Pepperoni please. Super pepperoni." It hadn't been Membranes idea to call his healthy junk food 'super', but his marketing team had said it'd sell more. Gaz remembered her father being so angry about that, stamping around the front room yelling about how they where destroying his creations with selling points. However, that had been when their father was much younger then he was now, and now the marketing team had the second biggest budget in his corporation, second only to the main laboratory itself.

Gaz thought on how overtime Membrane had changed his opinion on the 'super food' line of products. She hoped that even if he disagreed now, he'd eventually grow to understand her feelings.

"Gaz?" She looked up blinking in surprise, "Wha?"

"What do want to eat?" Membrane asked with a slight tip of his head. Gaz realised she'd been too caught up in her thoughts to hear him ask the first time.

"Oh, erm," Everything on the menu looked ok, but she still didn't feel like eating, "Just… some chicken and mushroom please."

"If you want, you can order a family sized pizza made of your individual choices and save ten dollars. It's Bloaty's big-eat special." The waitress was clearly just reciting something she'd been told to tell the customers.

"Ok then," Membrane quickly decided for them all. He wasn't trying to be mean, but it was just in his nature to decide on something before others, to take charge. His family had long since learned that fact. He turned to his children, "Well now, how's school?"

Dib immediately launched into a discussion about how Zim was planning to destroy the school with evil racoon-wiener hybrid creations. Membrane listened, or at least looked like he did, while Dib continued to rant on and on.

Gaz stayed perfectly silent, avoiding eye contact. She hated herself for it, but she wished she'd brought her blade. Just one cut, just to take some of the pain of this moment away, just to feel some calm.

She frowned to herself, she shouldn't be thinking like that. She couldn't let herself down, or let Todd down. When she'd told him she was quitting, he'd vowed to quit as well. They'd check on each other each week to make sure they'd keep to the agreement and help each other whenever possible. Quitting was much easier with Todd by her side, someone who didn't judge and only understood.

Gaz looked up to see her father looking bored at Dib. She could still pull out of this; she didn't have to tell them now, save it till later… like her eighteenth birthday or something. However, even through her nerves, she heard the voice of her determination stubbornly protest. She was going to tell them now, because if she didn't, then it was unlikely she ever would. Yet, she wanted to choose the right time; she didn't want to just blurt it out to them. They had to be eased into the idea.

After a few moments of Dib's yammering, the pizza arrived, already divided into twelve slices, a sweet, almost sickly, smell rising from it, the cheese still melting slightly from the warmth of being in an oven. Gaz was slightly glad when Dib started eating away happily; at least his mouth was full.

Membrane took a piece of pizza and began to eat slowly, enjoying the taste of his own creations.

Gaz took a piece, looked at it, and then nibbled it slowly. Her stomach was so tight she could hardly swallow, and again she cursed herself for feeling like this. She wasn't meant to be afraid of her father, and it was her father she was most afraid of. She was, in fact, relying on Dib to take her side.

If he didn't… well she didn't want to think about that.

"Still thinking about that test daughter?" She looked up to see Membrane looking at her with a raised eyebrow. She could also tell he was smiling, although she couldn't see his mouth. It was weird how, even thought should couldn't see his eyes or mouth, she could still tell his expression. She supposed it was just from living with him for so long.

"Yea… and some other things…" She took her cola and began drinking, thankful for something cold and not solid, something that was easier to swallow.

Dib took another piece and grinned. "What is it Gaz?" Dib only ever taunted her in the presence of their father, it was the only time she'd let him get away with it, "Got some boy on your mind?"

Something deep inside Gaz's mind laughed at the idea, but mostly she just felt that stomach knot tighten. "No." She replied, but the usual anger in her voice was missing.

"Now, now son," Membrane wagged a finger at his child while reaching for another piece of pizza, "Your sister is obviously concentrating on her grades and has no time for boys."

"Hey! I've got a girlfriend and my grades aren't worsening!" Dib counted with a mouthful of cheese pizza. "And that's on top of fighting for the safety of all mankind!"

"My poor son," Membrane shook his head slowly, "When will you learn that your 'para-science' is nothing but testimonials of mentally deluded farmers!"

"Para-science is about separating the crazy delusions from the real mysteries!" Dib hotly countered.

Gaz sighed; they did this at _every_ family night. She barely got to say a thing over her brother and father arguing about science, and since his mid-teens, politics. Membrane was a staunch right-wing republican while Dib was far more left wing and liberal. The arguments between them never seemed to stop, but at least they never resorted to violent arguments, it was always civil between them, not matter how heated the disagreements became.

"You're insane my son!" Membrane cried almost dramatically, "Science will one day prove that all so-called 'phenomenon' is fake!" He paused, "Wait a moment… what girlfriend?"

Dib suddenly grinned, "Her names Gretchen, dad, and we've been going out for a while." A small frowned entered the teenagers expression, "I wanted to bring her along but you said no."

"I don't recall saying no." Membrane frowned, "I would have thought you'd have the common sense to bring her with you, I would have quite liked to meet her."

Dib's eyes widened in annoyance and disbelief, "You said no! Gaz said that you'd said family night was for the family only!"

Gaz looked up and her father, "You did say that."

Membrane, "But there are some exceptions you know."

Dib fell back in the seat, amazed and annoyed. "You could have mentioned this before."

"Ooh, don't worry my son," Membrane smiled, "I'm just glad to see my boy growing up, and growing up _straight_ I might add." He chuckled, "I was worried all that para-science would do something to you, what with that obsession with that foreign child and all."

Dib's jaw dropped, literally. If Gaz wasn't so nervous she would have found it hilariously funny. After a second of just staring blankly at his father, Dib slowly answered, "You… you thought I was going to be _gay_? For _ZIM_?!" He suddenly growled, "Dad… I hate you."

"Oh come now," Membrane quickly protested, "Surely you can see how it looked to me!"

"No, screw that," Dib pinched the space between his nose, knocking his glasses down slight as he did, "I _hate_ Zim. I told you multiple times that I _hate_ Zim. Why do I _hate_ Zim? Because he's a freaking alien!" He growled out, glairing at his father, "And besides," He looked back up, pushing his glasses up his nose, "What if I was gay? Not that I am, but why where you worried I'd turned out gay?"

"Because, son," Membrane said slowly, pausing to eat more pizza, only a few slices left now, "Homosexuality is nothing but a mental disorder."

A sudden, cold air settled on the table, and Gaz especially felt herself freeze.

Membrane carried on eating, despite the increasingly angry looks from his son. "Why, right now we're working on a medication that, when taken regularly, actually forces the body become attracted to the opposite sex." Gaz couldn't believe the smug, almost proud way her father had announced that, even more so when he added, "We're also researching into a surgical procedure which can modify the brain of a homosexual to make it find the opposite sex attractive again." He smiled behind his collar, "Homosexuality in all its forms will become nothing more than a curable disorder by the time you're having children of your own!"

Dib bit his lip, and looked to his pizza, then looked back to his father. "Dad," he calmly announced, "You're an asshole."

Membrane frowned angrily at his son, "Don't call-"

"No dad," Dib quickly interrupted, "You're a bonafied, grade A asshole." He shook his head, an amazed look on his face. "There is nothing wrong with gay people. Oh my God…" He ran a hand though his hair, "I can't believe my dad is doing this…" he glared back at Membrane, "You're a serious asshole, dad."

Membrane frowned, "It's for the good of mankind. We can't have these people corrupting our youth and our society with their…" He rolled a hand, "Behaviour!"

"Who's going to be next then!?" Did snapped back, "You gonna make pills to stop people liking rock music? You gonna start breeding out people with black hair and only keep those with blue and blond hair? You gonna start making pills to root out any individuality or opinion? You're a fucking asshole!"

"DIBATON!" A few people actually turned their heads as Membrane shouted, holding the last slice of pizza in his hand, "If you swear at me again, so help me I'll ground you until the end of the year!" He glared at his son behind his goggles, "I'm doing this for your own good, for the good of everyone, otherwise I wouldn't bother. This pill could heal family riffs, bring everyone closer together and stop hate crimes forever!" Dib went to say something, but Membrane quickly interrupted, "And besides, this pill would only be _optional_, for people to take themselves or not, it'd be their choice to stop being gay! Although," he smiled slyly behind his collar, "Many of the Congressmen I know say they'd make it law, but that's not my place to decide on policies."

"Dad," Gaz finally said something, "I want to tell you something." She'd decided that now was the time. She knew what his reaction would be; he'd shown what camp he was in but she didn't feel nervous, or at least not as much anymore. She just felt angry that her father, a man of science, someone who was meant to be always open to new ideas and possibilities, was nothing more than a narrow minded homophobe.

She wanted to tell her family about her asexuality, but now, she also wanted to show Membrane that whether it was homosexuality, bisexuality or her own asexuality, these orientations weren't something that only existed for other people. They weren't something he could get rid off with pills so his own little world wouldn't be harmed. They where in his home, part of his own personal family, and he was going to have to deal with that.

It was like the table had been removed from the rest of the restaurant, the rest of the world even. It didn't matter that people and music and laughter and the sound of arcade games where all around them, because all that had instantly vanished when Gaz had spoken.

She could hear her heart pounding in her chest and feel the air fill her lungs. She looked down to the table, running the words through her mind, then finally she looked up to her father's stern, slightly worried expression.

"I'm asexual." Gaz could hear the words escape her lips, but the moment they did she shut her mouth again, biting down on her lip. She felt a huge clash of emotions rush through her. Relief, worry, joy, fear… she couldn't wait to see their reactions but she also wanted to be on the other side of the world when they did react. She wanted to sink into her seat but jump for the very joy of finally being able to be her true self around them.

Why did it seem waiting for their response took a million years? Yet, the moment her father spoke, it seemed like only a millisecond had passed.

"Asexual…" it was like he had only heard the word for the first time, and Gaz was completely prepared to tell him all about how asexuality works, however he suddenly laughed and Gaz felt a very cold stone drop inside her. "Asexual! Oh daughter, you're always the funny one!"

Dib however, didn't say anything. When Gaz turned to look at him, his reaction remained blank, however, he slowly turned to look at the table and leaned forward, resting his chin on his hands, thinking.

Gaz was afraid that Dib was about to react the same way, but she breathed a small sigh of relief when he said, "You mean… like those people on that talk show?"

Gaz nodded, "Yea… just like those people."

Membrane frowned, "What is this? Some new fad?"

Gaz felt like strangling him, but she remembered the advice she'd read and calmly replied, "No dad. I'm asexual, I don't like anyone… physically. I don't desire anyone like most people do, I don't have any image of a perfect person, I don't want to ever, you know, have sex with anyone." She took a deep breath, "It's an orientation, just like being gay or bi or straight, I'm asex. We can still form relationships, live perfectly normal lives; it's just that we don't have a strong, or any interest in sex."

Membrane looked shocked, almost confused. Although their father never looked confused, he only looked like he was working the answer out, never like he didn't know the answer to something. "You're… you're just a late bloomer, that's all." He sounded so sure of himself. "You'll start feeling normal soon enough."

"Normal?" Gaz almost growled, "I am normal! This is normal dad! There's nothing wrong with me, I'm asexual and that's fine!"

"Gaz…" She turned to look at Dib, who still looked like he was taking the whole thing in, "How do you know if… if you haven't met the right person yet?"

"Because Dib," She growled, although inside she was panicking, Dib was meant to be taking her side, not making up excuses for her, "I don't even believe in the right person, and even if I did meet the right person I'm sure I'd stay the same and I'm sure they'd respect my feelings."

Membrane shook his head, "Look, daughter, you're obviously just confused. You'll find a boy attractive eventually, maybe when you age a bit more. You're just too caught up in school work right now to worry about finding a boyfriend."

"No, dad," She had to keep this up; she had to make sure they got the point, "I know what I am. I'm asexual I always have been and always will be." Her eyes glanced at Dib. "I'm proud of this, I'm happy being this way. Nothing you can say to me will change this, so just accept it." _'Please.'_

However, to her increasing worry, Dib stayed silent. Membrane however, seemed to be getting angry. It was scary because she'd never seen her father so angry at any of them before. Sure she'd been shouted at countless times, just like Dib, but this… this was like they'd seriously stabbed him in the heart, she could see his cold fury behind his dark goggles.

"Gazarath!" He only ever called her by her full name, as with Dib, when he was truly angry with them, "You are NOT asexual! You've just… got low hormones!" He folded his arms, like he was making a final decision, "When we get home I'm going to put you though some tests young lady. I'll start you on a medication program that'll make you feel better."

"DAD!" Gaz almost jumped to her feet, but she kept reminding herself that she had to stay calm, however, that was becoming harder and harder to do. "I don't want to go thought any tests! I'm happy as I am now! I went through a lot of pain and confusion to get to this point, what, you think that I just decided on this today?" Her hands curled into fists, she was losing her temper and she knew it, "I've tried to be straight, I even tried to be gay, but I'm neither! I'm asexual and I'm happier knowing this, I'm even proud of it!"

"Nonsense!" Membrane tried to shout her down, and people in nearby seats turned to look at them, however, no one on the table seemed to notice. "You're just a confused little girl! You can be cured in no time!"

Her voice was raising and shaking with anger. "Get it through you're thick fucking skull dad! YOUR DAUGHTER DOESN'T WANT SEX!"

She couldn't take this anymore, sitting here trying to fight off her dad who considered her ill or having no support from her brother who she'd been relying on to help her. Her family had rejected her; her worse fear was coming true.

She had to get away from them, from this place, from these people who she thought would accept her, or at least be ok with her orientation. She'd expected some reaction, but not this… not her father trying to forcibly make her into something she didn't want to become.

Gaz pushed herself away from the table and ran, just ran, no turning back no crying, no final words. She just wanted to get away from those… bastards.

She thought she could hear Dib and Membrane shout behind her, but she was already out the doors before she could pick them out over the rest of the noisy restaurant.

She ran and ran, through dirty dark alleyways and along empty, lonely streets until she felt like she couldn't run anymore. But she kept on running anyway.

She didn't cry, Gaz never cried, but for all the life in her she wished she could.

When she finally stopped she had no idea where she was but it looked like some lonely park for kids, however it looked like they'd abandoned it and vandalism had moved in, but even by the fading cuss words and badly drawn figures of gangsters and rappers, it seemed like even the graffiti artists had moved on, leaving this skeleton of a playground.

Gaz collapsed onto the only swing that was still in one piece; the other had snapped and fallen to the tarmac ground.

She curled up as much as she could while letting the cold wind blow against her back. She was panting, hard, and she could feel her blood pump all over her body and she was shaking.

All she could think about was how her family had thrown her away, dismissed her, called her ill and even tried to _cure_ her.

She gulped and let her head fall against one of the chains holding the swing in place, her hair falling over her closed eyes. She couldn't go home, not now, not tonight. She couldn't face them again.

And besides, she had no idea how to get home from where she was.

'_But,'_ her eyes opened, _'I do have… no, I couldn't…'_ Her hand reached into her pocket, and she slowly drew out the address and phone number that Izzy had gave her, _'Could I?'_

----------

WELL!

That was a monster of a chapter eh? Took me a while to write as well, damn thing, I don't even know if most of it is relevant, especially all that beginning part.

But still, its done, and you guys get your Platonic fix for the week.

Ok, so, Rev't Hed and Vicious Whispers both belong to Aaron A of Serenity Rose fame and Deathklok and Plant Piss are from that AWESOME show, Metalcolypse.

I love that discussion part though, combining two totally different universes, genres even, and actually making it work rather well. Awesome.

The pizza eating was meant to be like a countdown, you know, each piece taken gets a little closer to the revealing thing? But I don't think it worked out all that well… ahh well.

Also, some cameo's from a very good friend of mine!

And just to comment, there IS some logic in Membrane gay-no-more pill. I mean, if you're in some hardcore Christian family and you find your gay, this pill could make it so you don't have to get abandoned by your family or betray your beliefs or something.

Not that all Christians are like that, but that's just how Membrane sees it. And also, like abortion I suppose, while scientist created it to be chosen or not, most states enforce a no-abortions policy. I suspect the same might happen for this pill.

Of course, Dib is right in saying it's the worst idea since John meeting Yoko. It's just a way for the state and society to enforce normality and obedience on everyone.

ANYWAY. Yes, next chapter will see Izzy again, and hopefully not as mary-sue-ish as she was last chapter.

R&R My reviewer guys and galls! And may the force be with you!


	14. One Night At Izzy's Part 1

WELL!

Sorry for such a long time in trying to update! The reason was because of lots of things that I'm not going to get into right now.

Let's just say you'll soon realise why I spend so long without updating…

AHEM, anyways, let's continue! This chapter was meant to be FAR bigger then before, but I realised that should I continue it'd be FAR too big, so this is like… a shortened version of the original chapter.

Kinda like, this is one half of two chapters, but at least you'll have a regular update time for the next chapter.

SO. Yes… nothing really that special in this chapter, just a WHOLE buncha references.

Erm… yea. This is just a glorified filler chapter really, the next chapter will have MUCH more stuff in there.

I own NOTHIN, NOTHIN I SAY! MUHAHAHAHA.

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Her fingers trembled as she held her cell phone out, the number held tightly in her other hand, but with one thin finger ready to tap out the number.

The wind whipped up around her, making her hair fly out around her, tangling with itself. The trees also shivered loudly, mimicking rain hitting their leaves.

She was scared… because she felt like she was giving in. Phoning Izzy for help would be like an act of surrender, her brother and father will have won.

But what? What had they won? She had no idea, but she knew that she couldn't go home, not now, not tonight.

She couldn't face her family like that again, not until she'd had some time to gather herself again.

So… the only place she could go to was either Izzy's or Zim's. If she went to Izzy's, she'd likely feel very out of place and pathetic but she knew she'd at least have someone to talk to, someone who would listen.

If she went to Zim's, she'd be with someone who she knew, but someone who was highly unlikely to understand anything. He probably wouldn't even listen. Also, Dib and her father would be looking for her, and they'd probably check there first.

She sighed and looked to Izzy's number again; she was so tired of all this that right now she'd take any sort of shelter.

She just hoped Izzy wouldn't mind.

Gaz typed the number slowly, as if expecting someone to come around the corner at any moment and save her. A number of doubts ran through her mind. What if she wasn't allowed to stay? What if the number was fake? What if she wasn't in?

She narrowed her eyes against the cold. The moon wasn't out tonight, which only made everything seem darker and bleaker. The broken down playground around her cast strange, odd shadows that looked like they where all trying to reach out and grab her, yet they looked to weak and grey to trap her in darkness.

She shivered and looked back to her phone, only one number left to press. Screwing up what was left of her courage she tapped it and brought to cell to the side of her head, listening to it ring.

Part of her wanted Izzy to pick up the phone, Gaz wanted desperately to hear at least one friendly voice after tonight. But another part wanted no one to pick up, so she would be able to sink away into nothing and stay there until she finally worked up the courage to phone home and admit her failure to convince them of her feelings. Maybe then they'd let her go back home and stop looking at her like they did in the restaurant.

Gaz's eyes sapped open as the phone suddenly clicked, and the voice of an older woman, presumably Izzy's mother, answered. "Hello?"

"Erm, hi," Gaz forced the awkwardness from her voice, "Is Izzy there?"

"Who might I say is calling?" The woman asked politely.

"Gaz…" The teen replied, "I'm, erm, a friend…"

Gaz could see the woman frown slightly on the other end, "Okay. Wait a moment."

The teenager listened as the woman put the phone down, and a tiny smile of amusement appeared on Gaz's face as she heard the woman yell out Izzy's name, telling her daughter that a Gaz was calling for her.

Another moment of waiting, then Gaz stiffened slightly as she heard footsteps rushing towards the phone on the other side.

She heard Izzy yell something about her mother picking up her mobile before she addressed Gaz. "Gaz?" A small wave of relief came over the girl as she heard Izzy's friendly, slightly worried voice, "Hi, what's up? Are you ok?"

"Yea… well, no." Gaz sighed, "I'm… I had an argument… with my dad…"

"Oh shit." Gaz almost chuckled at the reaction, "He didn't do anything to you did he?"

"No, I'm fine," The teen replied brushing some hair away from her eyes as the wind blew again, "But… I just need someplace to go… I don't want to go home right now."

"Don't worry about anything, I'll come and get you," Gaz was still amazed at how Izzy was willing to help her like this. She had no idea what the girl wanted to gain from it, and it was hard to believe she was doing this out of pure kindness.

But right now, she'd have to stay silent about her thoughts.

"That might be a bit hard…" Gaz smirked sadly, "I ran off and I don't know where I am."

"Oh…" Izzy sighed, a hint of annoyance in her voice, "Well, can you see any signs or anything around you?"

"Wait a moment," Gaz put a palm across the receiver and looked around. She had to squint in the darkness, but she could read the sign of the road from a small sign across the street. Keeping her eyes on it she put the cell back to her ear. "Dimebag Street."

Izzy must have frowned in thought, "Dimebag Street… Dimebag Street…"

"I'm on some really old playground." Gaz shrugged, "If that helps at all."

"…hum…" A tiny part of Gaz was starting to get pissed that Izzy was wasting all her minutes on her phone, "Ok, I'm pretty sure there's a shop somewhere near you, like, towards the main road if you can hear it."

"Pretty sure?" Gaz couldn't help but ask.

"I don't know that area all that well, but I'm like, ninety per-cent sure ok?" Izzy sighed, this time Gaz could defiantly hear the annoyance in her voice, and a tiny pang of guilt sprang up in her. "Just make your way to the main road and look for a grocery shop, I'll come and find you there."

"Ok, erm," Gaz paused, "Thanks for this."

"It's no problem, really," Izzy's reply caused a small smile to grow on Gaz's face. "I'll be few minutes ok?"

"Ok, bye." Gaz ended the call quickly, and slowly stood up. Her body still stubbornly complained from all the running she'd been doing, but at least it was bearable now. She shivered again and pulled her coat tighter around her before walking out of the playground. A moment's pause allowed her to hear the rush of cars in the near distance, to her left. So that was the direction she turned to walk.

As she walked, her mind drifted onto the restaurant. She couldn't get the idea out of her head that her family had betrayed her. She couldn't believe that they had, not like that. She thought this was the kind of thing that only happened to gays and bi's, not to asexuals.

She sighed; well she'd learned that lesson harshly. A sudden voice suddenly entered her thoughts; maybe this wasn't as bad as she was making it out to be? After all, it'd been her decision to run away and neither her brother nor father had said anything about kicking her out of the house.

If she wanted, she could go home right now.

She frowned as she turned a corner, the sound of cars closer now. She couldn't go home though, not tonight. Not while her father was intent on 'curing' her and her brother not even looking at her. She'd just get into a more violent argument with them both.

Right now she knew she just needed to spend some time away from them, at least until everyone had cooled down.

The sudden sound of her ring tone, the theme from Piggy Vampire Hunter, snapped her attention around. Bringing the phone from her pocket she looked to the flashing screen, 'Caller: Home'.

She frowned, what was this? Some pathetic attempt to show that they care? Or just another attempt to tell her how mentally ill she was?

She quickly cancelled it. She didn't even want to speak to them right now. A rush of furious anger swept through her and the overwhelming desire to kick something entered her mind.

She hoped they where worried sick about her. She hoped they where pacing up and down in the living room, wondering where the hell she was at this hour, alone and cold on the dangerous streets. She hoped that they both felt sick to their hearts about what they'd said to her, about trying to second guess and excuse her feelings.

The phone rang again, and Gaz's eyes narrowed. Before she knew what she was doing she yelled at the phone, "Get the HELL away from me you BASTARDS!" She'd never cancelled a call so furiously in all her life. She wanted to show anyone who could be looking how furious she was; although she knew cancelling a call angrily would do nothing.

By the time she got to the main road, they'd attempted to contact her three more times, but by now she'd grown so annoyed she'd turned her phone off. She looked up and down the street, which was only partially busy, only the odd car or lorry now drove down the dully lit, badly cracked road.

Gaz took a moment to think how they should get someone to clean up this place. Her eyes turned left and widened as she saw what looked to be a closed shop a few minutes down and across the road with 'Quickstop Groceries' written on the billboard above the metal grates covering the windows. There was also a big piece of paper taped to the metal grate reading 'I assure you; we're OPEN'. A few lights illuminated the sign, as did the light streaming out of the windows on the doors.

Two men stood outside a video shop connected to the right of the grocery shop, one taller then the other, both wearing long black trench coats. One had a small beard, brown, and was rather chubby looking while the other was much thinner with long blond hair.

Gaz debated with herself whether to go over there or not, the two guys looked like they where busy talking to themselves, but Gaz was still unsure whether they were perfectly harmless or not.

She decided she'd cross the road and wait right next to the door of the shop, that way if they tried anything she could still retreat into the shop. It was times like this she regretted not carrying around some kind of weapon.

'_Stupid dad and his stupid rules,'_ she internally growled as she jogged quickly across the road and came to rest with her back again the metal grate.

She kept her eyes forward, looking up and down the down the road, wishing that Izzy would hurry up and get here.

She couldn't help but notice out the corner of her eye that the two men seemed to have noticed her.

"HEY BABY!" The shout sent a small chill down Gaz's spine, "How would you like to smoke a phatty boom batty with me and Silent Bob here?"

She turned her head to glair at them and was about to answer, angrily, when the door to the video shop opened and a man wearing a red and white chequered shirt and a pair of plain blue pants and a backwards baseball cap appeared to glair angrily at the two.

"Hey dickweeds," he shouted at the two, "What did I tell you about loitering around outside my shop?"

"Hey," the loud mouthed blond hair man grabbed his crotch and gave the middle finger to the chequered shirt man, "Suck it!" He then lightly hit his quiet companion on the arm, "Come on Silent Bob, let's go before these clerks start cramping our style."

The two turned and walked off into the night and the video store clerk shook his head, turning to Gaz and suddenly looking like he noticed her for the first time. "Hey, don't get bothered by those two ok?" He smirked, "They're just a pair of harmless dope fiends."

"Yea, thanks," Gaz looked back towards the road, hoping that every car that drove past was Izzy's.

The man paused for a second before shook his head again and walked out the shop, locking it behind him. He then walked towards Gaz, but turned and went into the grocery store.

Gaz sighed and looked down, glad to be on her own again. This was already one weird night and being harassed by annoying drug dealers in overcoats didn't make it any better.

The sound of a car stopping in front of her caused her to immediately look back up and she couldn't stop a smile and a great wave of relief flow over her as she saw Izzy jump out of the passenger seat of the car and run towards her.

However, before she could even say 'hi' Izzy had grabbed her and took her into a tight hug. Gaz felt rather uncomfortable at the sudden space invasion as Izzy sighed, "I'm so glad your ok!"

"Yea, me too," The teen raised an arm and patted Izzy on the back. Gaz wasn't exactly used to giving hugs, especially in situations like this.

Izzy finally let go stepping back a bit and looking Gaz square in the eyes. "Are you sure you're fine?"

"Yes," Gaz nodded, "I'm just… I just don't want to go home right now… I need to be away from my dad and my brother for a while…"

Izzy nodded, "Alright. Well, my mom said it was fine for you to stay at ours tonight if you want."

Gaz frowned, "What about your Dad? And don't you already have someone staying at your house?"

Izzy smiled and placed a hand on Gaz's shoulder, slowly guiding her towards the waiting car. "He went to his uncles yesterday, and my dad's over in New York right now with some big case."

As they got to her car, both of them getting into the backseat, Gaz noticed their driver was an older boy, someone she recognised from the school soccer team.

He had cut short hair, black and wavy like his sister's, and when he turned to look at Gaz she could see he had deep brown eyes. The slight resemblance in the face caused Gaz to automatically identify him as her brother. He seemed to be very well built and athletic and he was wearing a pair of blue jeans with a typical green and white jock shirt, the school logo and his team number stitched onto the back. She couldn't see his feet, or whatever he had on under his jacket, but she could just see a gold chain around his neck, glinting up from behind his collor.

"Hey," He didn't seem all that interested in Gaz, and looked like he was actually quite bothered about the whole thing.

"Hey," Gaz replied back in an equally deadpan voice.

Izzy quickly jumped into the backseat next to Gaz and the moment she did her brother quickly pulled away and began driving back to their home.

He spoke in a slightly deep, slightly annoyed tone. "Look, I'm only dropping you off at the top of our street alright? I don't wanna be late for my date."

Izzy frowned at her brother then smiled at Gaz kindly, "So, do you wanna tell me what happened?"

Gaz looked down and placed a tired hand over her face closing her eyes, "Can it just wait? Please? I just wanna collapse somewhere for a while before I start unloading my problems."

"Sure," Izzy kept her smile, "We can have some coffee at my place and you can tell me whatever you want."

There was a small patch of silence, of which Gaz took the opportunity to turn her phone back on. Three missed calls, all from home. She sighed and decided she might as well send Dib a text message telling him she would be at a friends before turning her phone back off.

"You know," Izzy's brother suddenly spoke up, "You should just be glad mom lets so many of your queer friends stay over," Both Gaz and Izzy looked to the back of their drivers head as he complained, "You can't keep doing this Iz."

"Shut up, M," Izzy growled back with a slightly surprising amount of anger, "Mom knows I'm doing important work and actually trying to help others, unlike you and you pathetic athletics."

"Hey!" Her brother growled back, "I could go pro next year! Coach says he's gonna recommend me to some talent scouts."

"Whatever," Izzy shook her head.

"I'm not gay," Gaz mumbled, half-wanting to make her point half-wanting just to make sure he didn't get the wrong idea, "I'm asexual."

"What the… whatever girl, it's not my problem." The jock shrugged, "All I know is one day mom's gonna snap at you, Iz."

"Oh will you shut up, M!" Izzy growled back, "Just drop us off here so you can go to your girlfriends."

"At least I've got a girlfriend!" M taunted back, "Unlike you!"

Izzy pushed the car door open and stepped outside, holding the door for Gaz who quickly followed, Izzy closing the door behind her.

M's tone changed suddenly to become calmer, "Tell mom I'll be home by dinner tomorrow, ok?"

"Yea, cya later M."

"Bye," he raised a hand to the two girls before driving away down the street.

Gaz blinked, "What was all that about?"

"Oh, don't worry," Izzy smiled, "He was just annoyed that I was making him late for meeting up with his girlfriend. We get along most of the time."

"Walk down?" Gaz frowned, "How long will this take?"

"Not long Gaz, jeeze," The taller girl chuckled and turned to walk on down the road stop to see that Gaz was standing, looking at her with slightly narrow eyes. She smiled, "Come on, you don't wanna stand out here all night do you?"

"Why are you doing all this?" Gaz crossed her arms across her body, "Why are you being so nice to me?"

Izzy's smile instantly dropped, and then, to some slight surprise, she frowned at the other teenager. "Don't hit a gift horse in the mouth." She sighed in annoyance and shivered as the wind picked up around them, "Gee, you try and do something nice for someone-"

"See!" Gaz quickly interrupted, "That's my point! Izzy… you hardly know me, and yet you go to all this length to help me? Why?"

"Because I thought we were friends!" Izzy growled back. "And even if you don't think I'm your friend I consider you one of mine!" Gaz looked on shocked; she'd never thought Izzy even thought of her as a friend.

Gaz looked down. "I'm… I didn't know… I'm not used to people being this nice to me."

Izzy's anger softened, but it didn't go completely, "Look, Gaz. If you're worried about anything just ask." A twitch of a smile appeared, "I'm helping you because I want to be your friend, really."

Gaz blinked slowly and looked slightly to the side, her eyes studying the pavement. Slowly she looked back up to the girl. "Alright… sorry about before…" she walked up to the girl and the two began walking down the street side by side, "Let's go inside before we freeze to death."

"Agreed," Izzy chuckled as they walked down the path together.

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WOO!

Yea, it was craptacular. AGH, I hate this chapter. It's just so BORING.

But it needed to be done, because the next chapter is much better and contains more of my usual discussiony kinda stuff that you all LOOOVE.

Ahem, so, yes. References!

Quickstop, Jay and Silent Bob, the video store dude, aka RANDAL. All to the mighty Kevin Smith.

'Dimebag Street' is to Dimebag Darrell, aka, HIGH LORD OF ROCK, HE WHO PWNS SOULS, MASTER OF THE HEADBAG, Pantera Guitarist Dimebag Darrell.

Oh, and if you where wondering, yes that IS The Letter M from Dib's class!

Anyways, R&R my awesome reader people! Oh, and remember to recycle your kittens!


	15. One Night At Izzy's Part 2

YEAH! Another slice of that sweet sweet pie known as Platonic Life comin' into yo wiiide open mouths.

Diggit.

So, this chapter is like… half-filler, half-important. I dunno… there are some things I like about this chapter and other things I don't like. It's a mixed chapter for me.

I tried to flesh out Izzy's character a little more here and stop her being so mary-sue-ish with the help n' all. I hope she comes across as more human in this chapter than the other times you've seen her.

Look out for the Indigo Girls (lesbian rock band) reference and the big up to ma DA peep, x-Atticus-x who's one of the best artists DA, and the IZ community, has to offer. GO SUPPORT HER NOW. Pledge your allegiance to the might of MR BUNGLE!

Ahem.

Anyways, ONWARDS!

I own nowt yo.

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"Look," Gaz paused before Izzy could ring the bell on her door, "Are you _sure_ it's ok if I stay?"

"It's fine, _really_," Izzy pressed the doorbell, "My mom knows that as a member of the gay community and vice president of the school club I'd have to let people stay over sometimes, sometimes even for up to a week. Besides," she raised her eyebrows, "My dad practically encourages it. He's thinks it'll all be good 'real life' experience for when I'm studying therapy in college or something."

Gaz looked down and mumbled, "Thanks."

The door opened and Gaz looked up to see a woman who looked remarkably like an older version of Izzy, which of course meant that this was her mother.

She had long black hair, which was tied back in a ponytail and a pair of quite light brown eyes. She was inch taller then Izzy and she was slightly plump looking, but it seemed to only fit the motherly air about her.

She was wearing a blue top and a pair of darker blue pants with some black socks and in her hand she held a towel, on which she was seemingly drying her hands.

She smiled at the two. "So this is you friend Iz? Come in you poor thing." And she stepped aside to let the two pass.

Izzy frowned at her mother, "Mom, don't bother over us ok? This is like, private stuff."

"Don't you speak to me like that young lady!" Her mother shut the door behind them, "Remember I'm the one letting your friend stay over tonight!"

"Erm, if you don't want me to stay then I can go," Gaz comment quietly. She hated doing thing kind of thing, he wasn't good at dealing with such generosity, she felt like she should be repaying them back somehow to even it out. There's no such thing as a free meal after all.

"No, it's fine dear," Izzy's mother smiled, "I don't mind at all. You poor types get enough mistreatment anyway."

"Us types?" Gaz questioned suddenly.

Izzy laughed a tad nervously and corrected her mother, "Erm, mom, Gaz isn't a lesbian. She's asexual."

"Asexual?" Her mother frowned in thought, "You mean like those people on the Dr Feto show?"

Gaz nodded, "Yea, just like them."

"Well I'll be… HA!" Her mother turned and began walking towards the kitchen, chuckling slightly, "I never thought I'd meet one!"

"Erm… ok," Gaz raised an eyebrow and looked to Izzy, who was taking of her shoes and motioned to Gaz to do the same. She smiled and whispered, "Don't worry about my mom, she means well but she's a bit… behind the times to say the least, you know?"

"I think so, my dads' kinda like that," she placed her boots next to Izzy's shoes and followed her into their kitchen, which looked in much better shape than the one in her own house.

Her mother was currently putting plates away, so Gaz assumed that the family had just had dinner. She stood awkwardly near the doorway, not exactly sure what to do while the mother and daughter moved around each other, Izzy's mother putting away dishes while Izzy herself tried to put out some cups for coffee.

Her mother scowled at Izzy for getting in her way, "Wait a second until I've finished putting these plates away."

"Mom!" Izzy whined back, "Please, this is _important_!"

Gaz watched with some small amusement as Izzy's mother frowned at her daughter before putting the last of the plates away and walked out the room, smiling politely at Gaz again as she did. The teen then took the chance to walk over to the taller girl and watch her make them their drinks.

Izzy sighed in irritation as she boiled a kettle to make them some coffee. "I bet your mom isn't this annoying."

"I don't have a mom." Gaz answered bluntly.

"Oh," Izzy stopped to look at Gaz with sad eyes, "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be," Gaz looked down, "I never knew who she was, so I never considered her all that important."

"Well… erm," Izzy clearly had no idea what to say next, "Still… you know?"

"Yea," Gaz nodded.

The next few moments where spent in relative silence with Izzy asking the odd question about how many sugars or how strong Gaz wanted her coffee to be. After they'd gotten their drinks, Izzy led Gaz up to her room, yelling over her shoulder to her mother that her brother said he'd be home by dinner tomorrow.

Izzy's room was smaller than Gaz's, or at least that was the first thing that Gaz thought when she stepped inside. The second thing she thought was that it was possibly the very opposite of her room, at least in colour and style-wise. While Gaz's room was always dark and gothic, Izzy's room seemed to be much brighter with an air for wooden browns, sunset reds and light airy pinks. The third thing she thought was that it was the tidiest room she'd ever seen. Everything seemed to have its place. DVD's all lined up in order, school work and other papers all organised and put into separate trays on a desk with a flat screen computer placed in the middle. She had a large bookshelf with all sorts of books and magazines, all placed in order and lined up with a part cut out to make room for a small but fitting TV which had a DVD player built into the bottom of it. Her clothes where all neatly folded and put to one side, all her teddies where organised along one wall in order of size.

Her bed was pushed up against the left wall and a small cushiony-chair was next to it, one that looked like it could be folded out into a small bed, which Izzy proved true when she untied some small laces at the sides and laid it out. She also took a neatly folded blanket from under her bed and pushed it to the end of the cushiony-chair-bed.

On the walls where various posters, most of a gay supporting variety and theme, however, there where some band posters and a small notice board which had several leaflets and post-it notes pinned to it. Gaz noticed that many posters seemed to be of one particular band 'Violet Girls' and most of these where of the bassist. Gaz also noticed, with a small smile, a large rainbow flag hanging on the wall over Izzy's bed.

Gaz stood and watched from the doorway of the room, the coffee cup burning in her hands, as Izzy sat down onto her bed and crossed her legs, taking off her socks.

She looked up and raised an eyebrow. "You don't mind shutting the door do you?"

Gaz blinked and zoned back in, "Oh, yea." She did as Izzy requested and walked quietly to sit onto the makeshift bed, which was oddly more comfortable than she first thought it would be.

She took of her coat and looked around, her eyes falling on a bunch of pictures pinned to the nearest wall, all showing Izzy at some kind of party. Gaz noticed that in most of them, another dark skinned girl with long brown hair and blue eyes seemed to be with her and at least three of them had them kissing.

"Who is that?" Gaz wondered out loud, her eyes looking onto one with Izzy, this other girl and another girl who seemed to have clown makeup on, very curly red hair and blue, grey hued eyes.

"That," Izzy informed, following Gaz's gaze, "Is me and my ex with my good friend Atti, she's an artist."

Gaz nodded slowly. "I see." It was odd to think of Izzy with an ex after all the times she seemed to have been without anyone with her.

"She moved to a different state…" Izzy said slowly a sudden unusual sadness in her voice, "I miss her so much sometimes." She sighed and looked back to Gaz, her mood picking up again. "But enough about me. Do you want to talk about what happened now?"

Gaz looked to her coffee and nodded slowly. "Yea…" She sipped some of it and sighed. She then repeated the events of the restaurant in-between sips of her drink while Izzy sat listening.

When she'd finished, Izzy looked down. "So you think your dad overreacted…"

"Yea," Gaz finished the last of her coffee and set it to one side, lying back on the makeshift bed. She grunted in a tired, annoyed sense and closed her eyes, "God I wish he wasn't such a gigantic _prick_…" She chuckled lightly, almost sarcastically, "I don't know why I didn't see it coming. He's always been like 'I am right you are wrong' with us."

"Us?" Izzy questioned as she got up to put her and Gaz's coffee empty cups to one side.

"Dib, he's my brother, and me," Gaz growled, "And I thought Dib would help me."

"You know," Izzy sat back down onto her bed, "Just because he didn't say anything didn't mean he doesn't accept you."

Gaz opened one eye to look at Izzy. "What?"

"When I came out, M was like, _completely_ overwhelmed and didn't say a thing during the whole talk," Izzy cocked her head slightly, "You know, maybe he was just dealing with it, taking it in so to say. It can be a big thing for any brother or sister to deal with. After all, it's not just your parents who have to come to terms with having a gay or bi," Gaz narrowed her gaze, "Or asexual," Izzy quickly added, "Member of the family."

Gaz opened her other eye and looked up to Izzy's white ceiling. "…I guess…" she looked down again, "Maybe I overreacted a bit myself."

"It's fine if you did," Izzy lay onto her side, propping her head up with one arm, "Wanna know what I did after I told my mom?"

"What?" Gaz looked back to the other girl.

"I ran and locked myself in this room for the whole weekend." Izzy smiled wearily as Gaz's eyes widened slightly, "Yea, my mom and I had a _massive_ shouting match through the door, but eventually we got all teary eyed and we're cool again now."

Gaz looked back up to the ceiling and placed her hands behind her head, "Agh… it's gonna take a _lot_ more than two days for my dad to stop trying to 'cure' me. He's so determined…" She growled suddenly, "You know, why should I give a fuck what he thinks anyway? This is _my_ life and I'll do what I want with it and if he doesn't like it then he can go to hell." She growled deeper, "I mean, did he even think for a _second_ that maybe I don't _want_ to be like everyone else? That I _like_ being asexual? Why should he have to _force_ his lifestyle choices on _me_ just because we don't _agree_?" She sat up, powered by her own fury, her eyes blazing and her teeth gritting, "Why can't people just let others be themselves!?"

"I really don't know." Izzy sighed and fell back onto her bed. "People just need to learn that people like me and you and, well, everyone will always be around, and _have_ always been around. Nothing we're doing is new, there's been straight and gay and bi and asexuals since… well, forever."

There was a moment of silence where Gaz just looked to her feet, silently wondering about what would happen when she returned home tomorrow. Would Dib say anything? Would her father?

She had sudden urge to be with someone who understood her, she wanted to talk with someone who actually got her. Izzy was a good friend, a great friend for doing all this for her, but she wasn't Gaz's best friend.

Gaz wanted to be with the one person who'd ever got her instantly, who made her feel calm when she was angry, or cheered her up whenever she was sad. She wanted to be with the person who made her feel, well, better about everything just by being around her.

She wanted to be with Todd.

She felt a surge of sorrow as she realised she hadn't phoned him as she'd promised. It was odd when she found herself missing Todd because she was always unsure why she missed him so strongly.

"What's the matter?" Izzy's quiet question caused Gaz to look back up at her.

"Oh, nothing," She sighed and looked back to her feet, "Just… thinking."

Izzy nodded then a moment later she stood up and walked towards the door, picking up the empty cups on her way. "I'm going make some toast, want any?"

"No, I'm alright." Gaz answered back without looking to the taller girl.

"Sure?" Izzy paused as the doorframe, "It's no trouble."

"I'm sure, I'm just not hungry," Gaz was still thinking about phoning Todd. The more she thought about it the more she was convinced it'd be the best thing right now.

The moment Izzy left the room Gaz took out her phone and clicked it on. Her fingers already began looking through her saved address book and quickly found their way to Todd's phone number. She clicked it and raised the cell to her ear.

It only rung once before it was picked up, "GAZ?!" Todd's panicking, scared tone reached her and while she felt bad knowing he was worrying over her, she couldn't help feel relieved at the sound of his voice. A tiny part of her asked why, but she ignored it for now.

"Hey," Gaz answered with a smile.

"Areyouokwhathappenedwhereareyouwhydidn'tyoucall?" Todd was practically choking on his own words. Gaz heard him take a breath then speak the question he obviously thought most important. "Are you ok?"

Gaz nodded although he couldn't see her, "Yea, I'm fine. I'm staying over at a friend's house though."

"What?! Why?!" Todd seemed to pacing, Gaz could tell by the sounds of his boots echoing on his bedroom floor. "What happened?"

Gaz gave Todd a quick run-through of the events at the restaurant and everything up to where she was in Izzy's house. Todd listened quietly, taking everything in. Gaz found he was very good at listening to people. When he listened, it wasn't like he was planning his next sentence but rather like he was processing everything that was being said to him, it showed he not only understood but was able to give an actually intelligent answer and not just words coming from his mouth directly fed from his brain.

Gaz liked it when Todd listened to her. She often felt like he was the only person who ever truly did.

"I'm so sorry," Todd said slowly when she'd finished, "I wish I could have been there… I _should_ have been there… God, I'm _so_ sorry."

"No, its ok Todd," Gaz quickly answered back, pulling her legs up to her chest, wrapping an arm around them and sitting with her back leaning against Izzy's bed. "You couldn't have come anyway and there's nothing you could have done to change what happened."

"I just _wish_ I could have been there for you though." Todd sat down onto his bed heavily, he seemed really upset that he couldn't of helped her, Gaz was somewhat surprised and yet, comforted further by this.

At least he cared about her which is more than what could be currently said for Dib or her father.

"Just talking to you is a _lot_ of help," She replied quietly, that small smile still on her face, "I really needed to hear a voice I can really _trust_, you know?"

Gaz could hear Todd smiling on the other end. "Thanks. I just _wish_ I could do more for you, I mean, well, you know, you're my best friend and all. I care about you…"

Gaz was no fool, she could hear something behind his words, but for the life of her she couldn't figure out what, or maybe she just didn't want to know. She sighed, "No, you do enough just listening to me. You're my best friend too you know." A second pause, "I care for you as well."

"Thanks…" Todd sighed on the other end, "So you're going to back home tomorrow?"

"Yea," Gaz nodded, "But I'm not looking forward to it."

"I can tell," Todd mused back, "If you want, I can be there for you…"

"No, I don't want to put you there with me," Gaz sighed, "It's gonna be scary, but I've got to face them down on my on."

"Are you sure?" Todd paused for a second and his voice took on an odd, soft tone. "You don't have to face them alone. I'll, erm, I'll always be here for you, you know"

Gaz smiled wider, "And I'll always be here for you as well, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." She felt an odd feeling swirling around inside her as she spoke, "And if I do I'm taking you with me."

There was a sudden, inexplicably awkward pause. They'd never had an awkward pause before, which meant that something very important was about to happen to them. Todd finally broke the silence, his voice a mix of several emotions. "G-Gaz… I-I need to tell you something… I've been meaning to tell you for a long while a-actually… b-but I don't know what you'll say…"

Gaz blinked and something in her mind was whispering a suggestion to her. Todd liked her… really liked her. Most of her didn't want to hear it. Todd was her greatest friend, her closest ally against the world but this could potentially destroy all of that.

"What is it?" Gaz was surprised at herself; her voice was lighter than it usually was.

"Gaz I… I…" Suddenly, the line went dead.

Gaz paused, hearing the dead nothingness of her cell, before looking wide eyed to her phone only to see that it had run out of power. Her face dropped, her eyes widened even more and an unspeakable rage exploded inside of her.

Slowly, her amber eyes narrowed in pure hate and a growl that could scare a rabid wolverine appeared on her mouth, "YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!"

She went to throw the phone but a tiny part of her senses reminded her this was not her house and so it'd be very impolite to throw a phone in someone else's house. Instead she slammed it down onto the makeshift bed where she growled evilly at it. "When I get home tomorrow," She threatened the inanimate cell phone, "I will show you the FULL extent of my WRATH!"

"Why are you yelling at your phone?"

Gaz turned her head to see a slightly shocked and worried looking Izzy standing at the doorway with piece buttered toast held in one hand.

"Cos the DAMN battery went dead halfway through a _very_ important convocation," Gaz growled out, glairing to the phone again.

"Oh… I see," Izzy nodded and walked into the room, "I hate it when that happens." She paused as she sat down on her bed, taking a bite of her toast, "Who where you talking to?"

Gaz paused, looking to the dead phone. Then slowly her anger faded and she sighed, "…it doesn't matter." She took the so far neglected blanket and unfolded it before lying on the bed and turning away from Izzy. "I just wanna get some sleep."

"Well, do you want sleep in those clothes or borrow some pyjamas?" Izzy cocked her head slightly, "I don't mind lending you some for tonight. I'll even wait outside for you to change if you want."

Gaz thought for moment. Her clothes were kind of sweaty from all that running, but she couldn't help feel uncomfortable at the idea of undressing in someone else's house. She gradually brought a hand to rest on her scared arm. "No I'm fine, really."

"It's ok, Gaz," Izzy smiled, "I not going to _do_ anything."

"It's not that," Gaz said quickly, "It's just… I feel _weird_ wearing other people's clothes…"

Izzy shrugged, "Alright, but don't blame me when you wake up all smelly." She walked over to the door and switched the light off.

Gaz closed her eyes, trying to will herself to sleep. It wasn't until she'd heard Izzy change her clothes and climb into her own bed that Gaz sighed, knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep so easily tonight.

"Hey, Gaz…" Gaz blinked as she heard Izzy whispered loudly from her bed.

"What?" Gaz whispered back, her eyes looking forward into the darkness.

"Can I ask you something?" Izzy shifted in her bed, presumably to look towards Gaz.

"Sure." Gaz didn't move.

"Well," Izzy paused, "If you're asexual… you don't like either gender for their looks right? You're not _physically_ attracted to either guy or girl, right?"

"Right," Gaz nodded to herself.

"Well… does that mean you could become _emotionally_ connected to either gender?" Her voice rose as she spoke, "Or do you feel like you're still only able to connect with one gender?"

The teen turned on her makeshift bed, "What are you implying?"

Gaz could hear Izzy chuckle lightly in the darkness of the room, "Don't get any ideas, you're a pretty girl, but you're not my type." Her voice saddened, "Besides it's… too early…" her voice picked up again, "Anyway, you still haven't answered the question."

Gaz looked towards the ceiling, her eyes widened. "…I suppose… there's nothing saying I can't." A tiny smile appeared, "I think I'd prefer guys though, although I'd never consider myself exclusive to anyone… whoever I connect with, I connect with, it doesn't matter who they are as long as I can feel close to them." She looked back to Izzy, "Does that answer your question?"

"That's a damn good answer," Izzy chuckled before she turned in her bed, yawning. "Well, goodnight Gaz."

"Night," Gaz replied and turned back on her side. But it was a while before she fell asleep. Her mind was still occupied with what Todd was going to say to her. Her inner convocations raged between what he could have said and what she _knew_ he was going to say.

She wondered what it would do to them if he did tell her what she greatly suspected he was going to say. She felt an odd sort of anger, because it meant their whole relationship could collapse. She wasn't prepared to handle his affections, not right now while she was dealing with her family. She knew she could never supply every need he had and she knew there would be times when such things would come to question.

But as her eyes slowly closed shut, she felt worried because, in all honesty with herself, she felt like she'd wanted him to say it.

And as she slipped into sleep, she felt happy, because she realised that, deep inside, she'd say the same thing back.

----------

LEMMIE EXPLAIN!

I know at the beginning of this I promised that there would be no pairings and I know I said no romance.

HOWEVER.

While writing this I took on the decision to cover everything that any asexual person must deal with. I knew that if I was going to do this, I would make it the truest thing I could on this subject considering this is the ONLY fic of it's type on the whole of I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right," I thought to myself.

While doing this, I realised that at SOME POINT I would have to cover romance and how an asexual deals with having a sexual boyfriend/girlfriend. I couldn't write this fic and miss out one of the most important points of asexuality. It's one of the most heavily debated subjects amongst the asexual community, how does one deal with being in a relationship when one has no desire to make that relationship intimate in any way past emotional?

So I decided that I'd have Todd and Gaz pair up and through this show you all how I (yes this is still only in MY opinion) would deal with such a thing.

Don't worry, my 'no sex' policy still stands, this is STILL asexuality we're dealing with here, but parts of this will now become rather romanticised, although not like FLUFF or anything.

So, those who are pissed enough at my breaking my promise can walk away and I won't blame you or hate you, you can even flame me if you wish. Those who wish to read on can still do so.

All I ask is for you readers to understand that I had to break my promise to deliver the best fic I could.

Anyways, as always R&R you reader folk in internet land!


	16. Warm Welcome Home

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY THIS TOOK ITS TIME!

I mean seriously, you guys where waiting for some SERIOUS timeage on this. UGH, and I know, saying things like 'life interrupted' or 'small case of writers block' are hackneyed and overused excuses, but DAYMN are they the truth.

SO, yes, FINALLY done! The beginning is HORRIBLY slow, but I love that 'pillow it all away' line, I think that's something we've all tried to do at least once.

Izzy is again, built on a little here, as is her mother.

I think I start cracking random jokes somewhere in the middle, I dunno, I was in a good mood. I think this chapter is good, but I don't know if it's everything it could have been. I'm happy with it, but I know I probably could have put more in with the level of… feeling I suppose.

Erm… so yea, sorry it took so long and I hope the next one comes quicker.

I own nowt but Izzy and her mom and YOUR MOM! I OWN TEH MOMS YO!

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Gaz woke up, or more accurately, she became aware her eyes were closed. She was pretty sure that no one in the universe opened their eyes the moment they woke up, she knew she didn't. Sleep was too much of a precious, untroubled, peaceful time for her and she had every intention of drawing out her sleep as much as she possibly could before allowing herself to admit to being awake.

She noticed the smell of a new day, mixed with the smell of the fabric of the make shift bed, which swiftly reminded her where she was.

It also reminded her that today she would have to go home and once again, face her father and brother.

Moaning a little in protest Gaz tried to bury her head into her pillow, like she could somehow put it all off by doing so. Something told her that it was still going to happen anyway, despite her best efforts to try and pillow it all away.

She finally turned her head back on its side and opened her eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the light that shone through the small crack in the curtains, casting a long thin bar of golden morning sunlight across the bedroom door.

She yawned and moved a hand to brush the sleep from her eyes but otherwise stayed motionless on her comfy warm makeshift bed.

Gaz's mind wasn't really busy with any thoughts right now, instead it was filled with a kind of 'just woke up' buzz.

After a few minutes of this daze, Gaz heard Izzy mumble something and move in her bed.

Gaz rolled over and blinked, "You awake?"

"Sleeping… dreaming… do not disturb…" Izzy murmured as she pulled the covers over her head.

Gaz smirked, "You're awake, admit it."

"No I'm not," Came her muffled reply, "I'm still in a hot-tub with Amy Beam."

"Whatever." Gaz sat up, blinking and yawning again. "Who's 'Amy Beam' anyway?"

A hand shot out from under the covers of Izzy's bed and pointed to one of the posters that hung around the walls of the bedroom, "Lesbian sex goddess."

Gaz looked at the bassist in question and raised an eyebrow. "… I don't see it…" she cocked her head slightly, "I suppose she's better looking than Vicious Whispers anyway."

"Stop corrupting my dream!" Izzy complained loudly before sighing and finally throwing her covers back, "Great, now I'm awake." She groaned and sat up, also brushing sleep from her eyes. "I'm not a morning person."

"You don't look like one," Gaz chuckled to herself. She stretched and then fell back onto the bed. "Do you mind if I have breakfast here?"

"No problem," Izzy yawned as she slowly picked herself up from her bed. "Do you want my mom to drive you home or are you gonna find some other way back?"

"I don't mind walking or whatever…" Gaz shrugged, "If I can reach school I can walk from there."

Izzy laughed as she threw back her bed sheets and got out of her bed, stretching and yawning again, "School is a good hour long walk from here. I always get the bus to school."

"And it's another half an hour from where I live as well." Gaz closed her eyes tight. "That's an hour and a half of walking."

"You can get a bus or something..." Izzy shrugged as she made her bed up, "I'll give you some change…" she frowned, "But I expect it back, I need all the money I can get."

Gaz frowned and slowly picked herself up from the bed. "I'm fine for money, but why would you want the change back?"

Izzy sighed and didn't meet Gaz's eyes. "Because I'm saving to go visit my ex next summer…"

Gaz shrugged as she patted her clothes down, "It can't be that much."

"Yea well, it's not just the flight," Izzy looked up and crossed one arm across her body, "It's hotel money and food money and all sorts."

The purple headed girl shrugged, "Whatever."

The taller teenager raised an eyebrow, "You know you say that a lot…"

Gaz paused and then smiled a tiny mischievous smile, "Whatever."

Izzy shook her head slowly, chuckling, "Come on, lets go get some breakfast."

The two girls exited the room and where soon sitting at the kitchen table, chomping away on Fraken-chokies.

Just as Gaz was finishing her bowl, Izzy's mother walked into the room, yawning in a way that was almost identical to her daughter's or perhaps her daughter's was identical to her's, and greeted them with a tired 'good morning'.

"Hey mom, can you give Gaz a lift home?" Izzy asked discreetly while chomping the last of her cereal.

"Hum, alright, I was going to go to church anyway." The older woman mused as she poured herself a bowl of very healthy looking cereal.

Gaz looked up from her bowl, "You don't have to, I can walk."

"No, its fine," Izzy's mother smiled as she sat down across from the teenager, "I'd be happy to help out."

Gaz looked down to her empty bowl and mumbled, "Thanks…" Before getting up and taking her bowl to the sink.

She didn't want to show it but she was intensely nervous about going home. What would Dib say? What would her dad say? Would they shout at her again or would they be ok with her? Would they even let her back in the house at all? Images of them throwing her things out the front door flooded her mind. She couldn't help hope that if they did throw her things out, her laptop wouldn't be too badly damaged, all of her movies and songs were on that.

Izzy was suddenly at her side, placing her bowl in the sink and running a hand through her hair. "Hum, I should get a haircut sometime soon…" She turned to Gaz, still holding her hair in her hands, studying it almost. "What do you think? I might get it cut short," she giggled, "Maybe I should go butch!"

"Butch?" Gaz slowly raised an eyebrow, "I… don't think you'd suit being butch."

Izzy shrugged, "No, I don't think so either." She smiled slightly, "I don't even go for butch girls to be honest, they remind me too much of my own brother."

"Ew," Gaz quickly commented, "I mean, nothing to butch lesbians but seriously, that's just wrong by any standards."

Izzy's eyes widened as the two girls turned to go back upstairs. "You're telling me!"

Gaz waited outside Izzy's room while the girl got changed into some new clothes, Gaz herself putting her socks and coat back on.

Soon Izzy re-emerged dressed in some blue denim jeans and a jet black top with red hems that showed off her midriff and arms.

Waddya think?" Izzy beamed at Gaz.

The teen shrugged, "It's not my style."

"Obviously," Izzy rolled her eyes, "But it still doesn't mean you can't tell me if it looks good."

"I never knew you where such a fashion-ita." Gaz smirked.

Izzy huffed, "There's no shame in taking pride in one's appearance." The two began to walk back down stairs. "Besides, I've heard Crystal Shermer has a _something_ for me."

Gaz raised an eyebrow, "_The_ cheerleader? _A_ cheerleader? You think that anorexic prep-slave is _gay_? And once more, she knows you?"

"She's one of my brother's friends and she's come around here a few times." Izzy smiled mischievously and raised her eyebrows, "Word is she's so far in the closet she's finding Christmas presents." She smiled smugly as they reached the bottom of the stairs, "I'm going to try and help her out of it."

"And you're trying to get her eye?" Gaz narrowed her gaze, pausing for a moment, "What happened to all this 'too early' stuff?"

Izzy paused suddenly, a look of sadness, then a sort of cold determination and crossing her face. "I'm not going to be serious with her, just… you know, help her come to terms with herself. And if that means taunting it out…" she sighed, "Then so be it."

"Sometimes I think you're _far_ to dedicated to this gay pride stuff," Gaz shook her head as she bent down to pick up her boots from next to the door. "Whatever though, it's not my place."

Izzy was about to counter when her mother's voice echoed from upstairs, "Iz! Tell your friend to be ready! I'm leaving in five!"

Gaz quickly began to pull her boots on, which was a good excuse not to look to Izzy's face as she spoke. "Erm, you know, thanks again for all this…"

"It was no problem, at all, really." Izzy smiled warmly, "You're my friend after all."

"Yea, erm," Gaz's voice quietened to a mumble, "You're my friend too and stuff…" Gaz still didn't look to Izzy's eyes, mainly because she wasn't all that good at this kind of thing and she didn't want to look stupid.

Izzy seemed to have picked up on this vibe and she smirked, "Whatever, right?"

"Yea," Gaz twitched a smile.

The two where interrupted when Izzy's mother came walking down the stairs, dressed in a blue dress with an old light brown coat over it. Her hair was done back in a simple ponytail and she had applied some nice looking makeup to her face.

She smiled at the two girls while she fished inside her pockets, probably looking for her keys.

"Ok," She looked to Gaz, "Ready to go dear?"

Gaz nodded and didn't say a word. Izzy's mother quickly opened the door and walked outside towards the car. It seemed it was rather windy today, as her brown coat flapped around her.

Gaz stepped outside, Izzy following, and turned to her friend, "Well, cya later."

Izzy suddenly reached forward and grabbed Gaz into a hug, which Gaz tensed at and a slight annoyance filled her at the un-requested personal space invasion. However, she forgave it for now considering the help Izzy had been.

"Cya in school, Gaz." Izzy let go and stepped back into the house, holding herself from the cold of the outside.

Gaz turned and walked towards the car, getting into the front passenger seat. As Izzy's mother pulled out the drive, Gaz gave one last wave goodbye to her friend, who waved back.

Izzy's mom's car was a comfortable thing, a typical family car trying to look like it was a sports car.

'_At least it's more comfortable than Johnny's car,'_ Gaz thought, turning to look out the window. She wouldn't admit it to him but Johnny's car was one of the scariest things she'd ever had the misfortune to ride in. Not only did the whole thing seem like it was going to fall apart at any moment but it stank of blood and death. Every time Johnny gave her a lift home she was gripping her seat with fear.

Todd said he'd rode in that car so many times he couldn't count, but even he couldn't get used to it. He said it just worsened is anxiety disorders, but then again, he blamed Johnny for an awful lot of his problems.

Gaz's face softened at the thought of Todd. She wondered what he was doing, whether be blamed her or himself or just fate in general for the phone thing. She wondered when she'd talk to him again, if he would contact her or if she would contact him. It was times like now, as she headed back home to an uncertain, but inevitable, showdown with either her father, brother, or perhaps both, that she truly wished she had Todd by her side.

But she knew she couldn't bring him into this. She couldn't drag someone like Todd into a family matter, not when she knew his own family practically refused to acknowledge his existence.

She'd been to Todd's house only once, and to be honest, she didn't want to go back. It was broken down, dark, almost foreboding in its look and the inside was just as, if not even more, broken down and dirty. His father hadn't been home that day but Todd had said it'd been a week since he'd last seen him. His mother had been in her bedroom and as they'd passed it she'd shouted something to the air about them being in 'bat country'.

She felt such a strong urge of sorrow every time she thought of Todd living in that house, practically fending for himself since he could walk. He often said Johnny tried to help him out but Johnny was far too badly wired to be of any real assistance other than giving him cooking tips. Still, he was still grateful for the maniacs help and companionship, even if he scared the daylights out of him.

"Gaz?" The teenager's attention snapped around to see that Izzy's mother was addressing her. "Where would you like me to drop you off?"

"Oh, erm," Gaz looked down to her feet, "Just, as closest to the school as you can."

"Why don't I just drop you off at your house?" The older woman smiled, "I don't mind being a few minutes late."

Gaz quickly gave out some directions and the woman nodded in response. "So," she asked after a minutes pause, "You're one of those asexual's, hum?"

Gaz nodded and didn't look up from her feet, "Yup."

"And your parents shouted at you for it?" Izzy's mother seemed to have the same level of curiosity that her daughter had, or maybe again it was the other way around.

"Something like that… it was more like my Dad didn't agree with me," Gaz sighed, "I hope he's not home."

"You know," Izzy's mother said slowly, "When Iz came out I was so shocked and angry. I honestly believe that God forbid any kind of homosexuality and I was scared that she'd go to hell."

Gaz turned to the woman and raised an eyebrow. A small part of her wanted to sneer and comment how God was dead but the last few months had told her that part of life was about accepting others for how they are rather than using your own personal views to try and hurt them. Besides, she didn't want to spit on the older woman's generosity at letting her stay at her house, give her breakfast and give her a lift home.

Gaz assured herself that she'd definitely remember to help Izzy out with any problem she might have in the future, no matter how small.

"Well… she said you and her made up," Gaz replied finally looking to the woman.

Izzy's mother was however concentrating on the road. "We did. I was confused about why God would want to curse my daughter with such a sin." She sighed, "So I prayed to God for an answer and he told me that it doesn't matter how someone lives their life, because as long as they are happy than they have the spirit of God in them." She smiled at the teenager, "So I accepted Iz for who she was because God's love is still God's love, no matter how it's shown, that's why I forgave her. She wasn't sinning at all because if God is love, then love no matter how it's shown can only be a good thing." She paused and then smiled a little wider, "That's what I think anyway."

Gaz wondered at what point Izzy's mother became a Jesus freak. It didn't matter; the message was still clear enough. "Yea…" She smirked, "I hope my dad thinks something like that."

"Why? Is your father religious?" Izzy's mother questioned softly.

Gaz shook her head, "No, science is his God."

"Well, if that makes him happy…" She sighed again, "I don't think anyone should force their views on anyone else, we've already seen what happens when people try that."

"Absolutely," Gaz agreed, looking outside the car to the window at the dull, but not rainy world, "People get hurt… people get killed…"

There was another many moments pause where Gaz and Izzy's mother were lost in their own thoughts.

"Not much of a talker are you?" Gaz turned again to see Izzy's mother had a smile on her face.

Gaz looked down, "Oh, I'm just kinda, you know, thinking about what might happen when I get back home."

"It's alright, dear," Izzy's mother replied nodding, "I understand."

"Thanks," Gaz mumbled, still not making any eye contact.

Again, the car slipped into silence, Gaz knew she wasn't exactly the world's greatest convocationest, but she also bet that Izzy's mother was letting her think in silence. The teen wondered how many others the older woman had driven to their homes after spending a day or a week in her home, hiding from the hate of their parents.

Any more talk was sparse, just directions and Gaz confirming she had keys to get in if her brother wasn't already waiting for her.

When they finally pulled up in front of her house, something about the place seemed slightly more… unnerving than usual, like it was expecting her. The grey dense clouds drifting above, gathering and bunching up together as if they were watching the place, eager to see the drama unfold.

Gaz placed her hand on the door to open it; she'd already readied herself before they'd even pulled up the street.

"Do you want me to wait in case of anything?" Izzy's mother asked quietly, causing Gaz to turn and, for the first time during the whole trip, look her in the eyes.

"I'll be fine," Gaz looked away from the older woman's gaze, "My Dad should be out and I know my brother wouldn't try and hurt me." _'Or I'll beat seven shades out of him.'_

Izzy's mother nodded, "Alright then," she smiled, "Good luck and I'll see you some other time!"

Gaz opened the door and stepped outside, holding the door and looking into the car while the sharp wind whipped her hair about her eyes. "Thanks again for everything."

"It was no problem dear," She smiled, "I hope you come again! God bless!"

"Yea, cya around," Gaz closed the door and waved to the woman, who waved back. She then watched as Izzy's mother turned around in the empty street and drove away.

Gaz turned back to the house, which seemed further away than it usually was. Inside its walls, Dib waited. The brother who she still had yet to confirm a hate, a disbelief or an acceptance of her orientation. Perhaps it would be a combination of those feelings, either way, she was about to find out.

She wasn't afraid of confronting Dib, after all, he was the one who ran from every fight they'd ever had, there was no way he could ever harm her. No, she was afraid of what might be said, she was afraid of what might happen after their talking. Afraid she'd be a stranger in her own home from now on, that she'd never be able to eat breakfast at the same table without her brother sending her evil looks or whispering things about her to Gretchen.

Sure, she could beat the living daylights out of him on every one of those occasions but it wouldn't matter because that secret disgust at her, that quiet disbelief that she was insane or repressed or just a lonely angry girl would always remain behind.

Even if they weren't exactly a modal family, they were still family, and that meant that they were always meant to stick together, to protect each other, to care for one another. Gaz knew none of them would ever admit it, but they did love one another, they _were_ a family and she was scared of losing them over something she couldn't help but feel.

She expected the walk up to her house to be longer than it was, maybe it was the screeching wind pushing her along or maybe it was her want to get the whole thing over and done with… or maybe she was just cold and wanted to get inside the warm house.

Either way, she was glad of the rush of warm air as she opened the front door. She shivered at the sudden temperature change and looked around, shutting the door behind her.

To her great surprise, the house seemed empty. Seemed empty… that's not to say it was.

She didn't take her boots of, she might need them to kick someone, but she did throw her coat to one side.

She paused, straining her ears, listening for anything. There was a dull thudding coming from upstairs, Dibs room, something that she might not have noticed if she wasn't so on edge.

She froze, Dib hadn't heard her come in, his music was obviously too loud.

What was she to do now? Walk upstairs and greet him with a friendly smile? Well, she knew she couldn't keep downstairs and do nothing. Eventually they would have to face one another and Gaz wanted to get this whole ordeal over with.

However, she wouldn't deal with Dib in his room, she wanted a neutral ground. She decided she'd call him into the kitchen, it was where the majority of the family's convocations happened anyway, plus she was feeling rather thirsty and a nice cola seemed like a nice idea.

After getting herself a poop cola can out the fridge, Gaz stood in the archway between the kitchen and the front room and took a deep, settling breath while willing herself to calm down and prepare for anything that might happen.

She closed her eyes. "DIB! I'M HOME!"

The music instantly shut off and the sound of Dib falling over the piles of stuff in his room was heard, followed by the opening of a door and then the sound of feet thudding quickly along the second floor corridor. His, rather large, head suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs, he was obviously leaning onto the rail to see whether Gaz was really there or not.

His amber eyes widened behind his glasses before he straightened up and hurried down the stairs, his trench coat flapping out as he jumped the last two steps.

The next action took Gaz slightly by surprise. Well, actually it took Gaz completely by surprise.

Dib grabbed Gaz into a tight hug.

Gaz's eyes widened and her arms stayed pinned to her sides, except for her coke can, which was now the only thing separating their bodies. Dib had never hugged her before. Ever. Not once. She supposed he'd always been afraid of getting so close to her, she might have hurt him for invading her personal space.

However, she couldn't deny that getting a hug from her brother was actually rather comforting, especially after the events of the weekend so far.

He let go and looked to her eyes, his face the picture of worry. "You ok? Where did you go last night?"

"I'm fine, I stayed at a friend's house," Gaz replied quickly, raising the can to her mouth so she wouldn't be expected to say any more.

Dib however was the high king of interrogating and he wasn't about to let it go. He frowned in annoyance, but he notably took a small step back. "Who's? I checked at Zim's but he said he hadn't seen you."

"You don't know them," Gaz's gaze narrowed, "But they treated me much better than you did."

Dib sighed and looked away, "Okay, I deserved that."

"No," Gaz snarled at him, shocking the much taller teenage boy, "You deserve a punch in the face for not helping me last night."

"What?!" Dib frowned, "I did help you!"

"You sat there and said NOTHING!" Gaz's hands curled into fists, the can becoming slightly crushed in her hand and her gaze narrowing in anger. She hadn't expected herself to be the one to get so angry, but then again, she couldn't help it. She knew she had a short temper, and this was definitely something that would trigger her rage off. "You call that helping!? Sitting there with your mouth shut while Dad tried to convince me I had some kind of _disease_!?"

"NO!" Dib took another step back, but frowned at his sister, "Dad wanted to go after you but I stopped him!"

Gaz's anger flickered, "What?"

"Dad wanted to grab you and drive you home to some of those 'tests' he was on about," Dib explained quickly, he didn't want to tempt his sister's temper, "But I stood in front of him and stopped him. Although, to be honest I only thought you where going to go to the car or something, not disappear into thin air for the night, " his slight frown softened, "We were both worried about you, Gaz."

"I was fine," Gaz looked away mumbling, "I was just pissed off at Dad for being such a prick." Her mind was racing. Dib had done that for her? Then that meant… she slowly looked back up to meet her brother's eyes. "So you… you don't hate me because I'm asexual?"

Dib looked surprised, then he chuckled, "Of course not! Why the hell would you think that?" He looked down again, "I mean, yea I was pretty shocked, I didn't really see it coming, but still," he looked back up, smiling, "I'm fine with it. If that's how you feel then I'm not going to stop you."

"Really?" Gaz cursed the fact she'd lost her anger, but at the same time she was happy that Izzy's prediction about Dib being shocked into silence was true. That only meant her father was left to talk to, but she felt much more confident knowing that Dib was defiantly by her side. "Thanks…"

She let a small smile form on her face, yet in a very odd way, she couldn't help but feel the whole thing had been anti-climatic. She'd honestly expected a tad more drama than this, but she couldn't complain, this was the result she wanted after all.

Dib smiled back at his sister, "No problem, really. Although," he scratched the back of his head, "I do have _one_ question."

Gaz's smile instantly vanished. "What?"

"Well, I just wanna know what kind of asexual you are." Dib smiled sheepishly.

The teen girl raised an eyebrow and raised the cola to her lips, taking a quick drink and then asking. "Waddya mean?"

"Well, I looked up 'asexuality' on the net," Dib pushed his glasses back up his nose, "And it said there were several types of asexuality, so I was just wondering which one you are, or count yourself to be or whatever…"

Gaz looked away, taking another gulp of her drink. She hadn't really thought about how defined her asexuality was, she just knew for certain that she _was_ an asexual. She'd considered that she might be an aromatic asexual, devoid of any sex drive or desire to form relationships, but now, with Todd's almost-revelation, she wasn't so sure.

The idea of being in love or being with anyone was still rather foreign to Gaz however, she wondered if it was worth the chance. She'd always believed that love in all its forms led only to fighting and pain that wasn't worth the small time of happiness that was meant to come with it.

But now she'd met someone who'd connected to her on practically every level, who seemed to click with her better than anyone she'd ever known before in her whole life. She couldn't deny it, Todd had become a very special person in her life, adopting the role of her best friend, closest confident and the source of much of her comfort and, indeed, joy. Todd was the only person she knew who could make her grin, the only person who she'd let sit shoulder-to-shoulder, the only person who she missed when he was late to sign online or show up for the mall, to which was easily the highlight of every week.

Would she be willing to take the chance of being with Todd, because he seemed to be the perfect compliment to her? Or would it only lead, like so many she'd observed, to pain and hurt? However, for the first time she considered a new factor. That all that pain and hurt might be worth the risk if it meant being with someone who understood her and cared for her like no other person could do.

Gaz took another long gulp of her drink and pushed past a still waiting Dib, even thinking about Todd now was making her feel that odd, squirmy feeling in her stomach and her heart feel slightly tight, almost paining. Her mind whispered the answer as to why she was feeling this way but she didn't want to listen, not right now.

"Gaz?" Dib asked, "What's the matter?"

Gaz blinked out of her thoughts and raised the can to her lips. "I'm… not sure…"

"Not sure?" Dib frowned in confusion, "You're not sure how asexual you are?"

Gaz nodded slowly as she swallowed the last of her coke. "I _know_ I'm asexual, there's _no_ doubt in my mind about that." She sighed and towards the stairs, intent on going to her room. "But I don't know if I still want relationships or not…" She scrunched up her eyes and paused on the first step of the stairs. "Or maybe it's just been too long of a night and it's too early to decide yet. I'm going to take a shower and then collapse for a few more hours, it's meant to be Sunday and I haven't even slept in yet."

Gaz could hear Dib's good hearted laugher even from the top of the staircase. She smiled, it was on these little occasions that she'd allow herself to silently admit, never speak out loud, but silently in her mind admit, that she was glad she had Dib as her brother.

----------

WELL!

Ok, first things first. Ann Beam, reference again to the Indigo Girls, she be the second guitarist and songwriter, she also seems to be more vocal in promoting gay rights than the rest of the band, so I thought it'd be fitting for Izzy to be her fangirl.

The whole Christian thing was something I decided to put in when someone reviewed this and said that not all Christians hate gays and bi's and are given too much bad press, which I agree. Not all Christians are evil, just like not all Islamic people are west hating fanatics or all Buddhists peaceful meditating peeps (yes, that's right, I've SEEN footage of Buddhist monks being violent, kicking ass, taking names… it was shocking indeed).

Anyone notice the Hunter S Thompson reference?

ANNND YEEES, Gaz's feelings on Todd! I hope it's not flufftastic or anything. I tried to keep it in my usual questioning, considering, contemplating kinda style while also trying to get Gaz's rather confused feelings across. I think she's displaying the classic signs I displayed when I realised I'd fallen for someone.

Tis cute isn't it?

Well, chapter 17 should be the Gaz-Todd motherload for all ya'll sitting on the edges of your seats or skull-thrones, waiting for the LUUUVE to begin. Hopefully I'll be able to write something romantic, but not fluffy or "OMG I LUV U!" "OMG I LUV U 2! I NOT BE ASEX NE MORE!" "YAY LETS HAVE SMEX!" cos if I wrote that then I'd shoot myself from the n00bness.

No, the next chapter will be romantic, but I won't be throwing away Gaz's asexuality or even basic non-romantic personality, so zero worries on that.

Anyways, R&R ma peeps, and may the force be with you!


	17. Platonic Romance

WELLITY!

Another FIIINE chapter of goodness coming at yo.

Ok, so, this chapter is full of the sweet romancing goodness that we all either love or hate intensely. I hope you guys actually like it, especially ONE reader whom this is very much dedicated to.

She knows who she is (wink, hug, worship)

Erm, so yea, ONWARDS!

I own nothing!

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Gaz sat, waiting for Squee to sign on. She'd been doing this all day, sitting at her laptop, waiting for him to come online while she remained in stealth mode, not wanting to talk to any of her other online friends, even though she only had Zim, a fellow online gamer called Mandy and Izzy.

It was now approaching nine o'clock and not a single sign of him had been seen. Gaz's cell was still charging but he hadn't tried to ring her again. She wondered if he was ok or if he was regretting saying anything at all.

The teen girl could only speculate what must be going through his mind. Maybe it was the same as hers, a theory which seemed likely due to their intense similarities. She'd had her rest, something to eat, reconciled with her brother. Her schedule was practically free of any interruptions. She now only needed to talk with him, and while she could have easily phoned him at any time by now, she hadn't.

She was waiting for him to take the next step.

She wondered if this was how every potential couple started out, each waiting for the other to make a next move.

She scowled at herself for being such a stupid typical teenager. Waiting for the other one to call first, biting her nails in nervous anticipation for when he signed on and even compulsively bringing up the IM program to see if he was online even though it'd tell her if he'd signed on anyway.

She wondered if this was how everyone else was like when dealing with someone they cared about or if it was just her.

Gaz groaned at herself and shut her eyes, this was getting stupid. She was acting like some typical lovesick teenager instead of using her logic. She took a deep breath, breathed out, and thought clearly.

She knew that even though Todd hadn't been on all day he'd definitely be on sometime soon. She needed to stop obsessing over every second that he wasn't online as it was highly likely Todd was just as nervous about talking to her again as she was. So, logic only stated that he was probably online, and just in stealth mode waiting for Gaz herself to sign on.

She knew he'd be tearing himself up about this. He'd be blaming himself for her phone running out of batteries and he'd be cursing his inability to pick up the phone just to talk to her.

It made sense that she would have to take the first step. After all, the ball was in her court now.

Sighing, she brought up the IM box yet again and motioned the mouse over to the 'status' bar. However, as the program opened up the options to allow her to appear online, she paused, the mouse hovering over the 'online' setting.

She had no idea what was holding her back, but she could feel a tense feeling in her stomach and a sort of tightness grip her whole body.

She scowled at herself again and looked down to her keyboard. She wasn't meant to feel like this! She was Gaz, and Gaz never got scared or worried or tense!

However, Gaz suddenly realised that, for all the times she'd said those words to herself, they were increasingly becoming shallower and shallower. She hated to admit it, and she _really_ did hate to admit it, but she wasn't the strong, stoic Gaz she used to be.

She smiled more, she felt, and showed a wider range of emotions and she was even quite possibly falling for someone. She wasn't as prone as to resort to her fists or use insults or try to argue with people for their opinions.

Gaz didn't know what to blame it on. Maybe it was the soul searching she'd been doing, or the fact she'd come to terms with herself, or the lessons she'd learned along the way. Perhaps it was the effect that Todd had on her, or the fact she'd become closer to Dib.

It was probably because she'd grown up from being an admittedly bratty child into an overtly opinionated and emotional teenager and now she supposed she was becoming a more thoughtful, less temperamental young woman.

Still, despite all the growing up she'd been doing these last few months, it didn't take the fact she honestly preferred being a bratty young girl with nothing to worry about except where she could find some new batteries for her Gameslave.

Life really is sweeter when you're younger.

She looked back up to the screen, the 'online' setting still waiting to be chosen. She took a deep breath, and clicked.

The IM program paused for a second, stupid slow computer, then changed her icon to show she was now available for chat.

The second she went online, literally the very second, Todd send a message to her even though he was still set to being offline. "Gaz!"

"Hi Todd," Gaz quickly typed back as Todd also set himself to appear online. "How are you?"

"I'm good… yourself?" Gaz couldn't help but smile, they'd gotten to the mindless awkward greeting stage.

"I'm… well, to be honest, I'm going insane… er." Gaz smiled again as Todd continued to type out, "We need to talk."

"Yea, we do…" Gaz slowly typed back, biting her bottom lip. "Look, I'm sorry, my phone ran out of batteries, but if you want you can call me now."

"On your house phone or cell?" Todd replied quickly.

"Call me on my home, it'll be cheaper I think," Gaz chuckled to herself as she typed. This was going to be one very interesting phone call.

"Alright, just give me a second to gather myself before I implode from nerves." Todd replied and Gaz chucked again.

Todd never used to be like that, he'd never make jokes about anything. But she'd seen him change, he'd become so much more relaxed, he laughed more, he smiled more, the rings around his eyes had even become less prominent. He'd even mentioned that his doctor had put him on less medication, even commenting at his improved mood and health. Whenever he'd told her of this he'd always smiled in an odd little way, and always looked at her in the eyes, his own lighting up. Even Johnny had offhandedly commented that Todd was being much happier than, well, ever.

Why was it she only realised _now_ that he was telling her it was all because of her influence on him?

Gaz's eye's widened in amusement as she thought about it. Todd always laughed at her jokes, never offended her and always complimented her. They'd never argued over anything, mostly because they agreed on almost everything. Even Gaz had admitted she cared for Todd more than any other person she'd ever met and to imagine a life without meeting him seemed impossibly dark and almost terrifying.

After all, it was through Todd that she'd discovered the word 'asexual' in the first place.

She knew she couldn't be happy without him…

The phone in her room rang, and it took less than a second for Gaz to jump off her chair and rush to the end of her bed, where the phone was kept and pick it up.

There was an odd second silence between the two, then… "Hi."

"Hey." Todd's reply was… hesitant. He was obviously scared of the whole thing; after all, he'd never done this before.

"So…" Gaz replied softly, she was trying not to show that she was just as nervous. She sat down, her back against the soft bed, her legs curled up to her chest and one arm wrapped around them. Her naked feet rested on one another, further showing that she was coiling up into her own world in which only Todd and herself where allowed to exist.

"Yea…" Todd had the same mood of voice and Gaz could tell it was likely he was doing the same thing.

Another pregnant silence. The two where now locked into the moment, completely. Civilisation as they knew it could fall and Jesus himself show up proclaiming the apocalypse and the two teenagers wouldn't have noticed or cared. This moment, this convocation, this feeling was theirs alone and nothing was stopping that.

Gaz was wishing like hell for someone to say something, anything, this was eating her up. She wanted to grin and shout and throw the phone and scream all at once. Impatience, joy, nervousness and a small worry about the phone bill were all smashing around inside her.

"Gaz," she could tell Todd had forced himself to start, "I… I… I don't know where to start…"

Gaz smiled a slow smile that she only kept when she was talking with Todd. "Well… the beginning is always good."

"True," Todd agreed. He was smiling, Gaz could tell. "But, where is the beginning on this?" He sighed, "I think… I think it was the first day we met. That moment when those assholes tried to, well, you know… and when they attacked I jumped to save you. I'd never jumped to save anyone before… I even tried to comfort you."

Gaz remembered that moment well, how could she forget? But now she looked at it in a different light. Instead of seeing it as the time when she'd seen someone murdered for the firs time, she saw it as Todd saving and comforting her afterwards. And once more, she'd let him comfort her… Usually, if someone apart from her family tried to put their hands on her shoulders, or any part of her body, she would have torn them apart. But Todd, on the first day they met, got to sit next to her side by side and even later hold her shoulders to comfort her.

That was something no one else had ever done before…

"You know I've never thanked you for that… for saving my life," She chuckled, "Or at least from being beaten up and electrocuted." She thought it couldn't help to ease a little of the tension.

"It was nothing, really," Todd replied, "You know I always want to protect you from anything."

Gaz giggled at the reply and at the same time she was disgusted at the very girlish and un-Gaz like behaviour, stupid moments of… romance? Was Todd being romantic? She still wasn't sure what was meant to be romantic and what wasn't. All she knew was that every time the two had talked about one another she always told him her feelings directly.

Maybe that was what being romantic was, being truthful about your feelings… probably not. There was probably a hell of a lot more involved in it. For now Gaz decided to just play it by ear and hope it worked out. Telling the truth had worked out well so far, so she figured she should keep doing that.

"And I'd protect you, I tried anyway." She couldn't help but sound sad at the memory as she had indeed failed to properly defend Todd, she'd let the tazer fall into enemy hands.

"Its fine, really, we're still alive, right?" Todd comforted from the other end, "It doesn't matter now, we're fine."

"Yea…" Gaz answered slowly, she then sighed. "So I want to know. What do think about us?"

"Well," Todd said with a hint of hesitation and nervousness. "It was after that day that I realised how truly worried I was for you when all that bad stuff happened… and I couldn't stop missing you, I still miss you during the day."

Gaz smiled again and again cursed herself for being such a girl about this. "You know I miss you too," another truthful statement, Gaz would usually spend most of her time in school wondering what Todd was doing, "But you know, seeing you online or on Saturdays is always, _always_ worth the wait."

Todd sighed on the other end, "You know… since the moment we met I always liked you. I mean, it was like we just clicked instantly…"

"I know," Gaz nodded, "I'd never felt so… impressed with someone before, you were like… I don't know, you came at just the right time in my life."

Again another truth, Todd alone had been there for her, from the very beginning. He was the one who'd looked out for her, respected her decisions and understood her pain. The more she thought about it all, the more she could see how it'd always been him who'd helped her the most. Being there for her at the end of whatever long day she'd had, he was the one person she could always talk to honestly and openly.

"You know, I've never been able to connect with anyone before… not like I can connect with you... I can come to you for anything, and I do. Gaz," he paused, "I tell you everything, you know that right? I don't even talk to Shmee as much anymore because I find more comfort in talking with you."

Gaz smiled again, glad that no one was watching her. "You're the one I come to with my problems as well Todd, you know you mean so much to me. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been there for me." She suddenly chuckled and placed a hand onto her forehead. "Damn it, listen to me, I sound so stupid."

"You don't!" Todd instantly replied, "Really you don't!"

Gaz's head lolled back onto her bed and she looked up to the ceiling. "I do, this isn't like the usual me at all. I'm never this open with anyone or this calm or…" _'This happy, this complete.'_

"You've changed me as well, Gaz." Todd softly answered back, "I know my life is better with you, you've done so much for me without you even knowing about it." She could hear him curl tighter, "You mean everything to me."

"I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be having this convocation if I didn't have some idea of how much I meant to you," Gaz meant to speak with some humour, but it ended up sounding unusually serious.

"Yea… well…" Todd sighed, "I know you probably don't want to hear this at all but I know I have to say it. I've been wanting to say it for so long, it's been digging at my insides, you know?"

Gaz stayed silent. She had only ever, until recently, considered Todd the closest of friends. She thought of him as her ultimate ally, one who would never turn his back on her, someone who'd always be there for her, no matter what.

Todd continued, despite his pause silently acknowledging Gaz's silence. He was starting to sound more stressed now, like it was all starting to bubble to the surface and he was having some trouble controlling his words. "I mean, God, Gaz, you're just… you're everything to me. You've changed me and my life, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I can never tell you that enough." He sighed and then took a deep breath. "Look, Gaz. I… I… I like you. I mean, I really, _really_ like you Gaz." He paused, considering his next line, "More than just a friend."

The words that Gaz had been waiting for, the ones she'd waited almost twenty-four hours straight to hear. The words she should have seen coming from a mile off.

The words that, to Gaz's amazement, where filling her with intense joy.

"And Gaz, I know you're asexual and I know you don't like anyone _that_ way but I had to tell you all this because if I didn't I was going to _explode_ and I know I'm younger than you and not as rich and you're probably going to hate me now and you have all right to but I HAD to say all that because I knew I couldn't have gone on any longer trying to be quiet about the connection we so clearly have with each other and-"

"TODD!" Gaz yelled down the phone, "Please STOP for a second so I can hear myself think!"

"Oh…" Gaz almost laughed at the truly surprised tone of his voice, "Sorry…"

Gaz closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She needed to know what to make of all this, but her mind was racing and exploding with the events unfolding over the phone.

She took a deep breath through her nose and began to apply her always trusty logic to her situation. Ok, first of all, Todd liked her more than a friend, which meant he was probably crushing on her or something. Although, through the way he'd talked about it, it wasn't likely it was _just_ a crush. He sounded like he very dearly cared for her, and she knew already that he did, so perhaps it went further than just a simple crush…

Gaz couldn't deny they had a connection, they clicked and, dare she say it, they complimented each other perfectly. She knew she'd do anything for him, which went without saying. Todd meant far too much to her to ever let her see him in any sort of harm.

But how _much_ did he mean to her?

She decided to make a list of things she liked about Todd. It didn't help when her first thought was 'everything'. A sudden terrible thought crossed her mind. If she liked everything about him, did that mean she wasn't asexual anymore?

The idea of doing anything with Todd seemed insane, disgusting even. Not only was it illegal, but she wouldn't even dream of putting him in such an awkward and potentially relationship-destroying position.

She'd rather just be with him, as a person. She liked him because of the things they talked about, because of the fun they had together playing video games and listening to music. She liked Todd because of the way they could talk about anything, the way she could come to him with any problem and he'd be there for her, comforting and helping her. She knew she liked him, more than anyone else, but did she like him that much?

Was it even possible for her to like anyone that much?

She looked down to her toes. She knew that if she could, she'd want to be with Todd. He of all people would be the one to understand her, to treat her with the understanding and care that she'd ever wanted from someone. Not to mention they got along like so perfectly they actually found it scary sometimes. Gaz couldn't imagine not having Todd with her, the idea seemed… painful, unspeakably painful.

But the idea of being with Todd seemed… good. Very good. Amazingly good. The best idea she'd had all week. Maybe the best idea she'd ever had.

'_Todd and Gaz, Gaz and Todd…'_ she smiled as the idea continued to form in her mind.

It was decided then; she would be with Todd, her most favoured person above all others on earth.

"Gaz?" Gaz jumped, she'd forgotten she was on the phone! The sudden worry at the phone bill came to mind, but she instantly decided that wasn't important right now.

"Oh, sorry, I mean, yes, I mean…" She took a deep breath. "Todd, you're everything to me. You really are. And if you want to take our relationship past that of friends then I'm happy to do so, more then happy, I'd be overjoyed."

Todd exploded with laughter and joyous whoops on the other end. Gaz sat and grinned a huge, happy, silly grin that truly stretched from ear to ear.

"THIS IS AMAZING!" Todd yelped happily down the phone, "THIS IS THE BEST MOMENT OF ANYTHING EVER!"

"It is." Gaz replied calmly, knowing Todd would understand she'd still be unable to truly show her joy, but still meaning it all in her voice.

Todd suddenly calmed down for a second, "So… what would this make us now?"

Gaz's eyes widened. "Well… we're a couple I suppose…"

"What?" Todd must have blinked, "You mean like, boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Yes," Gaz grinned so much it hurt, "We're together as a couple now and I'm so insanely happy that we are."

More sounds of Todd being unnaturally cheerful were heard down the phone and Gaz's cheeks were starting to hurt from the amount of grinning she was doing. She'd never felt so elated before, never felt such a surging feeling of pure joy and happiness rush though her like a bomb had been set of inside her chest.

Todd was again silent on the other end, and Gaz could tell he was judging within himself whether he should speak or not. "Erm, Gaz?"

"Yes Todd?" Gaz smiled, she was already guessing what he was about to say.

"Well, you know…" He seemed to have reverted right back to being his anxiously nervous self again, but there was a hidden joy in his voice. "I mean… is it okay to say I love you?"

'_I love you,'_ the words hit Gaz harder than anything she'd ever felt before. Suddenly, everything she shared with Todd could be summed up and explained. She'd realised something she thought impossible, not only within herself but within humanity as a whole.

Her whole perspective on human life had changed in an instant because of those words.

Gaz smiled down the phone. "Only if it would be okay to say I love you back."

Another truth.

As Todd seemed to explode with joy on the other end, Gaz grinned widely again. She was happy to be asexual and in love at the same time, perhaps to some a walking contradiction, but she knew how she felt.

She loved Todd, but only in a very true, very complete way. She desired not his body, but his mind and his heart, and that was the reason she loved him. He clearly accepted her for who she was, and she accepted Todd for who he was.

She knew, that after all that pain and suffering, after all that confusion and turmoil with both herself and her family and with others, she'd reached the pinnacle of her reward for her hardship.

With Todd by her side, she could face the end of the world and come out victorious. She now had everything she'd ever wanted and she'd come out a new, improved person. And once more, she had a boyfriend!

She couldn't wait to show him off to her brother and her father, who she knew she still had to make up with.

"Look, Gaz," Todd announced, "I have to go now. My mother wants to ring 'some people', so… I'll go back online, ok?"

Gaz nodded, "Alright, I'll see you there."

"I love you," Todd's simple message was so beautiful, so touching, and it was only for her.

If Gaz was any more emotional she might have squeed in joy. "I love you too, Todd." _'I am NEVER going to get tired of saying that.'_

"See you in a few seconds," Todd grinned down the phone, "Bye bye!"

"Bye!" The phone line went dead, and Gaz darted back over to her laptop, sighing in joy as Todd came back online.

Life really wasn't so bad after all.

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ANNND DOOONE!

Yes, ROMANCE is not dead my readers and friends!

So, now it seems like everything is coming up roses for Gaz. The world is A-OK again! But is this the end? Is THIS the last chapter?

Well, no actually.

There is still Membrane to cover, as well as an ACTUAL date! I mean SURE, Gaz is with Todd now, but they haven't actually put anything into practice yet have they? You guys have yet to see asexuality in it's most obvious, when an asexual is on a normal outing with someone who is sexual.

So yes, this is not the last chapter, but it IS close.

And, surprise, surprise, no references apart from 'Mandy', who is Mandy from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy.

So, in all, I think it's a good ol' heart-warming chapter indeed.

As always, R&R fellow fans of frolicking in fan fiction!

Happy Anniversary my dearest one, I love you.


	18. Subtle Signs and Smarts

SO, how ya'll doing out there? Good? That's good.

Well, this chapter is a multi-leveled masterpiece of work. There are a BAZZILION different symbols and meanings in this chapter, it's truly the best chapter ever written ever.

…I joke. It's really nothing but funny filler stuff.

I could say "It's a good break from the seriousness of the last few chapters" but that'd be a big fat lie.

Really, this chapter was part of a bigger chapter, mainly dealing with Todd and Gaz's first date. However, when it got to 8 pages, I realised that it wasn't going to happen.

So I cut all these bits out and put it up as a separate filler chapter with some laughs in it. I think we all need some laughs every now and then. It also features Zim and Dib face-to-face for the first time in this fic, as well as having the whole gang (plus Gretchen) together, so I thought that was nice.

Also, it means that I can make the next chapter, the date chapter, MUCH more in depth and work with my ideas a bit better.

I also don't like a lot of this chapter as it doesn't seem to flow as well as I wanted it to… Sigh, but as its filler, I'll let it slide.

SO, you knows the drill, I own next to nothing apart from ol' Iz.

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All that week, all Gaz could think about was meeting up with Todd again on Saturday, where as he'd put it, 'they could have a real date.'

They planned to go watch the new 'Life of the Mundane' movie. Todd had complained that Brandon Small was directing but Gaz had argued that the writer of the original book, Daria Morgendorffer, would have still had some creative input therefore it was worth seeing just because of that alone.

As the week progressed, Gaz became more and more excited and nervous and as Friday came about, the teenager was on the break of exploding from what seemed like a long week's waiting.

Gaz was currently in art class, working on her portfolio. She was seriously considering taking art when she got to college level, it seemed constantly drawing doodles, videogame character fan art and the odd comic about killing her brother or Zim paid off.

The sky outside was a light perfect blue, only occasionally dotted with the odd formless pure white cloud. The sun itself beamed onto the world, making the classrooms seem stuffy and warm. Perfect weather for lazing around in but the holidays had yet to arrive and so the schools still forced the teenagers to work, even though the laziness of the weather clearly affected the teachers just as much.

It was the kind of day that everyone would wish would end so they could go home and chill for the rest of the predictably warm and sunny weekend.

Gaz couldn't concentrate, despite the nice art-worthy weather. Her mind was bombarded with questions. This, after all, was her first real date, and she had no idea what the hell she was meant to do.

Would Todd want to hold hands? Would she want to hold his hand? What about kissing or saying romantic nothings? What if she sent out the wrong signals to Todd or said something that made him think about her in _that_ way? She couldn't push him away, but she couldn't draw him too close. The line was so tiny she had no idea how to behave around him.

Gaz sighed and closed her eyes in annoyance, she was meant to be paying attention to her art teacher, Miss Jane Lane, but instead all she could do was look out the window or at her paper and think about the nervous anticipation of going on her date with Todd.

It was odd, suddenly being so worried about the whole thing, mainly because she'd been to watch several movies with Todd, so this was nothing odd between them. Yet, now that they were officially a couple, the idea of going anywhere or doing anything with him meant she now had to behave in a certain way.

She had to put forth the effort to be romantic yet she had absolutely no idea how that was meant to work. She did want to be nice with Todd but she knew she couldn't be too nice or he might get the wrong idea, but how nice was too nice? Would he get the wrong idea even though he knew she was asexual?

She sighed again; being asexual in a relationship required a lot of planning.

"Gaz?" the teenager looked up to see her slim, black haired teacher looking down at her with one raised eyebrow, "Why aren't you drawing?"

Miss Lane was one of Gaz's favourite teachers. Her artwork was fantastic and she'd won several awards for it however she taught in Gaz's terrible run down school despite easily having the ability to live off her art. She even knew Daria Morgendorffer as a good friend, which automatically meant she was cool regardless.

What she was doing teaching in this place Gaz would never understand, either way, it was good to have a cool art teacher.

Gaz sighed and looked back to her half-bothered artwork, which was still better than most of the classes artwork anyway. "Nothing, I'm just wondering about stuff."

"Yea, that stuff sure is distracting," Miss Jane chuckled, "I just hope it doesn't get in the way of your art. You're the best in the class you know."

"Thanks," Gaz mumbled at the compliment. "I might try to take it further at college or something."

"I think that would be a great idea, I'd recommend you right away." Miss Lane nodded.

Gaz twitched a smile, "Thanks… but I should move off the fan art and cartoons and make something original."

"Hey, fan art and cartoons are great practice." Miss Lane shrugged, "Original stuff is a lot harder than it looks you know. Either way, I'll happily look over anything you make up."

"Thanks," Gaz mumbled again.

As Miss Lane walked away, Gaz frowned at the paper she was meant to be working on. She had been trying to draw a ninja kicking pirate butt, another thing Dib and herself argued on, but it was still in the sketches stage when it really should have been in the 'adding last details' page.

When the bell finally rang to signal the end of the lesson Gaz, glad for the lunch break, packed all her art stuff away and slung her backpack over her shoulder, quickly heading for the door.

Soon enough, she was sitting down at the usual table, unpacking a sandwich and a can of poop cola. Zim soon sat down across from her, as usual, and surprisingly Dib and Gretchen joined them.

Gaz raised an eyebrow as the couple sat down together. "Don't you usually have band practice or something?"

Gretchen smiled, "It's been cancelled. Teacher broke his leg when a tuba dropped on it."

Zim laughed in a harsh barking laugh, "You humans are so stoopid."

Dib frowned at the alien. "Not as stupid you, space freak!"

Zim quickly held up a fist to Dib, shaking it threateningly, "You're the one who is freakish, with your unnaturally BIG head!"

Dib grasped the sides of his head and automatically yelped, "My head is not big!"

"Yea," Gaz commented through bites of her sandwich, "It is."

"It is not!" Dib quickly commented back. He turned to Gretchen, "Honey, is my head big?"

Gretchen grinned, flashing her braces, and nodded. "Yes it is, dear." Dib looked crushed, but smiled when Gretchen wrapped her arms around him and grinned wider, "But I like your big head, it's cute."

Dib smiled gratefully, "Really?"

"Yes," Gretchen confirmed, "It's one of the many, many things I love about you."

Zim laughed again. "It's not cute, it's stoopid looking."

Dib growled at Zim again, "Shut the hell up green boy," he smiled and looked smug, "I've got a cute big head, so HA!"

"If I wasn't eating, I'd be smashing my head on the table." Gaz dryly commented. "Its times like these I wish Todd would transfer to this school."

Dib grinned wickedly, "Oh yea, you two are an item now. I always though Todd might have something for you."

Dib had met Todd twice on the two occasions the boy had visited their home. The first time Todd had practically hid behind Gaz while she'd introduced him, saying that they met over a gaming site. The second time Todd had said more in the face of Dib's constant babbling about the paranormal, which had ironically been set off by Todd mentioning his neighbour was the one doing all the killings that was being mildly reported in the papers. Dib, it seemed, wanted to get Todd to arrange an interview between Johnny and himself, which Todd was making every excuse not to do.

Gretchen let go of Dib and frowned in confusion, "When did this happen?" Her eyes widened, "I want details!"

Zim also looked puzzled, "What?! I thought the Gaz-beast was asexual?!"

Gaz rolled her eyes, "Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I don't want to go out with people."

Gretchen frowned again. "But… doesn't asexual mean you don't like anyone? That's what Dib told me."

Gaz had left it to Dib to explain it all to Gretchen as the teen knew she would have lost her temper if she had to put up with any more questions about the whole thing.

Dib scratched his chin, "I gotta admit Gaz, you don't exactly sound very strong there."

Gaz sighed and rolled her eyes. "Just because I don't go for the way Todd _looks_, even though he isn't bad looking, doesn't mean I don't love the way he _is_. Get it?"

Gretchen scratched her head. "Todd? Who's Todd?"

"You don't know him," Gaz quickly commented, sipping on her drink again.

"Tell me more about this 'Todd'," Zim narrowed his gaze, "How powerful is he? Does he suspect anything? How did he manage to your mate?"

The whole table stared at Zim for that last question before Gaz's eye twitched and her mouth rose in a slight snarl. "Ok, one, I have no idea what you mean by 'powerful'. Two, he knows all and doesn't care. Three, what the hell?!" She narrowed her gaze. "He's not my 'mate', we don't 'mate', we've never 'mated' and we never will 'mate'. He's just the guy I fell for due to him being extremely great and awesome," She added in a mutter, "Not to mention he understands me better than anyone at this table." Gretchen went to ask something, but Gaz cut her off, "And yes, he knows I'm asexual and he's fine with it."

The table was quiet for a moment before Dib slowly asked, "Is he asexual?"

"No, he's not." Gaz answered, finishing her drink and sandwich.

"Well," Gretchen asked cautiously, "Don't you think that might cause problems down the line?"

Gaz shrugged, "Maybe."

Zim looked like he should be raising an eyebrow, if he had one. "Maybe? You know it will at some point. Humans are always obsessing about doing _that_ all the time. "

"Look," Gaz snapped, "If it does then we'll discuss it like any other problem, but for now I'm not about to do anything that I don't want to do or even don't like. He knows I'm asexual, he's fine with it and he's not the type to do anything assholic like try to make me do _that_."

Dib nodded, "He seems like a cool guy, even if he won't let me meet the wastelock he claims to know," He suddenly frowned, "That reminds me, I gotta go to the S-mart after school."

Gretchen rolled her eyes. "Not to see that Ash Williams guy."

"He's so _awesome_," Dib quickly countered, with a huge grin, "I gotta get all that stuff he said about the army of darkness and the deadites and the necronomicon recorded!" He laughed, "And besides, that dude is _made_ of win and pure manliness!"

Zim looked horrified. "What?! His atoms are created of victory?! I must capture and defeat this 'Ash' being before he finds out about-" he stopped as his eyes flicked onto Gretchen, "About, erm, nothing! Nothing at all!"

Gretchen rolled her eyes and groaned in annoyance. "I know you're an alien, Zim."

"NO YOU DON'T!" Zim quickly barked, snapping a claw-finger to point at Gretchen. "You know NOTHING, kisser-of-Dib!"

Dib pinched the bridge of his nose as Gretchen shook her head slowly. "Zim, you're a complete moron." However, he looked back at the irken quickly asking, "But we're still going watching Scäb next week, right?"

"Of course Dib-stink!" Zim smirked, "I shall make sure to stone out much more efficiently than you!"

Dib chuckled, "Its rock out, not stone out. Although I suppose if you do a bunch of A you could get stoned out."

"You know," Gaz suddenly interrupted, "I don't get you two." She frowned slightly, "One moment you're at each other's throats and the next you're going to thrash metal concerts together."

Dib crossed his arms, "What? Just because we hate each other's guts doesn't mean we can't rock out every now and then."

"Yes, Gaz-human," Zim nodded, "We're not little smeets after all."

Gaz looked dumbfounded before Gretchen looked over to her and understandingly said, "Don't worry, I don't get it either."

Gaz shut her eyes tight. "I'm surrounded by morons."

The rest of the day seemed to go by in no time and before she knew it she was already sitting at her laptop, text box opened with Todd and another with Izzy. Music bounced out of her plug-in speakers with a slight crackle, a reminder to the girl to ask her father for some new ones.

The sun was slowly setting in the background, behind her window and hidden by her blinds. Gaz's room never really got much sunlight, just like the girl herself, but the day's constant lazy warmth was still felt. The dull musky gloom of the teen's room infected everything, giving everything a greyish, boring kind of shine.

But that was the way Gaz liked her room. She wasn't a fan of sunshine and light, preferring to hide her room away in shadows. The posters of metal and goth bands added to the darkness, and the artificial light of the laptop screen reflected on the teen's pale skin.

"How can you stay in so much?" Izzy typed to Gaz, "You're staying in on a Friday night? Why?!"

"Because I don't like going out," Gaz typed back with a small smile. "I like staying inside. Is that really such a crime?"

Todd's message box suddenly lit up, but Gaz ignored it for a moment while she finished talking with Izzy.

"You're crazy. Hermit girl." Izzy typed back. "I should take you out someone sometime, you'll enjoy it."

"What?" Gaz quickly replied, "And get surrounded by lesbians trying to convert me? No thanks."

"Whatever girl," Izzy replied again, "I gtg, so cya later. Oh and enjoy tomorrow with your BOYFRIEND, even though boys SUCK!"

"I shall!" Gaz smirked back at the screen, "You go enjoy your GIRLS!"

"Oh don't worry, I will!" Izzy laughed back, "OK gtg cyabye!" And with that the girl logged out.

Gaz chuckled silently and clicked to close the IM box and use her mouse to bring up Todd's convocation.

"Ok," he'd typed, "What movie and what time?"

Gaz rolled her eyes, "Daria movie and at two, I've told you all this about a million times already."

"I know, I just wanted to make sure." Todd quickly answered back. "I hope you know I'm as nervous as… something very nervous here."

Gaz chuckled and grinned. "I'm nervouser."

"Nervouser?" Todd typed back, obviously smiling himself, "Well I'm Nervous McNerves."

"Nice to meet you," Gaz giggled at the screen before trying to become more sober again. "But seriously, I just want everything to go well."

"I'm sure it will." Todd comforted, "First date ever though… God damn I'm nervous."

"Hey, come on," It was now Gaz's turn to provide the comfort, "It'll be great. Really. Nothing bad will happen and even if something bad DOES happen we'll be able to deal with it because we'll be together." Gaz smiled, "It's not like I'm going to let anything ruin this, not in the slightest."

Just as Todd was replying, Gaz took the chance to change the band on her media player. The box flashed, telling her he'd replied.

"I'm not going to let anything bad happen either, I just want everything to go as perfect as possible, you know?" Gaz smiled again. Todd was so sweet when he got like this.

"Perfection is impossible," Gaz answered, "But that doesn't mean this won't go awesomely well."

"Agreed," Todd nodded on the other end, "Just… yea, I want this to go as well as it can. I wouldn't want anything to spoil our first date." As Gaz went to type an answer, Todd quickly added, "brb."

"kk." Gaz typed, deciding to take the change to go get a drink herself, she added, "brb too."

She paused her music and waited a minute for her laptop to move onto it's screensaver for security, despite the password lock and the fact that no one entered or went on her laptop anyway.

Gaz than got up and walked downstairs slowly, her mind thinking over and over about how she should act on this date. She couldn't act as normal, or Todd would think she wouldn't care about them now being a couple, but she didn't want to act all over him because it make freak him out and give him the wrong idea. Although, she had no intention of acting all over him anyway, she knew she would have to do some things to show him how she felt about him.

When she walked into the kitchen, she was surprised to see Dib sitting on the worktop with the coffee maker boiling beside him.

Gaz frowned at her brother. "Aren't you going out tonight?"

"No," Dib shrugged, "Gretchen is coming over in a bit though, why?"

"Doesn't matter," Gaz turned her back on him and looked into the fridge for a drink.

There was a moments silence before Gaz, without even thinking before hand, suddenly asked. "What was your first date like?" The question was directed at no one and she had no idea why she'd even asked it.

However, that didn't mean Dib wouldn't answer it, "What?!"

Gaz blinked suddenly realising what she'd done and turned to her brother, "Nothing, doesn't matter, forget it."

"What was my first date like?" Dib looked shocked then smirked cunningly, "Are you _nervous_?"

"_No_, of course not, don't be stupid," Gaz commanded but her voice was betraying her.

Dib pushed himself from the counter. "Hey, its fine, I was nervous too you know."

"I'm _not_ nervous," Gaz growled back, "I'm not."

Dib smiled, "Well in that case I'll just shut up then."

"Good." Gaz folded her arms and Dib did the same. She looked away, but she could feel Dib smiling knowingly at her. After about ten seconds of silence Gaz finally looked back venomously to Dib, who was still smiling.

She growled and tightened her crossed arms before finally snapping. "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"I wasn't saying anything!" Dib replied innocently.

"For once," Gaz mumbled, she then sighed and looked down, uncrossing her arms. "Alright _fine_, I'm nervous, happy now?!"

"Yes," Dib nodded, but at Gaz's furious look he quickly added, "But, you know, it's ok to be nervous. I mean, you just want everything to go okay and stuff, right?"

"Yea," Gaz looked away, "But…"

"But what?" Dib asked, his expression softening.

"You wouldn't get it." Gaz shook her head.

"No, come one, what is it?" Dib questioned further.

"Nothing, really, you wouldn't get it." Gaz turned her back, wanting to escape to the safety of her room.

"Come on," Dib followed her out the room, "Tell me!"

"FINE!" Gaz stopped just at the first step of the stairs. "I don't know how to act!"

"Act?" Dib raised an eyebrow. "That's it?"

Gaz growled, "See, I told you, you wouldn't get it."

"No, no," Dib put his hands up, "I get it. I get it completely, not knowing how to act is a nightmare on a first date."

"Yea, but you're not asexual!" Gaz frowned back, "It's not a matter of 'should I hold his hand or not', it's more complicated!" She sighed, "I don't wanna send out the wrong signal, yet I wanna show him I care." Gaz put her hand on her forehead and growled to herself, "It's so stupid."

"Well… hum," Dib placed a hand under his chin in thought. "Well… All I can say is act natural. I mean, that's what I do and it works well for me."

"But my natural instinct is to act like he's just a normal friend." Gaz answered back with a lower tone of voice, "And in that case he might think I don't care."

"Well," Dib took in a small breath, "Don't get mad… but if he really likes you he should stick with you anyway. I mean, he knows you're asexual right? So he must have already prepared to adjust to your, erm, _toned down_ behaviour."

Gaz raised an eyebrow at Dib's choice of words, but then sighed and looked away, "I suppose you're right, maybe…" she turned and began walking back up the stairs, "Thanks for trying anyway."

When she got back to her computer, cursing herself for not actually getting a drink, she noticed Todd had returned.

"Back." She quickly typed out.

"YAY!" Todd replied, "GLOMP!"

Gaz smiled, "TY and GLOMP to you too!" She really wanted to break into the subject that was clouding her thoughts, but she couldn't just come right out and ask. She had no idea what Todd would say but she knew she had to say something or, come tomorrow, she'd end up being the one to ruin everything. "Todd? There's something I need to ask, about tomorrow…"

"What?" She could tell he was immediately worrying again.

"I just… I need to know how you want me… or expect me to act." Gaz winced at the awkwardness of that sentence and decided to quickly add, "Like, should I hold your hand or hug your or anything? Because I'm still asexual, Todd, and it's just that I don't want to appear anything otherwise to you because I don't want you to get the wrong idea and then get hurt or something."

There was a notable pause, probably from shock, and then the IM box told Gaz that Todd was typing his message out.

She checked on all her open webpage's while he did, not really caring what was on them, rather just fiddling about until Todd actually sent his message.

Her mind wondered. She had no doubt he wouldn't be angry, not her Todd, but his reply would still interest her on the basis of how romantic he'd want her to be. He was practically about to dictate the terms on how publicly together they would be.

She was, deep inside, a little scared. She could do holding hands and she could do hugs, those weren't much of a problem for her. But kisses? She hadn't kissed someone for a very long time; she'd practically forgotten what it even felt like.

Dare she say it, she was out of practice.

The idea of being that close to anyone right now scared her, mainly because she was now so unused to it. However, should Todd ask… then she probably would kiss him.

She just hoped Todd remembered to keep his boundaries.

His message popped up, and a small ringing sound alerted her from her speakers. Immediately her mouse flew to click onto the IM box and her eyes travelled over the words.

"Gaz, I will do only what you want me to do," She sighed, Todd wasn't demanding anything of her, "I just want to be with you, and I'm not going to do anything that might chase you away."

Gaz bit her lip, but also smiled softly. It was reasons like this she loved Todd. "Well… I can hold your hand and hug you if you want." She replied gingerly.

"I'd be happy with that," Todd quickly answered back, "Just being with you and seeing you happy is always good enough for me."

Gaz smiled again, she had no idea where Todd got all these sweet romantic lines from, but either way she still loved him for them.

However, she had to breach the subject, the biggest worry of them all. "Well… what about kissing?" she looked at the sentence a moment, not yet ready to tap the enter key and send it to Todd's eyes.

A small argument erupted inside Gaz's mind. One side telling her to ignore it, delete the sentence and just act like the idea never entered her mind. The other side was reminding her that keeping things like this from Todd would mean bad things might happen along the line, and she really didn't want that.

Taking in a small breath, she pressed down on the enter key and send the message, telling herself that this was probably the best option; she couldn't risk losing Todd over something like this.

This time, Gaz didn't even click on other things to waste any time, she kept her eyes locked onto the IM box.

Todd's message appeared silently. "Gaz, I know you must be anxious about this whole thing but remember, I'm not exactly an expert in all this myself. You're my first true love and I've never actually kissed anyone before anyway but I am willing to wait as long as you want to." He then added, "I'm in no hurry to rush into anything, I don't want to wreck what we have, I love you too much to lose you."

'_Damn I love that boy,'_ Gaz thought with a grin. "Thanks so much… I really have no idea what I'd do without you Todd."

"I don't know what I'd do without you either," the other teen replied.

"I can't wait for tomorrow," Gaz typed back, "It's going to be the best day ever."

----------

WELL!

I know you all hated that, because I know I did! Everyone was OOC, nothing read well and it was probably full of mistakes. It also ended stupidly and was full of crappy stupidness.

But at least I loaded it full of references.

Mainly, DARIA! I loves that show, MAN I would SO by it on DVD if it came out.

Second, EVIL DEAD! For those in the know, I'm a BIG BIG Evil Dead/Bruce Campbell fan, so he had to be here sooner or later as Ash Williams, fighter of the Evil Dead and all-round ALPHA MALE.

Remember kids, shop smart, shop S-mart!

Thirdly, HOME MOVIES! I love that show, as well as any Brandon Small humour, so that was definitely going in there. The Scäb thing is also from Home movies, tis a band in the show who do the Franz Kafka rock opera! Seriously, look it up on youtube, it's AMAZING.

So, yep, next chapter will be much better than this pile of rubbish. I hope I did make some of you smile though, because I did want to put in some more jokes from all the SERIOUSNESS that was paramount in the other chapters.

Well, hope yee didn't burn from the terror of this chapter, and remember kids, R&R!


	19. How to Hold Hands Properly

SHOCK! HORROR! SURPRISE!

I update FAST don't I? Yup, I'm sure you can finally brush off those cobwebs and detach yourself from your chair to finally click this up and read it.

You know, cos I'm sure you guys haven't moved an inch since last time I updated. You just been sitting there… waiting waiting for an update… yup.

Ahem, anyways, this chapter was beginning to get TOO long, and I realised I needed to update soon before you guys all get sick of me and leave.

So I cut the home bit away and decided to make this stand-alone, although I'm unsure if it can really hold it's own as a stand-alone chapter.

Date chapters are HARD to write, I mean DUDE(ETTE'S), I dunno what the hell it is about em but I've never had as much trouble trying to write something like when I was writing this.

Erm… so yea, just sit back and chill mon peeps, big up to yo mothers and all that.

I own nowt.

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Gaz stood, waiting awkwardly, leaning on the wall of the cinema. The sky above was patchy, but pleasant enough for the day, yet it hinted at an ending summer and the creeping ageing affect of autumn.

She was wearing an armless black dress with slight frills that ended above her knees. She also wore a light and dark striped purple long sleeved top under her dress which almost draped over her hands. She had a pair of black and dark purple striped leggings and her favourite heavy metal boots. Around her waist she had a loose hanging sliver studded belt and she had her usual old backpack hanging from her left shoulder.

A small breeze blew but Gaz didn't shiver, although she knew Todd would be doing so, he could shiver on the hottest day of the year if there was a wind blowing.

People walked past her, usually in twos and threes, rarely on their own, as people went into the cinema next to her, the automatic doors swishing open and closed. Inside she could hear the sounds of different screens playing different movie trailers, but her attention was focused on the street itself.

She checked her watched for the hundredth time; it was only about thirty seconds since she last checked it. Gaz cursed herself for being so stupid.

This was a date, it wasn't like she was taking a driving test or going to some job interview. It was just her and Todd, watching a movie, probably laughing about how crappy it was afterwards, walking around for a bit, maybe shopping, then home. That was all that was happening. Well, except for the holding hands and the romance and the possible kissing.

Gaz frowned at herself; she shouldn't be complicating all this. Todd told her to act natural. However, she'd soon realised that it was a lot harder than it sounded. She wanted to act nicer to him that usual, she wanted to show him how much he meant to her and how much she really loved him.

But she'd never actually done any of this before. Practice made perfect, which meant messing it up a whole lot of times before finally getting it right. She didn't want to mess it up with Todd, she wanted to get it perfect.

'_Damn it, it's just a god damn movie!'_ She mentally growled, _'Nothing life changing! Just a movie with Todd!'_

She sighed and admitted to herself, she was nervous, very, very nervous, more nervous than she'd been in a long time.

'_Stupid lovable Todd, making me all anxious,'_ She half scowled half grinned, _'I'm probably worrying over nothing. This will go fine, I just have to be myself with him and everything will go fine.'_

She sighed and the butterflies in her stomach died down slightly. She suddenly wanted a nice cold high-in-sugar drink but she didn't want to move from fear of missing Todd.

Gaz looked around looking up and down the street and through the large car park but she still couldn't see Todd or even Johnny's terrible car. She sighed, it didn't matter, Todd had that odd gift of being able to just materialise out of nothing no matter where they where. Gaz couldn't really admit it to Todd but sometimes he spooked her out and she sometimes worried that he was becoming more and more like Johnny. However, his saving grace was his complete lack of anger and secure gasp on reality, he'd may sometimes show traces of a deeper anger or show an uncanny knack for handling weapons and moving silently, but his heart was good and his intentions never harmful.

One thing Gaz knew was a problem for Todd was Shmee, that bear was… well something was wrong with it. She hated it and she was sure it hated her back, especially as Todd was leaving it home more and more since meeting Gaz.

The girl smiled, she enjoyed thinking she'd helped him overcome something that had been plaguing him since an early age. He'd told her about when he'd been locked up for a whole year about it. He'd tried to co-operate, but nothing worked. In the end he faked it all, having no more panic or anxiety attacks and they'd believed him, letting him out of the hospital and making him walk several miles to home.

"My poor Todd," Gaz half-whispered to himself, "Having to suffer for so long without me being there for him…" she suddenly realised she was talking to herself and quickly shut her mouth. She didn't want to pick up on Dib's annoying habits.

"Gaz?" The girl's head turned quickly and then her eyes widened to see Todd standing right next to her, clutching the strap for his worn out satchel-bag. His big wide dark brown eyes instantly telling her he was as nervous as she was but also intensely happy and glad to see her.

It was times like this that Gaz almost forgot that Todd was only sixteen years old, even though he was just about an inch higher then Gaz now and was even beginning to sprout one or two facial hairs on his chin. He was really starting to mature in his looks and body shape, which meant from the time Gaz met him to this point now, she'd notice summer growth spurt from a childish looking teenager to a much more mature looking young man but with still a hint of that scared little boy in him. She guessed he'd always look very young in his eyes.

He was wearing black pants, all star shoes and a long sleeved black top with a beige t-shirt over it featuring a picture of a smiling rotting zombie giving the thumbs up and the words 'Brains! Good for what ails ya!' printed above and below the zombie.

Gaz knew that if she was any different she would have considered him rather attractive looking, and while she knew she should be thinking that, the idea never really crossed her mind except only as a stand-off observation. She liked him for his personality, not his looks.

Still, she couldn't help but feel a dash of pride knowing her boyfriend wasn't bad looking.

Todd smiled nervously, "H-h-hi Gaz." For a second, it looked like he was judging his next move, then he held out his arms.

Gaz quickly embraced him, happy to finally with the person she loved so much, "Hi Todd."

The two held each other in a very natural, calm and loving way. He world around them seemed to drop away and for a moment, it was only the two of them, arms held lovingly around each others thin bodies, Gaz's head resting just slightly on Todd's shoulder.

Gaz realised why people must like hugging so much, it was comforting and nice and loving when with someone who truly meant something to you.

They finally let go, allowing the world to return to existence around them.

Todd was grinning but he bit his lip and he looked away, "You're looking… good." His eyes widened and he looked back to Gaz panicking, "But not in a, erm, _that_ way! I just mean…" He gulped, "Oh crap I'm messing this up so much."

"You're not messing anything," Gaz smiled, "And don't worry, you look good as well."

Todd blushed and smiled, "Really?" It was odd seeing this maturing young man act so much like a kid.

Gaz nodded, "Yes, really," She chuckled, "Now come on or we'll be late for the film."

Todd nodded and walked up beside Gaz, who kept her arms in her pockets. Todd seemed to do the same, although he did seem to show a touch of disappointment but quickly went back to smiling happily at Gaz.

The two walked into the cinema, through the swishing doors and under the blast of warm air that hugged them upon entering. They manoeuvred past the groups of people and got in line for the shortest queue.

After a few moments of waiting and small talk about what they'd heard about the Daria movie, they approached the ticket clerk, who was a twenty-something looking woman at an average height, a slim, athletic looking build and long black hair. She was wearing a red and white uniform of the cinema, but one could spot that she was wearing a black skirt instead of pants.

Her name tag read 'Mandy' and she looked at the two with a bored, tired expression. "Yar?" She spoke with a polish accent, but it was clear she had no trouble speaking English.

"Two tickets to Life of the Mundane please." Todd asked rather politely.

Gaz raised an eyebrow. "You're not paying for me."

Todd looked to her and his eyes widened again, "But… we're on a date! I should pay!"

Gaz shook her head, "I still want to pay for my own ticket."

"But, but…" Todd tried to argue, "But this is, like, manners and stuff!"

"I don't mind paying for my own ticket," Gaz put her hand into her pocket, searching for a five dollar bill that she was sure was in there.

"Gaz, come on," Todd smiled at the girl, "Please? Lemmie pay?"

Gaz rolled her eyes and sighed at her boyfriend but also smiled, "Alright. But I buy the drinks."

"Agreed," Todd laughed, causing Gaz to laugh to, before turning back to the bored looking clerk. He coughed and said, "Two tickets to Life of the Mundane."

"You already asked me," Mandy replied, "Agh, whatever." As she brought up the tickets she mumbled, "Czy ta pierdolona robota się kiedyś skończy?"

Todd raised an eyebrow at the phrase and looked to Gaz, who only shrugged.

"I'll go get some drinks," The teenage girl replied and turned out of the line, walking towards the refreshments bar.

'_So far so good,'_ She thought as she asked the teenaged clerk for two poop colas. The clerk was an obvious goth, a thin scrawny build with the full pale skin, black makeup under one eye as well as a large shock of spiky red hair. But it looked silly when combined with his work uniform, a bad clash of personal and professional styles.

He obviously didn't enjoy his job and when he turned back to Gaz, she spotted his nametag read 'Jack'. He looked about Dib's age and she was sure she'd seen him somewhere before but she brushed it off as Todd walked back over to her.

"Ok, got the tickets," he grinned, "Want to go sit in now and make fun of the adverts?"

"Sure," Gaz replied, silently eager to sit down after standing for so long outside.

"Hey, pay for drinks first," Jack grumbled.

Gaz wordlessly glared at the clerk as she handed over her money and waited for the change.

The clerk mumbled something about how evil geniuses shouldn't have to get part time jobs and handed Gaz her change. The couple then proceeded to find the theatre the film was being shown in and took two seats at the back near to the right corner. Unsurprisingly, the theatre was rather empty save a few people but the two quietly agreed that they preferred it this way, less people meant less noise with meant better movie watching.

However, as the two sat down onto the oddly comfortable seats, a sudden awkwardness set in. Gaz tried to keep the mood light by making some jokes about how, in the news, Umbrella corp. was buying everything up and taking over the world, but it seemed like Todd wanted to say something, yet he could only look to his hands and up to the adverts to joke about them or fill his mouth with the straw of his drink.

Gaz raised an eyebrow at him, "Todd? What's the matter?"

He looked startled, but quickly re-gained his composure, or at least he thought he did but he only managed to look even more suspicious. "Nothing, I'm just… you know…"

"No, I don't know," Gaz replied with a soft voice she only used for Todd, "Come on, tell me, what's wrong?"

"Well…" Todd looked down and sighed, "It's just… I never really thought this would happen, you know?" He looked up to her eyes, "With you being asexual, I thought I'd never even get past admitting how much I love you to you." He smiled slowly, "And for you to feel the same back… for us to be doing all this now… it's just." He chuckled lightly, "It's really, really good."

Gaz smiled at the teenage boy, "Hey, you know I never thought I'd ever be doing this either. It's kind of a shock to even be on a date, never mind be on a date with someone as awesome as you."

Todd blushed, "Thanks." He grinned, "You're pretty awesome yourself, you know."

Gaz chuckled and leaned back in her seat, "Naa, you're more awesome than I am."

"No way," Todd laughed as the awkward air vanished, "You're like, the mega awesome."

Gaz was about to reply, but the advert suddenly went off and the room darkened quickly, signalling the beginning of the trailers to upcoming movies and eventually the start of the movie itself.

Most of the trailers where rather uninteresting and boring looking, apart from one very creepy and gothic looking film called 'The Vanity Fair', which was about a bunch of sideshow freaks lead by some fire-breather .

Both Gaz and Todd agreed to check it out once it was released.

The lights became even dimmer and the movie finally began to show, Gaz sunk slightly lower into her seat to get comfortable and linked her fingers across her stomach with her elbows resting on seats arms.

So far this wasn't so bad; it was just like a normal outing, except she didn't have to buy her own ticket. Maybe having a boyfriend wouldn't be as difficult as she thought, even if she was desireless for him.

She thought about what Dib had said sometime in the past, _'When you get one, you just make it work… because you want to spend time with each other, so staying together is easy.'_ She could hardly believe that Dib, for once, was right about something. She turned to look at her boyfriend, her boyfriend, who was busy watching the movie, and she smiled.

She wanted to be with Todd, so she knew they would last regardless of how either of them interpreted their feelings for one another. The most important thing was that they loved one another and with that alone their relationship was valid.

She couldn't recall the name of the guy who'd said it, but the words that popped into her mind, in all their clichéd cheesy glory, in all its unbelievable simplicity, rang true. She looked back to the screen and whispered, "All you need is love."

"Mmm," Todd mumbled turning his head, then is eyes, to Gaz, "You say something Gazzy?"

"Nothing," She hissed back. She paused then frowned at Todd. "Gazzy?"

Todd shrugged and smiled nervously, "What? We can't have nicknames for each other now we're together?"

"Well I don't want to call you Squee, I know you hate that." Gaz chuckled and scratched her chin, "And Zim's stupid robot calls me Gazzy, so I'd rather not be called that either."

Todd chuckled and smiled, "Well, alright then, I'll try to think of something if you do the same."

"Let's just watch the movie first," Gaz grinned back.

About one hour later the final credits began rolling and the couple stretched out of their seats, wincing slightly as the lights returned to complete brightness again.

Walking back out of the theatre Todd stuffed his hands into his pockets, "I can't believe they put a musical number in there, I mean, what the hell Small?"

Gaz shook her head, "I know but at least the overall plot was good this time."

"I wouldn't say it was Oscar worthy performances though," Todd muttered as they threw away their empty drinks, "Maybe an Emmy or something."

As the two walked out, the paused for a moment to observe a very small girl with blond hair shouting up at the cinema clerk, Mandy, about how she was clearly old enough to go see the Daria film. Next to her another kid, a boy with a black and white striped shirt, stood nervously while the girl yelled about her being the rich and famous 'Zimadonna' and how she'd sue them for height discrimination.

The moment they got outside, Gaz stopped and stuffed her hands into her pockets. "Well what do you want to do now?"

Todd paused and looked around before shrugging. "I dunno… what do people usually do after going to the movies?"

"Erm," Gaz chuckled, "Get something to eat?"

Todd laughed, "Alright then, but not at Mooby's because it sucks."

Gaz frowned, trying to think of somewhere half-decent the two could go. "Hum… what about… Eat or Die?"

Todd raised an eyebrow. "Is that place still open? Wow, I would have at least thought the place closed up by now, what with the death threats and all."

"Whatever," The older teen girl shrugged, "It's still a good enough place to eat. Besides, after seeing all that pizza in that movie I feel the need to eat something noodle-shaped."

Todd laughed and grinned, "Noodle-shaped!"

"Well," Gaz half-frowned half-smiled, "Lets go before we starve to death."

She turned to begin walking, but she saw Todd falter for a moment. He looked away, that familiar emotion of nervous hesitation entering his wide dark eyes. He's hands rose up and began to tangle and untangle nervously.

The girl blinked. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing!" Todd looked back up to, smiling but his eyes betraying him, "Nothing at all. Come on lets go."

He began striding forwards, Gaz walking easily by his sides but her eyes locked onto his anxious face. She could tell he was thinking intensely about something, the urge to speak his mind out loud was all over him. But he couldn't, and he wouldn't. She knew that unless she asked, he'd never say a word; he'd just lock up and miss out on his chance only to severally beat himself up about it afterwards.

It was one of his great character flaws, a fear of failure backed by his self-hatred. It'd destroy him, and indeed it had been doing so for years, unless Gaz motivated him and constantly reminded him that whatever happened, she'd be behind him and never abandon him. She was never personally burdened by it, nor did she hate Todd for it, she'd support him no matter what he did and she would always support him.

After all, she loved the guy. She couldn't hate Todd, not even for the universe.

"Todd," Gaz spoke with a softness that could only be produced around the boy, "What's the matter?"

"Wha?" Todd looked shocked, his wide eyes going even wider, which never ceased to amaze Gaz. "Oh, erm, nothing! Just… just nothing, you know?"

"You know you can tell me anything," Gaz twitched a smile, "Come on? What is it?"

"I, erm, I… can…" He bit his lip and stopped walking, his head held down but his eyes looking to her. "Can I, erm, just, you know… hold your hand?" He immediately shut his eyes and braced for the, expectedly bad, answer.

Gaz blinked and unconsciously closed her hand up. Her heart skipped for a moment. Todd wanted to hold her hand, and she said she'd be fine with it. But in person, it was so much harder to do.

She felt nervous, what if she didn't hold his hand right? What if he didn't like it and let go? When should she let go? How tight should she hold it?

She looked down for a moment, cursing herself. She knew that it would please Todd immensely, and he'd probably understand if she wasn't very good at it. Besides, in her own way she wanted to hold his hand. To her, it seemed a very close thing to do, a sign that they where linked together. Slowly she held her hand out and looked back up to Todd.

She smiled. "Sure."

Todd's eyes flew open and his face was the picture of overjoyed shock. "Really?"

She nodded. "We're a couple. Couples hold hands. It's only natural."

Todd blinked. "But… are you comfortable with this? I mean, I know you said online you would be but… are you sure?"

Gaz nodded again, "Yes I'm sure. Holding hands is still one of the few close things asexuals can enjoy, at least for me anyway."

Todd slowly smiled, "Alright. But just so you know, I'm happy you're doing this for me."

His hand stretched out and took hers, his fingers genteelly linking with hers, softly enough to be comfortable yet tight enough to not let go. The action instantly caused Gaz to draw herself closer to her boyfriend until they were almost shoulder-to-shoulder.

"I'd do anything for you," Gaz replied as she enjoyed the comfortable closeness, "You know that."

"And I'd do anything for you." He grinned. "Damn I love you so much."

Gaz chuckled as they began walking again, their hands still holding together. "I love you too! But if we stand around being romantic any longer I'm going to starve!"

"Agreed," Todd nodded, "I'm starting to hear my belly complain."

Gaz frowned without seriousness. "I'm surprise it can complain, considering how skinny you are."

"Speak for yourself!" Todd countered, "You're all skin and bones!"

The gentle argument continued between the two until they finally reached their chosen restaurant. A small place sided by two much larger restaurant buildings.

Eat or Die was unique in the way that the whole service was completely without any people there to serve you, unless perhaps the cooks in the kitchen and the faceless voice over the order intercom placed on the tables.

The place was decorated in a cold metallic grey, with open wires and neon lights hanging from the roof. The walls where covered in posters and stickers for underground bands and websites, giving the place an air of discarded and decaying youth. There where permanent stains on the walls. The place dealt only in Chinese foods, and an undeniable smell of oriental spices and cuisines circulated thought the air, greeting and yet simultaneously assaulting the senses.

The two teens sat down at a table situated against the only window, which overlooked the busy street. As they did so, they separated from each others side's to sit across from each other, which meant Gaz finally let go of Todd's hand. A tiny part of her was glad to have her hand back but a bigger part was sad because she'd let go. She rather enjoyed holding Todd's hand.

Silently shaking the feel off, Gaz pressed the intercom button situated on their table and ordered some chicken chow main while Todd ordered chicken chop suey.

"Chicken is good," Todd grinned, drumming his fingers on the table, "Especially in chop suey sauce."

Gaz frowned, "I've no idea how you eat that stuff. It's completely overstuffed with vegetables."

"Well," Todd shrugged, "I'm not a noodle fanatic like you."

Gaz chuckled, "But noodles rock!"

Todd laughed and leaned back, sighing and smiling at Gaz who smiled back. "Well," The boy announced, "For a first date this is going rather well."

Gaz nodded, "It is more fun than I thought it'd be. I mean, I expected it to be fun but I thought I'd have to do all those stupid things you see in date movies." She snickered, "Lesson learned, don't trust movies."

"Speaking of which, I wish to hear what you really thought about Small's directing of that movie," Todd leaned forward with a real interest showing in his eyes, "Come on, I know you must have thoughts about it."

"Well," Gaz scratched her chin, "I don't think that cutting scene was any good… I've read the book and there's no cutting scene."

"It wasn't even that realistic," Todd nodded slowly, "I mean, what the hell was with all that bleeding, and a bandage?!" He smirked and shook his head, "Rubbish."

Gaz's eyes suddenly widened. "Hey… you know, speaking of cutting, you haven't shown me your arm lately."

Todd's eyes widened in surprise, "Well… I dunno… we just stopped talking about it…" He smiled, "I completely forgot about cutting actually. Ever since I began feeling for you…"

"Well, can I see your arm anyway?" Gaz smiled as she grasped her own arm. "I haven't cut in a long time actually. Ever since I came to terms with myself, you know?"

Todd nodded and drew back his left sleeve to show an arm covered in white scars, but no fresh cuts, not even one remotely close. Gaz did the same, showing she too hadn't cut in a long time.

The couple smiled at each other and replaced their sleeves.

"I'm so glad I met you," Todd said quietly, "Without you I'd still be full of pain and still be alone."

"I'd still not know why I'm asexual, or even have anyone to talk to," Gaz counted, sharing Todd's quiet voice, "I can't imagine my life without you."

"Same here," Todd looked on to Gaz with soft eyes and moved to prop up his head with one hand, his elbow resting on the table. "God, you're amazing. Thank you for being you."

"Thank you for being _you_," Gaz grinned in reply, "You're the one who changed my life."

"Only after you changed mine!" Todd laughed back.

The intercom suddenly announced that their food was ready and Todd darted out his seat to go pick them up before Gaz could even offer to go herself. She knew Todd was trying to treat her nice, so she let him carry the two plates over and set them down before he quickly tucked into his own food like it was about to be taken away at any second.

Gaz shook her head slightly, but she knew Todd never really ate a real meal at his own home, so she let him consume his chop suey while she quietly ate her own chow mein.

Evidently, Todd was finished before Gaz was only halfway though her meal. He slid back slightly in his seat and sighed. "Well that was nice."

"Considering you ate it like it was going out of fashion," Gaz commented before putting some noodles into her mouth. She chewed, swallowed, and added, "But don't worry, I understand why."

Todd sighed slightly and looked down at the empty plate. "It'll probably be the best meal I'll have in a while. My own cooking is hardly any good."

"Why don't you eat more at mine?" Gaz asked quickly. "I'd love if you came to dinner."

Todd blushed, "Well, I mean, it's your house and just… you know…" he smiled nervously, "Really?"

"Of course," Gaz chuckled as she stabbed a piece of chicken, "It'd be fun." She ate her chicken piece and added, "You could even come over right now if you want. It's not like we've got anything better to do for the rest of the day."

Todd's eyes widened, "That'd be _awesome_! I mean," He caught himself as Gaz chuckled lightly, "If you don't mind or anything like that…"

The girl smiled, "Todd. You're my boyfriend whom I love and adore. Of _course_ you can come to my house!"

"But, what about your dad?" Todd asked quietly, but within the same moment he looked down at the table, "Oh, I'm sorry, I keep looking for all the bad things…"

"No, it's fine," Gaz assured him, "Really its fine you brought him up." She sighed. "Well I guess he'd have to meet you sometime. It might as well be now…"

"I know you're not on good terms right now," The boy replied slowly, "I don't want him to cause any trouble with you… I only want to see you happy."

"Don't worry," Gaz twitched a small smile at him as she finished the last of her noodles, "He can't do anything to me if you're there with me. With you I'm invincible."

Todd grinned, "You're really awesome, you know that?"

----------

WOOP!

Romantic as HELLS YEAH, you knows it FOO.

Ahems, yes, so, CHAPTER OVER FOR NOW! Next chapter will be chapter 20, and therefore, the LAST CHAPTER.

I've never got to 20 chapters before… awesome.

Anyways, REFERENCES TIME!

1: Daria, awesome show indeed.

2: Tribute to ma GOOOOD friend InvaderMandy on dev art who bought me a DA sub and reads this fic all the time. So I put her in there and gave her some polish to speak, I won't reveal what it says, but it's definitely not a positive job statement…

3: Jack Spicer! He's in the house, workin part time, complain and chillin and MAXIN out the coolage.

4: Umbrella corp, RES EVIL.

5: Vanity Fair, goes out to ma dear ikkle sis Atticus X and her awesome comic idea.

6: Brandon Small, loves his works.

7: Zimadonna and Anakras reference, LOVE THEM! ZAAR FOREVER YO!

8: Eat or Die, I Feel Sick reference as to where Devi and Tenna go to eat for NOODLEY GOODNESS.

Sometimes I wonder if I put in too many tributes and references… but than again, I loves putting in tributes and references, MUST HOMAGE. THE POP CULTURE COMMANDS ME.

So, in all, date chapter done, next chapter prepare for a lovely Father-Daughter moment brought to you by alternative sexual orientations! YAY!

R&R you lovely readers out there, make the review button smile with your clicking!


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